Happy Halloween

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Happy Halloween
By Angel of Death


The smell of cigarette smoke caressed my nose, making me sigh. This was the heaven that I've been waiting all day to experience. Freedom. No annoying customers or lights to make my head pound. It was just me and the burning tar falling to the ground. The wind combed through the trees, sounding like a woman's screams. Closing my eyes, I took in the soft dance of the rain across the pavement. The heavy footsteps of children high on candy. The steady beating of my heart as I sat there, staring at the back of my eyelids.
"Trick or Treat!" a small, shrill voice said. In front of me stood a little girl with porcelain skin and brown pigtails. She was wearing a pumpkin suit and a guy standing behind her was holding his pail out to me. His eyes were wide and purple underneath. I felt sorry for the bloke. I'd rather be home drinking a cold one, instead of chauffeuring a child on All Hallows Eve. I never celebrated the holiday. Usually, I'd be shut up in my house with the lights turned off. But today was different. My body ached for fresh air, so I gave it what it yearned. Now, I have to tell every little candy corn infested tot that I don't have anything to give them. They all look at me weirdly, and the parents cry silently because they know they won't hear the end of it.
"Come on, mister." she said, pouting. Her cheeks were blooming roses in the cold air. The way her eyes lit up reminded me of Melinda. Every time she talked about something, she'd get so enthusiastic. Her whole face would shine as bright as a Jack 'o' lantern. Smiling, I blew out some smoke and looked at the kid.
"Sorry, I don't have any candy for you dear." I said, softly.
"No candy? But it's Halloween." she whined, her teeth, which weren't even all in, showing. Little kids need carrots and peas, not chocolates and candy corn. Candy corn. Melinda liked candy corn. It was her favorite treat in the whole world. She liked all the flavors they had, especially the caramel apple.
"Come on Sally." the guy murmured. He showed little interest in this whole institution. Running a hand through his black hair he took the child's hand and tugged her along. She whined all the way down the street.

*

I tossed and turned in my sleep. Sweat trickled down my face, covering my neck and staining my shirt. Glasses lined my nightstand. All contained water which I had to continuously chug because it was so hot. My heart was beating erratically and the pain of the headache I had at work, returned. Sitting up, I felt around for the lamp and pulled the string. Nothing happened. No yellow light illuminated the room and the usual red glare of the clock remained black. There was a low bump and then a high pitched laugh rang through the house. I stood up, my feet automatically carrying me over to the dresser where I kept the flashlights. Grabbing one, I walked out of my room and looked down the steps. The door was ajar. Cold air rain up the steps, making goosebumps rise on my skin.
"Who's there?" I asked, firmly. There was no answer. If there was no electricity then there was no way I could call the police. My heart trying harder and harder to force itself out of my chest, I made my way to the first floor. The steps creaked. Now my intruders knew that I was aware of their presence.
"Who's there?" I repeated, hoping for an answer. Again, nothing. I was at the bottom of the stairs now, my feet were sinking into the plush tan carpet.
"Peter!" a voice said. It was low and raspy and it sounded as if it had just rose from the dead. I was an avid smoker but my voice never sounded that ghastly. Turning around, I stared into the darkness searching for any sign of movement. The door was right in front of me, all I had to do was leave but...I couldn't. I was transfixed by something that hid from my eyes in the shadows. Its eyes were a bright green and they glowed with a fiery intensity.
"Peter, I'm home." it said, coming closer to me. Soon I could feel a hot breath on my neck. It sent razor sharp chills down my spine, making me run for the door. But it was too late. The door slammed shut.
"You can't run from me Peter."
"Who are you?" I asked.
Suddenly a bright pale light surged through the house. Eyes were staring down at me. Eyes that were dead and emotionless. A burning sensation paralyzed my body, making me scream. It felt like flames were ripping through my veins. Where was my house? I was no longer standing there looking off into the dark shadows, now I was in room with strange medical instruments. People with masks on their faces circled around, looking at me.
"I am your creator, Peter." a voice said.
"My who?"
"Please, Frankenstein don't worry. You're safe."
Confused, I started to sit up but it was if chains were holding me down. Blood-curdling yells were pouring out of my lips. The team of doctor like people left me. The one who said he was my creator, stared at me and said:
"Happy Halloween" and then there was darkness.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Angel of Death wrote:Happy Halloween
By Angel of Death


The smell of cigarette smoke caressed my nose, making me sigh. This was the heaven that I've been waiting all day to experience. Freedom. No annoying customers or lights to make my head pound. It was just me and the burning tar falling to the ground. The wind combed through the trees, sounding like a woman's screams. Closing my eyes, I took in the soft dance of the rain across the pavement. The heavy footsteps of children high on candy. The steady beating of my heart as I sat there, staring at the back of my eyelids.
"Trick or Treat!" a small, shrill voice said. In front of me stood a little girl with porcelain skin and brown pigtails. She was wearing a pumpkin suit and a guy standing behind her was holding his pail out to me. His eyes were wide and purple underneath. I felt sorry for the bloke. I'd rather be home drinking a cold one, instead of chauffeuring a child on All Hallows Eve. I never celebrated the holiday. Usually, I'd be shut up in my house with the lights turned off. But today was different. My body ached for fresh air, so I gave it what it yearned. Now, I have to tell every little candy corn infested tot that I don't have anything to give them. They all look at me weirdly, and the parents cry silently because they know they won't hear the end of it.
"Come on, mister." comma instead of a period after "mister" she said, pouting. Her cheeks were blooming roses in the cold air. The way her eyes lit up reminded me of Melinda. Every time she talked about something, she'd get so enthusiastic. Her whole face would shine as bright as a Jack 'o' lantern. Smiling, I blew out some smoke and looked at the kid.
"Sorry, I don't have any candy for you dear." comma instead of a period after "dea" I said, softly.
"No candy? But it's Halloween." comma instead of a period after "Halloween she whined, her teeth, which weren't even all in, showing. Little kids need carrots and peas, not chocolates and candy corn. Candy corn. Melinda liked candy corn. It was her favorite treat in the whole world. She liked all the flavors they had, especially the caramel apple.
"Come on comma Sally." comma instead of a period after "Sally" the guy murmured. He showed little interest in this whole institution I'm not sure "insitiution" is the rigt word for this kind of context. Maybe "tradition" or "charade". Running a hand through his black hair he took the child's hand and tugged her along. She whined all the way down the street.

*

I tossed and turned in my sleep. Sweat trickled down my face, covering my neck and staining my shirt. Glasses lined my nightstand. All contained water which I had to continuously chug because it was so hot. My heart was beating erratically and the pain of the headache I had at work, returned. Sitting up, I felt around for the lamp and pulled the string. Nothing happened. No yellow light illuminated the room and the usual red glare of the clock remained black. There was a low bump and then a high pitched laugh rang through the house. I stood up, my feet automatically carrying me over to the dresser where I kept the flashlights. Grabbing one, I walked out of my room and looked down the steps. The door was ajar. Cold air rain up the steps, making goosebumps rise on my skin. What is the character feeling when he hears the laugh? Describe that more
"Who's there?" I asked, firmly. There was no answer. If there was no electricity then there was no way I could call the police. My heart trying harder and harder to force itself out of my chest This part of the sentence is really awkward. Try to reword, I made my way to the first floor. The steps creaked. Now my intruders knew that I was aware of their presence.
"Who's there?" I repeated, hoping for an answer. Again, nothing. I was at the bottom of the stairs now, my feet were sinking into the plush tan carpet.
"Peter!" a voice said. It was low and raspy and it sounded as if it had just rose from the dead. I was an avid smoker but my voice never sounded that ghastly. Turning around, I stared into the darkness searching for any sign of movement. The door was right in front of me, all I had to do was leave but...I couldn't. I was transfixed by something that hid from my eyes in the shadows. Its eyes were a bright green and they glowed with a fiery intensity.
"Peter, I'm home." comma instead of a period after "home" it said, coming closer to me. Soon I could feel a hot breath on my neck. It sent razor sharp chills down my spine, making me run for the door. But it was too late. The door slammed shut.
"You can't run from me comma Peter."
"Who are you?" I asked.
Suddenly a bright pale light surged through the house. Eyes were staring down at me. Eyes that were dead and emotionless. A burning sensation paralyzed my body, making me scream. It felt like flames were ripping through my veins. Where was my house? I was no longer standing there looking off into the dark shadows, now I was in room with strange medical instruments. People with masks on their faces circled around, looking at me.
"I am your creator, Peter." comma instead of a period after "Peter" a voice said.
"My who?"
"Please, Frankenstein comma don't worry. You're safe."
Confused, I started to sit up but it was if chains were holding me down. Blood-curdling yells were pouring out of my lips. The team of doctor like people left me. The one who said he was my creator, stared at me and said:
"Happy Halloween" and then there was darkness.


This was good, as usual, Angel! :D

I enjoyed the sort of calm feel in the beginning and then the rise of panic. However, I feel like you cold describe the ending scene better. Right now, I feel like everything after he wakes up from bed feels like it goes too fast. How did he leave his house? Is this all just a dream? Stuff like that.

Otherwise, I think I am becoming an avid fan of yours! :P

Keep on Writing!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Reviews 695
Thanks for the critique Ash. I will fix everything that you pointed out. Whew I was hoping it wasn't going to be really bad because I wrote in one hour for a contest which thankfully has a new deadline. So this will be rewritten with your corrections and such in mind.

~Angel :D
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.



Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman