A Bitter Metamorphosis

A Bitter Metamorphosis
By E.C Branwen

The road stretches onward
Still within Winter’s grasp
So now I have the opportunity
To figure out my past
For things are always different
When you’re innocent and young
And youth’s delicate knitted sweater
Unravels, is undone

Like a seed in a pot I would grow
Shielded from the world’s gray woes
I hatched out a flower, frail and slight
And soon grew towards the lying light

I was a soldier, you could say
On the playground where I used to play
But when times got tough and comrades fell
I became a deserter and left without a farewell

I was an entertainer, an actor too
With pent up energy in too small shoes
But like a weed resentment grew
I started to hate the people I knew
I still do

Faces so familiar
Bring out anger
Who’s a friend?
Who’s now a stranger?

I was a fawn, a sheep in a pen
But when to leave? Well, I did not know when
And when I left it was too late
The flock of sheep had left the gate

And as I walk towards morning dawn
The one thing I remain
Is an innocent fawn

Something for my Creative Writing personal portfolio project.
Subject, Metamorphosis. Who were you in your youth? Who are you now?
All in poem form.

This is a sequel of sorts to my much-loved Winter Road poem.
I don't think it's as good as Winter Road but it's pretty good, I think.
*shrug*

LOSTie wrote:This is a sequel of sorts to my much-loved Winter Road poem.
I don't think it's as good as Winter Road but it's pretty good, I think.

uh, your winter road poem wasn't much loved nor was it good. (if you want me to critique that one as well, let me know, i'll be happy to)

Anyway...

LOSTie wrote:A Bitter Metamorphosis
By E.C Branwen
The road stretches onward
Still within Winter’s grasp

these are boring descriptions. "stretches", "grasp". can't you come up with something that hooks the readers imagination as soon as he lays eyes on the first word? Example: "Roads curl like smoke away from Winter's clammy nails".

So now I have the opportunity
To figure out my past

very informal compared to the second line, as if your talking to someone in a bar. that's unnervinga and disrupts the flow of the poem.

For things are always different
When you’re innocent and young
And youth’s delicate knitted sweater
Unravels, is undone

oh great, moralizing. look, if your supposed to be the narrator, please don't turn to the screen and start preaching before the poem's even done. focus on yourself and show the audience how you feel and change. don't focus on other people when you started off looking inwardly.

Like a seed in a pot I would grow
Shielded from the world’s gray woes
I hatched out a flower, frail and slight
And soon grew towards the lying light

what do you mean you hatched out a flower...? you birthed a flower or were you born as a flower? that doesnt make sense when i compare it to the first two lines which claim that you started off as a seed...flowers represent maturity and seeds represent youth, i dont know what your trying to say here. is it that you grew up but in the wrong direction? bad influences, etc?

I was a soldier, you could say

say what? or did you just throw in a random phrase like "you could say" to rhyme? that's not good.

On the playground where I used to play
But when times got tough and comrades fell
I became a deserter and left without a farewell

you havent indicated anything that refers to youth and childhood as a war. why are you starting now and what else in the poem do you use to back this up?

I was an entertainer, an actor too
With pent up energy in too small shoes
But like a weed resentment grew
I started to hate the people I knew
I still do

too emo and blatant, the message kind of slaps the reader in the face and sends him reeling. be subtle, dont come out and spell everything out for the reader.

Faces so familiar
Bring out anger
Who’s a friend?
Who’s now a stranger?

i see what your saying here, but your presentation is awkward. if acquaintances have now gone past, then make an analogy to the seed again, is my advice.

I was a fawn, a sheep in a pen
But when to leave? Well, I did not know when
And when I left it was too late
The flock of sheep had left the gate

okay, yeah we get it already. this stanza is pretty much a repetition of the main theme which you have consistently expanded on throughout the poem. it really doesn't need to be here, I suggest you cut the whole stanza out.

And as I walk towards morning dawn
The one thing I remain
Is an innocent fawn

wait, what? so you haven't grown at all? i'm confused - generally, something is actually supposed to happen by the end of the poem and now your telling us that you stayed exactly the same and learned nothing. what a letdown.

in general: well, at least this was miles better than your first poem. its still rough, though, and you use way too much obvious symbolism to cheapen the overall value of the central literary devices. go easy on the symbols and make the changes i suggested and this will be a decent piece.

I Loved this poem very moving and meaningful

I loved the part about youth's sweater unravelling-unique and original metaphor.
I really reaaly like you work. You should get publsihed!!!
Fabulous
Sarah
xxx

Pay no attention to that "Galerius" user...

If you ask me one can critique but not be overly harsh, rude and mean...

You really opened your heart to timely lessons that all of us as individuals can relate to. I will say that I enjoyed it very much. Your poem did much for feeding the mind with pictoral images and like symbols; even including the elements of diction and like one user already noted: a one of a kind metaphor...

*Good poems, I believe, should be easily comprehended by the reader. They do not need to have over extravagant meanings that no one can understand, nor do they have to be professional like Poe. And, I think you did a good job of this! So keep it up!

DragonScourge

cogito_ergo_sum wrote:I Loved this poem very moving and meaningful

I loved the part about youth's sweater unravelling-unique and original metaphor.
I really reaaly like you work. You should get publsihed!!!
Fabulous
Sarah
xxx

Wow.
Thanks!! =3

I'm glad that metaphor stuck cause I was concerned about that line.

Thank yew again. <33

DragonScourge wrote:Pay no attention to that "Galerius" user...

If you ask me one can critique but not be overly harsh, rude and mean...

You really opened your heart to timely lessons that all of us as individuals can relate to. I will say that I enjoyed it very much. Your poem did much for feeding the mind with pictoral images and like symbols; even including the elements of diction and like one user already noted: a one of a kind metaphor...

*Good poems, I believe, should be easily comprehended by the reader. They do not need to have over extravagant meanings that no one can understand, nor do they have to be professional like Poe. And, I think you did a good job of this! So keep it up!

DragonScourge

Thanks a-bunch.
Glad you liked it. ^^

I seriously just skipped over his post the second I read "uh, your winter road poem wasn't much loved nor was it good. (if you want me to critique that one as well, let me know, i'll be happy to)".
Okay, maybe "much-loved" was the wrong phrase but I didn't get any bad reveiws for it really.
I just got some really good advice. =]

Anyway, thanks again.
It feels good to know that a poem about my life moved people since I am constantly disappointed about my past but writing poetry is a good way to vent, I guess. ^^

*Claps* This was good. I love reading poetry, this was really really good! Oh, I already said that. Um, put some periods and stuff, that's all I have to say. I wouldn't change the words though. I think when someone writes a poem every word, every frase, every line change is unique and means something to the author, even if it makes no sense to the reader. Keep writing! Don't let a few mean critiques let you down, even though I've been guilty of quitting when someone says my work sucks. But seriously this was good. Excellent!
-Freak

This was a very interesting poem. Not something I usually read, but that’s probably because I usually read poetry from long dead guys.......... so just ignore that part xp Anyways, I think I understood what you were trying to get across, or at least I got how I have decided to understand it. One line, however, to me doesn't fit.

I became a deserter and left without a farewell

To me this has maybe too many syllables, or it is just too squashed up and kind of ruins the poetic atmosphere of your poem. But I must say that my favourite lines were

But like a weed resentment grew
I started to hate the people I knew
I still do

I think it is the imagery or the short line succeeding the long-ish line. Very nice xp Also, I like how your last stanza links back to the first one really cementing the idea of someone on a journey. So well done!!!!!!!!
RavenHeart.

Quite a nice poem.

First, I'd advice you to put in more punctuation marks. Please do that.

The first stanza is very beautiful, the words are very well chosen.

But when to leave? Well, I did not know when

I feel this line needs revising.

For one thing, the word "when" is used twice but it doesn't really sound nice.

May I suggest---

"When to leave? I did not know then"

Anyway, the poem is a nice read.

Please read the rules, LOSTie...you are supposed to have 2 reviews for each work you post. You have no reviews, and it appears this isn't your only work posted here.