The Journey Home

Tick, Tock, Ring

The bell has rung
My head is hung
It's time to go

Will she be there?
Will she not?
I will never know

I sit away
From the crowd, so loud
Yet, I don't make a sound.

I sit by the curve side,
And watch my worlds collide.
Can I not trust a soul?

She's never there
Does she care?
I will never know.

The cars rush by
The other children fly
To each open car door.

Where is she? oh where?
Am I all alone?
All the children have flown.

Oh mother dear!
Oh help me,dear!
I am all alone!

The clock strikes three
Time to flee!
It's always time to go.

She's not there.
She doesn't care.
So, now I know

I lift my head,
And begin to dred
The longest, yes longest
Journey to home.

Tick, Tock, Ring.

I like it.

Good Job!

I really like it!

One critique for you:

The cars rush by

The other children fly

To each open car door.

Maybe say "To each open their car door."? "Open car door" sort of made me pause for a moment because of the bad grammar xD;

Other than that, amazing! At first I was a bit "What's going on" which I'm pretty sure you wanted to happen- and then I figured it out by the end and I definitely felt sorry for the narrator; which is also what you wanted, yes? =3

Keep writing~!

<3 Doc

The cars rush by

The other children fly

To each open car door.

Perhaps you meant to say "To open each car door"?

And it should be "dread", not "dred". Probably just a typo, but I thought you should know.

Also, punctuation is important, and although a poem without any or with improper punctuation can still be good, it does make a difference and you're encouraged to keep it up to snuff. There are a bunch of errors, and a couple of things which I would change just for aesthetic reasons.

That aside, this was pretty good. If I wanted to be nitpicky, I would criticize your inconsistent rhyming, but I won't. Generally I try to keep it consistent unless I'm deviating from the scheme for a reason (as I did in Listen to the Pacific). It was easy to get a feel for the character and sympathize with what she(?) was feeling.

To clarify the "open car door" part

Open is describing door.

They are running to the car doors which are open... sorry, I don't know how else to put it. Thank you though.


Thanks guys.