Clo's Contest.
A Softer World
No. 3.
January 21st 1999
They’re dead. All of them. Gone. Just plain gone. It should hurt to think about it. But it doesn’t hurt. I just feel so empty, so confused. They were here for what seems like moments ago and now they aren’t. There shall be no more of them. It’s hard to believe that Jenny, so lively and active could just not exist anymore.
Maybe it’s all a horrible dream, a senseless dream. Maybe I’m imagining. But why can’t I wake up?
......
December 21st 1998
Dear Aunt Margaret,
Mom says I should write you a letter. She says you like letters. Well here I am. I’m writing you a letter with the new pen I got from Lisa’s mother. It’s pink as you can see. I really like pink. Mom say’s pink used to be her favourite colour. She says yours is blue. I would have written with a blue pen. But don’t you think blue ink is too common? Anyways, I think you should come over for the winter holidays. I would really like it, especially Mom. It’s been six years since I last saw you and I don’t really remember you, though from the picture I know what you look like. I really want to meet you. Benny says I must help him tie his shoelaces. I know how to tie laces very well. If you come over this New Years then I’ll tie your shoelaces. Benny is pulling at my arm. Lisa says her mother thinks my parents have spoiled Benny. Well I must go and help him now.
From your niece,
Jennifer Summers.
December 21st 1998
Dear Meg
How are things in London? I hope you have been keeping well. I tried to phone you yesterday to wish you, but the call wouldn’t go through. I would like to invite you to spend your holidays with us. I know it’s a very short notice, but I heard from Molly Waters that you have a plan to spend your holidays in Seattle. Well, Vancouver is only a couple hours drive from there. The kids and I would really like it if you could spend the holidays with us.
Meggy, I know there have been a few harsh words between us in the past, but lets forget it all and be friends. Please Meggy. I would like nothing better than to spend the holidays with my dear sister. I have missed you a lot Meggy. I really have. More so, after Dad’s death. Jen asks after you, but I tell her, that you are busy with things in London. Maybe you are. But please, try your best to come stay with us. You and Benny haven’t met. It would be nice for Benny to meet his only Aunt. Benny is five years old.
Now that I think of it, our quarrel had been over such a silly thing that I couldn’t even clearly remember what it was. You and I were always very different; quite the opposites, Mom used to say. Remember? You busy scrambling trees, and scaring the daylights out of old Leah Lanters, the widow next door --she finally passed away by the way. I used to be busy tending to my dolls and trying to save their hair and limbs from you.
Meggy, I miss those days. Sometimes I wish we were kids again. Always arguing but always making up.
I apologize for what ever went wrong. Please forgive me. I want us to be friends now and to keep the past in the past.
Please think on it seriously; we would all be delighted to spend the beginning of the New Year with you.
Your sister,
Lilly Summers
December 23rd 1998
My flight for Seattle is in the evening. I’m all packed and ready, excited too. It’s been a while since I’ve taken a vacation. But this trip to Seattle isn’t really a vacation. No, not really. Mr. James would like me to write an article on an American Christmas. He thought I was right for the job, seeing as I was brought up close to America. It’ll be exciting to visit Seattle. I remember as a child, we spent a lot of our long weekends in Seattle. Seattle will sure bring back memories from the old days.
Speaking of the old days, I got a letter from Lilly today. She wants me to spend the holidays at her place. This is the first time in six years she has tried to contact me. Isn’t it too late? Is she just calling me so that she can introduce me to her children, just for their satisfaction? She probably just wants Jennifer and her new boy, Benny to think everything is right between her and their only Aunt.
Well, too late Lilly! Too late. You should have realized it a long while ago. She hints in her letter that she can’t even remember what the quarrel was about. As if it were both our faults.
I’m not playing the blame game here. We’re not kids. There is no ‘she started it’. But it is her fault. Maybe if she apologized by saying that it really was her in the wrong…
And it wasn’t really a quarrel. And definitely was not over something silly. She bullied me. Called me “an old wretched spinster who can’t find anyone to care for her. That’s what you are Margaret. You are bitter and you know it! Who would like you anyway? You’re nothing Margaret. Nothing! Nobody wants you. You’re fat and alone and will be for the rest of your life.”
I remember the exact words, though I can’t recall why she had said that to me. And now she’s asking for forgiveness in the haughtiest and most ignorant way.
I quote:
I apologize for what ever went wrong.
What ever? What ever!? As if she doesn’t know. As if it’s no big deal. She could have at least pretended to be sorrier.
However I would like to see Benny. She never sent a picture. I never knew I had another nephew until now. I won’t exactly SPEND the holidays with them, but I’ll drop by.
And even if I did stay with them, I’d feel awkward. I feel more comfortable on my own.
Well I’ll see when I get there.
December 27th, 1998
Mr. James’ given assignment has gone well. I emailed the article to him this morning. For the past few days I had been staying at the Holiday Inn in Seattle but have now moved across the border and am now staying at the Sandman Hotel near Vancouver Airport. I just felt like spending the rest of my time in the city I grew up in as a child. I haven’t really met any old acquaintances except for Molly. She was quite ecstatic to see me and urged me to stay with her. I told her I don’t want to be a bother, especially around this time of year. I’m sure I did the right thing. We both should be more comfortable if I stayed at this hotel. I also visited Lilly.
I think our meeting went tolerably well, though Lilly seemed over cheerful and nervous. I was nervous too when I rang the bell, standing on that door step, and remembering the last time I stomped off it, leaving in fury and thinking to myself that I would never return.
However, I had and there I was ringing that doorbell. Am I too soft? Should I really have forgiven her? Well no, I can’t say I’ve forgiven her as I keep recalling it. I guess I’m trying to. There is a battle going inside me; to forgive or not to forgive that is the question. I half want to but I can’t bring myself to. And the other half of me is disgusted that I should even try to forgive her. No, I shall prove Lilly wrong; I am not bitter.
Anyways, it was Jen who opened the door. I recognized her right away. She did not look much different, other than the fact that she had longer hair, grown taller, and held herself up in way a that made me realize she was no longer a small child, she wanted to be taken seriously. Jen looks a lot like me unfortunately. We share the same eyes, the same light hair, but thank God, her figure is taken after her mother. She is not stout and clumsy like me.
Well, I could fill pages about Jen. I really do adore her. She recognized me too, right away without the slightest surprise. It looked as if she had been waiting for me at the door all along. I admit I felt awkward at first. I wasn’t sure what to say.
“Aunt Meg!” Then she leaped at me and hugged me. I patted her back and said, rather stiffly I fear, “ How do you do Jen?”
She looked up at me smiling, “ I knew you’d come!”
I guess she suddenly became self-conscious because she let go of me and stepped back.
“I’ll go tell Mom you’re here! You can take off your coat and hang it over there.” Then she hurried off screaming on the top of her voice. “Mom! Come see whose here!”
Then I felt really nervous. What would I say to Lilly? How was I to act? Friendly? Sisterly? Cool and distant? Had I forgiven her?
I could did not see Lilly enter the hallway as I had turned to hang my coat on the rack Jen had pointed out.
“Meggy! You came!” I turned around and forced a small smile on my face.
Lilly had grown plump, but a pleasant plump. She was smiling her wide toothy smile; fake but great at hiding her nervousness. It was rather satisfying to see that she was nervous too. We did not hug but Lilly advanced a hand towards me and I shook it, my grasp firm and warm. I couldn’t help but notice relief in Lilly’s eyes.
“It’s so good to see you Meggy Come on in and I’ll introduce you to everyone.”
I followed her in. The house had changed a lot since last time. It was messier and crowded with odds and ends, yet I felt it had a more comfortable and cheerful atmosphere then when last I had seen it, when it had been spotlessly clean with everything sparkling.
Well, she introduced Ben to me, who had been whining for some ice cream at that particular moment. I hate whiny kids. I don’t really like kids in general. Jen is the only one I feel comfortable with.
We then sat down in the living room and talked. Rather it was Lilly who talked and I who listened politely.
She talked rather rapidly with an anxious tone, though she tried to act light hearted and easy. Lilly hasn’t changed much. She went on about how happy she is about Benny having joined kindergarten. How Jenny is so smart. How are new job is so perfect. She kept going on about how everything has being so well for her, almost as if she was trying to convince herself along with me. She then served me tea and some cake. While she was gone to get the snack, I had a good chat with Jen. Though Jenny is like her mother and talked only to be heard. But I did not find her talk vain, so I enjoyed listening to her, even though she mostly talked about Lisa.
Lilly returned and I took my cup of tea, a small slice of cake and at first said no thank you to the cookies, but then helped myself when Jenny jumped in and said she had baked them herself, then added on a lighter tone: “Mummy helped a little”.
Jennifer watched me anxiously as I chewed on one and beamed when I declared them delicious.
Lilly then resumed our one-sided conversation.
After forty minutes or so I got up to say I must leave. She looked a little taken back. “You’re not going to stay?”
“No.” I said simply, not bothering to give a reason.
She looked crestfallen. “At least for dinner?”
“No I must go. Please pass along my regards to your husband. Where is Jonathan by the way?”
Jenny looked up suddenly and Lilly froze for minutest of a second then smiled her fake smile.
“Oh, you mean my ex-husband.”
I probably looked confused because she explained; “We had a divorce about a year ago.”
She said nothing more and there was an awkward silence.
Jonathan and I had been very good friends many years back. He had been my best friend and I his. Our friendship lasted only till university. I’ll write here confidently that it was only friendship, nothing else.
And then, I’m not quite sure how, but Jonathan fell for Lilly and they married. Almost immediately our companionship ended. I don’t know how. It just sort of vanished. Whenever Johnny and I met after their marriage, he seemed indifferent about our previous friendship and was very reserved. I suspect Lilly was the cause of this. Gradually there was nothing left of the old comradeship and we acted like formal acquaintances.
I always thought Lilly and John were not a good much. Well I was right. They’re divorced now. I wonder where Johnny is. If we can get in touch again… Maybe he’ll be different without a jealous Lilly. I really do wonder.
I said a final goodbye and walked out the door. I had got into my car when Lilly called out
“Meggy wait!”
But I pretended not to hear and drove off. I’m glad the visit is over. I never feel very comfortable around Lilly.
January 17th 1999
I am going home tomorrow. Molly said she would like to drop me off at the Seattle airport. It should be a nice long drive.
I have not visited Lilly again after that day. I have not told her I am leaving. But I think Molly mentioned it to her.
I should probably get everything together one last time for tomorrow. But I don’t feel like getting up. I want to go out for a long walk to clear my head. It’s all foggy and unclear. I don’t think I’m really ready to go home yet. It’s as if there’s one last thing that needs to be done before I leave.
January 22nd
Molly told me through the letter. It was a fire. I haven’t finished the letter. I really don’t want to. I just feel so gloomy. There have been not tears so far. Just dread. I still can’t bring myself to believe it. I don’t have the heart to write. I can’t bring myself to hold this pencil any longer. But I feel I must. I must write.
Oh I am so ashamed and I deserve it!
I really can’t write.
LATER
How can it be possible!?! A fire. Of all things; a fire! Images of Jenny trapped in the flamed house haunt me. I have dreadful nightmares. They’re screaming, and Lilly is calling out to me. “Meggy wait!”
January 23rd 1999
There’s this wretchedness that fills me, cutting at my heart. My soul is withering in anguish. I just wish this awful hopelessness would pass. I feel like wrenching out my hair and screaming till I die.
Their funeral is to be tomorrow. I want to attend it.
I had the most horrifying nightmare last night. I was getting in my car after saying bye to Lilly. The house was on fire and the children were screaming. Lilly was on fire. But my back was to them. I was in my car. Lilly screamed for me? “Meggy wait!” But I ignored her. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t see the house on fire. I would have if I had just turned around. If I hadn’t ignored Lilly. But I drove away.
What is the point of me living when all those I love dearest are dead. It’s unfair that I am left behind. Jenny never got to tie my shoelaces.
I just want to cry. I want to let the tears out. Tears would be better that this dreadful melancholy. I want the tears to flow. I want the tears to be an outlet to my pain. The pain
is choking me. I’ll suffocate.
January 24th 1999
The paper is wet. See? These are tears. I am crying. Every time it hurts, every time my heart hurts, I cry. These tears flowing down my face soothe my heart, my guilt, and me.
February 17th 1999
Death is universal, permanent and irreversible. And I’ve accepted it. My emotions are under control. I went back to work three days ago. It was difficult at first. Images of Lilly and the kids would come to mind and my eyes would moisten and I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. But I’ve accepted the facts. They are dead. Gone! Not here!
But I am. The intense sorrow I was going through is not so intense now. I’m still unhappy but not mourning. It might sound cruel to mention the well-known idiom, “no use crying over spilled milk.” But to some extent it is true. Will my hating myself, my crying till I vomit, make them come alive? Will it affect anything other than my health?
It might sound cold hearted but it’s the truth. What’s the use in lamenting over something that’s not going to change?
It’s not a dream. They are dead. But I am not. I must live on.
My emotions were overwhelming me and keeping me depressed. I was numb, as if sleepwalking. But now I feel I am a live, walking breathing person. And it is my duty to take care of myself. It will hurt no one but me if I refuse to smile again.
There I smiled. See I can smile. I feel free. I guess the crying helped because I feel as if a huge burden is gone. Accepting death and finding that I can smile again is a huge relief. There is a quietness and freshness in my soul. Like a meadow after rain. Fresh, calm and anew.
If I spread my arms and look toward the clouds, I’m almost certain I’ll be able to fly.
