Jaime

This seems like a bad story but it turns out good in the end.
I don't know if it is good or not though like writing-wise. So i'd appriciate any comments or advice.

"Hello, Jaime."
A cold shadowy voice whispered
"I know you want to be free. And i know how you can be. Do it, Jaime. Kill yourself." It taunted her.
"Stop it!" Jaime shouted back at the empty room.
She spun around trying to shake the voice that was coming from her own mind.
She was in the bacement which had been turned into her bedroom, she kept it cold and dark down there because she had come to like the sick way that the darkness would wrap itself around her heart. And the icy tempatures felt just like the inside of her soul, nipping at her frail body, it strangely, comforted her.
Two years ago, Jaime's younger sister had died.
Rachel and Jaime had been very close. Jaime hadn't been able to cope with the tragedy. And her parents; thinking it was best for her, decided to move.
Jaime never made any new friends there, She kept to herself and was quiet. Her pain kept her locked up inside, So she isolated, Jaime wanted to die, but for some reason, she held out, hoping that one day, someone; somehow, would save her, But no one ever had.
She'd tryed everything to numb the pain that she felt, trying to buy more time, But it was becoming too much and she was close to breaking.
The voice started again, But this time more voices joined in the symphony of lies that they played apoun her heartstrings.
Their sounds grew, washing over her, consuming her, untill she was entirely saturated in them.
"Please." She whimpered, falling to her knees at the pain she felt striking hard inside her chest, from their lies that she knew by heart.
"Please, go away! Leave me alone!"
But they showed no mercy
Jaime stood up and tried to run, but couldn't move. She felt the blunt end of a knife pressed into the palm of her hand.
"Jaime, You will be free. But only once you are dead." The cruel voice taunted again.
"Besides, It's not like anyone's going to miss you when your gone. Your alone, Jaime. No one cares for you. Come now, it will be better this way. Surely you should know Jaime...that I want whats best for you. And life...life is not what's best for you Jaime. You of all people should know what ugliness; what broken filth you hold inside. Look at your heart! It's discusting! It's marred and torn and battered. You are completly broken. Your fooling yourself Jaime, if you think that you could ever find someone in this world that could love that!" The voice was cold and dripping with malice and with these last words they struck a final blow of hopelessness, that hit hard on Jaimes heart.
Jaime couldn't fight any longer, she put the knife to her wrists and slit them hard.
Blood came pouring out and a light came pouring into her room as the door burst open.
She heard a man's voice yell out her name, passionately.
"Jaime!"
She turned to see a handsome young stranger moving towards her. The voices that haunted her, were suddenly shattered by his prescence.
As Jaime fell back, weak from the loss of blood, He caught her and gazed, lovingly into her eyes, whispereing, "What have they done to you?" He kissed her forehead gently and kept his face close to hers. She could feel his warm breath fall softly on her face and it warmed her cold heart.
She closed her eyes and listened to him whisper her name. "Jaime. I love you."
The Stranger then took her wrists in his strong hands and kissed them gently.
Jaime watched as the blood stopped and the skin came back together and her wounds were healed.
"Who are you?" she asked in wonder, trembling.
"I have come to save my pricncess, Jaime. My name is Jesus."

Hey, my-mystique-eyes!

This kind of reminds me of the story of Jesus in the desert--which is kind of ironic, given the ending, but it fits. It's a cool storyline. Religion gives you a lot of fun stuff to work with (like using the Devil as a character? excellence).

Two things:

- Vary your language. At this point, you're relying on phrases that are used a lot in generic writing: "cold shadowy voice", "wasn't able to cope". A rule of thumb: if you have seen it before, avoid using it. Part of the fun of being a writer is playing with language. It takes some playing around to figure out what sounds right, but trying is what counts. Relying on stock phrases makes your writing boring, which isn't good when you're not dealing with boring material.

- Watch how you sequence things. Here, you go from the beginning, and then jump to Jaime's past, and then back to the present. If you can figure out how to keep the story entirely in the present, and work details from her past in, that would be best. If not, working with transitions is key.

She was in the bacement which had been turned into her bedroom, she kept it cold and dark down there because she had come to like the sick way that the darkness would wrap itself around her heart. And the icy tempatures felt just like the inside of her soul, nipping at her frail body, it strangely, comforted her.

Two years ago, Jaime's younger sister had died.

You switch from talking about the whisperer (which is very creepy), and then shift entirely into something else. It's kind of all over the place. When you have an overlying conflict, you want to keep that going throughout any flashbacks. How can you keep the reader engaged into what's going on in the present as you work through the past?

__

I lie, a note: the ending could be considered heresy, since it's very Nestorian. If you want to use the character of Jesus and not cause a hullabaloo, avoid using him in romance.

Plus, he was kind of a hippie, and a lot edgier than people give him credit for. ^_~

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Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions. And be proud, it's my last red star.

I usually don't like things related to religion but this was pretty cool. The plot was interesting and you kept me reading without getting bored so that's a good sign!

Only a couple of things were weird:

You used a lot of cliches and, although they're easy to describe what you mean, try not to use them. Use your creativity and think of a cool description, you can away with a lot more and it makes the piece more interesting.

Try to work on your flow. You went from describing the voice to describing death of the sister and then to the basement... it was a little choppy.

There was just one sentence that I found that was a little messed up:

Her pain kept her locked up inside, So she isolated, Jaime wanted to die, but for some reason, she held out, hoping that one day, someone; somehow, would save her, But no one ever had.

This sentence is way too long. It's very awkward and needs some type of punctuation besides commas and semicolons. Maybe you can write:

"Her pain kept her locked up inside, so she isolated. Jaime wanted to die, but for some reason, she held out. Holding on to that small fragment of hope, that one day, someone, somehow would save her. But no one ever had."

Okay so I added a little more but do you get what I mean?

I hope I was helpful! PM me if I didn't make sense anywhere.

I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

~Dommy

Very interesting. First of all, I wouldn't preface your writing with "this seems like a bad story". It doesn't set it of to a good tone, now does it? Plus it gets really annoying.

To the actual writing, I find this kind of hard to comment on. I like the idea, but I believe that the real body of the story needs a little polish. I really like the imagery, so I'd add a little of that everywhere. But definitely, when it comes to the voice and the scenes in the basement, try to evoke a little poetry. With short stories like this, every word has to mean something, and the words really have to 'sing'. This story just seems plain.

In my opinion, when Jaime cuts herself, it kind of turned me off. Because of how often cutting yourself is referenced in culture, it's really lost its meaning, plus it paints a bad image as you as the writer. What about holding the knife up to her heart? That would be both more meaningful and more fitting.

I disagree with any comments about changing the last scene, as it's obviously your interpretation. Sometimes you should do what you want to instead of what would be better for the story, because what you write is more meaningful than anyones suggestions (especially mine).

If this seems like Jargon to you, just PM me.