Judgement Day: Prologue

Prologue

The tally man of hell pressed a button on his chair. The button was green and big. It was like one of those buttons you shouldn´t press, but you did anyway. It was in hell, you could do what you want.
A small purple demon walked into the room. He looked so thin that if you blew at him he might just fall apart. This was actually true, so no one did it (usually).
"You called?" said the purple demon named James.
"Give me the info of all jumps out of hell, for the past year." ordered the tally man, who´s name was Lord Pain.
"Well there has only been about 5 demons or imps missing in that time period, sir, but you should have been notified of those earlier." said James
"Yes, I have been notified of those events. What about the sword?" Pain asked.
"It is safe. None of the overlords men have found it or anyone else." James convinced him.
"Excellent." Pain moved into a more comfortable position.
Suddenly the loudspeaker spoke:
"Suspect running towards hells gates. Seems to be a demon. Guards engaging."
Lord Pain shot a glance at James.
"The gates are closed. He can´t get through." James said, cold sweat forming on his forehead.
"The suspect disposed the guards, heading towards gate." said the loudspeaker, with one of those cant-wait-until-I-can-get-home-and-watch-TV voices.
"The gates are closed." said James, now slightly shaking.
"Suspect has some kind of weapon. Seems to a sword." the loudspeaker said, now slightly interested.
James was trembling now. Pain was shaking with anger.
"Suspect reached gate. Now using the sword on gate."
There was silence. You could have heard a pin drop. But you couldn´t, because hell didn´t approve of pins, don´t ask why.
"Suspect opening gates and exiting hell. He seems to be making some kind of a hand gesture." the loudspeaker said:" His middlefinge..."
At that moment the loudspeaker and James exploded into icky green paste. It wasn´t pretty. It wasn´t supposed to be, I guess.
Lord Pain was furious. A demon had escaped. And with the sword! He was going to get into a lot of trouble. He had known the demon who had escaped. Even so he would have never guessed that his friend and ally would steal his most valued possession and run away with it.
"Never trust a demon." he muttered under his breath.
He went onto the internet, with one of those really small hand held computers. Black and red of course. He gave a bounty on the demons head. It was a lot of money. Hell, I kill him for that much. Assassins from all around hell would be dying (well, killin) to get their hands on him. He would not escape (evil laughter). At that moment the hunt for Thoke Harrison had begun.

Well written.

The tally man of hell pressed a button on his chair. The button was green and big. It was like one of those buttons you shouldn´t press, but you did anyways

Give me the info of all jumps out of hell, for the past year." ordered the tally man, whose name was Lord Pain.

"Well there has only been about five demons or imps missing in that time period, sir, but you should have been notified of those earlier." said James

use letters instead of numbers. you don't need number before it goes over twenty.

I would have liked a bit more description. Like: what was the chair like, what was the loudspeaker like and all such other things.

Your style of writing is fine, though there really isn't anything special about it. More description is fine though.

All that really turned me of was how generic it was.

Demons and Imps
Lord Pain
Thoke Harrison
A very important sword

Stories with demons can be interesting, but so far, this story isn't.
It just seems very cooker-cutter generic.
Not really my favorite kind of story.

Heloo.....REWIEW here I come!

Suspect running towards hells gates.

Hell's

said the loudspeaker, with one of those cant-wait-until-I-can-get-home-and-watch-TV voices

You could have heard a pin drop. But you couldn´t, because hell didn´t approve of pins, don´t ask why.

(Love this part.... )

He gave a bounty on the demons head.

Say how he did it. You and Lord Anzius write in the same style......You both are good comedians...

Oh you noticed.

We change a lot of ideas.


Now funny it is, descriptive it is not.

EDIT IT!!

Better Now?

Hi there! First things first – we have a rule here on YWS that you need to do at least 2 critiques for every one piece of work you post. Keep in mind that reviews only count if they are 250+ characters [about 40-50 words] in length. This is in place to ensure that everyone gets a quality critique. ^^

Secondly, your title – Judgment does not have two E’s in it.

The tally man of hell pressed a button on his chair. The button was green and big. It was like one of those buttons you shouldn´t press, but you did anyway. It was in hell, you could do what you want.

Okay, some issues with this paragraph. First of all, what’s a tally man? Secondly, “The button was green and big” can be combined with the first sentence for more effect, such as “pressed a big green button on his chair.” Thirdly, this is really personal preference, but it is extremely annoying when writers use second person to describe something. Make the character do it. Don’t make the reader do a thing.

A small purple demon walked into the room. He looked so thin that if you blew at him he might just fall apart. This was actually true, so no one did it (usually).

Again, stay away from the second person. It’s too much of a cop out. Also, the “usually” bit is useless and you’d likely be better without it. And you could probably get away with describing the demon a bit more – I’m picturing a sort of cartoonish purple gargoyle. I want more description.

"You called?" said the purple demon named James.

This sentence is clunky. You could just say “said the demon, whose name was James” and it’d be a little smoother. Also, James is a slightly underwhelming name for a demon. Doesn’t invoke much fear.

"Give me the info of all jumps out of hell, for the past year." ordered the tally man, who´s name was Lord Pain.

Okay, Lord Pain? Are you serious? That just screams that a child wrote this. That’s true, but you don’t want to come off as a child, because then nobody will take you seriously. Give him a more fearsome, less completely corny name. Also, grammar nitpick – you have speech tags after your dialogue, so the period after year should actually be a comma since the sentence isn’t finished yet. In addition, “who’s” should be whose. And you should really establish the premise of the story before you jump into this particular mechanic of your characters’ world. Don’t just throw your reader into a story before you establish where we are and why we’re here, otherwise they’re not going to be interested. Liken it to sitting in on a business conference for a corporation you don’t work for. It doesn’t really interest you much.

"Well there has only been about 5 demons or imps missing in that time period, sir, but you should have been notified of those earlier." said James

Well, missing a period at the very end, which I’m sure is just a typo. Also, you want to type out numbers under 10 – so it should be five, not 5. And a bit of subject verb agreement – it should there have only been, not there has only been. And again, you need a comma if you have a speech tag after the dialogue.
For example, “I like cookies,” said Bobby.

"It is safe. None of the overlords men have found it or anyone else." James convinced him.

You really do not need speech tags here. It’s really quite boring and does nothing for your story. Also, it should be overlord’s.
And your dialogue insofar is extremely bland. Does this event have any relevance to the story? Will this particular report matter a few chapters or so down the line? This is a prologue. It should forcefully grab my attention and not let go, otherwise I’m not going to read the rest of the story. This entire scene seems pointless, superfluous, and boring.

Suddenly the loudspeaker spoke:

Hello there, random loudspeaker. Too much in the way of deus ex machina. Reading a bit forward, it seems really handy that these two characters are just discussing this thing when it happens. No. Way too much of a cop out on your part. I recommend foregoing this entire dialogue-heavy scene and just starting with a more dramatic take on your escapee demon. That would be better – focus on what’s going on there. There’s more emotion, more action there, rather than here where A and B are just rambling uselessly.
This whole update-on-the-progress-of-the-suspect-every-thirty-seconds thing is bland and annoying. Don’t tell us. Show us. Put us in the moment. It’s more exciting.

There was silence. You could have heard a pin drop. But you couldn´t, because hell didn´t approve of pins, don´t ask why.

This is just silly. That’s all. You’d be better without it, and remember what I said about second person.

At that moment the loudspeaker and James exploded into icky green paste. It wasn´t pretty. It wasn´t supposed to be, I guess.

Okay. No. Big fat no-no. Your story is in third person. You do not come in at any point in time. Do not put yourself in the story. You have no point being there. Do not use “I” in reference to yourself. That is a big fat No.

Lord Pain was furious. A demon had escaped. And with the sword! He was going to get into a lot of trouble. He had known the demon who had escaped. Even so he would have never guessed that his friend and ally would steal his most valued possession and run away with it.

Again, show us, don’t tell us. Be ambiguous. Don’t tell us right away that he knows the escapee, and that the sword is important. That gives away too much and doesn’t interest your reader.

"Never trust a demon." he muttered under his breath.

This would be a really good comment if that spoiler-iffic paragraph wasn’t there, and if you changed the period after “demon” to a comma.

He went onto the internet, with one of those really small hand held computers. Black and red of course. He gave a bounty on the demons head. It was a lot of money. Hell, I kill him for that much. Assassins from all around hell would be dying (well, killin) to get their hands on him. He would not escape (evil laughter). At that moment the hunt for Thoke Harrison had begun.

Again, get your butt out of the story. And my question is, how do you get Internet in hell? Again with the deus ex machina. Please stop that. It’s way too convenient and it just doesn’t fit with the idea of the realm. Hell is supposed to be punishment; Internet is not a punishment.

And the parenthetical comments are pretty useless, especially the second one. It’s also spelled “killing.” I’d get rid of both of them if I were you.

I think you need a complete overhaul. Honestly? Demons in hell escaping with mystical swords and the Big Baddie gets angry. A bit overused, unless you do it right, and right now, you’re not doing it right.

Focus on the action. Maybe the demon is running from the guards and you only see your big bossman after he’s escaped. It’d be a bit more dramatic with a bit more flair, and it would hook your reader more.

PM me if you have any questions.

Teague
x

What is said above is something important. But the second person and "I" gives the story it's own flavor. and it is also Overlords: plural (isn't it?)
Deus es machina, that is sooo true, but the "hell = punishment" is only for human souls, and I don't think that the tally man is a human at all.