Egbert Saintson

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One beautiful night in the peaceful town of Dicerton an old van chugged along on the street. It went past large corn fields and farms. All of a sudden one of the back tires burst and the van careened down a hill. It smashed into a guiderail in front of some trees and a mighty poplar fell just to be caught by an electrical wire. The van and its screaming occupants went the rest of the way down the hill, over a tiny bridge, and off to who knows where.

The next morning another van came down the hill to fix the guiderail and wires. Egbert Saintson lugged himself out of the driver’s seat and lit a cigarette. He was a large fellow with a bald head and scratchy stubble. Egbert latched on his shiny safety vest that all of the workers are supposed to wear and looked around. He saw the tiny forest and lovely river and spat on the ground. He hated nature. The horrible man threw his cigarette into the trees and walked up to the badly dented guiderail.

Egbert started working on detaching the guiderail as a cherry picker started fixing the wires above him. More men came to help him with the guiderail and it finally came off the side of the hill. The workers shoved it away and started picking up the new one that they were going to put in. Egbert lifted his head. He heard a noise coming from the rail-less hill. It was like the groaning and shifting of rock. Suddenly, the hill gave in and tumbled down onto the street . The wave of soil struck Egbert and carried him down the hill along with the cherry picker. The wave started nearing the small bridge over the river. The man in the basket of the cherry picker leaped out of it in an attempt to save his life. He splashed into the water and gulped for air. The bewildered Egbert was now on the bridge and the cherry picker’s shattered arm extended down into the river. As the basket touched the water a surge of electricity coursed through the river. The man still in the water writhed in pain as the electric shock snuck into body. Foam gurgled out of his mouth and he sank beneath the water.

Egbert struggled to get up, but the bridge cracked and leaned down toward the water with Egbert only about five meters away. The guiderail on the bridge kept him from falling. The bridge creaked a little and started moving down. Egbert clapped his sweaty hands together and started praying. The only problem was that he didn’t know who to pray to. The bridge moved a little bit more and Egbert fell. He grabbed the rail on the bridge and he dangled by his one hand. His cigarette packs fell out of his pockets and fell in the water, instantly going up in smoke. Egbert scrunched up his eyes and winced. When he thought that he was about to let go, he heard sirens and shouts fill his ears. Egbert opened his eyes. There was hope. He could still make it. Then he fell.
Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.




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Gender Female
Points 794
Reviews 280
Hey ^^
One beautiful night in the peaceful town of Dicerton an old van chugged along on the street.

For a first line, it didn't really grab my attention. It sounds very fairy tale, and extremely over used.
Rather then telling us the night it beautiful, show us. What made it beautiful? The surroundings? The river? The town? The stars? An interesting cloud formation?

The whole van thing felt like an excuse to get Egbert in the next day. And maybe that's the reason for it- but it shouldn't seem to the reader to be the one and only reason. Make it more significant.


Egbert latched on his shiny safety vest that all of the workers are supposed to wear and looked around.

Most people would know what a safety vest was, and that workers are supposed to wear them. You don't need to over explain yourself here.

He saw the tiny forest and lovely river

Show, don't tell. How was it lovely? and what did the forest look like?

The horrible man threw his cigarette into the trees and walked up to the badly dented guiderail.

Again, how was he horrible? Show us why. Don't tell us.
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 794
Reviews 280
Hey ^^
One beautiful night in the peaceful town of Dicerton an old van chugged along on the street.

For a first line, it didn't really grab my attention. It sounds very fairy tale, and extremely over used.
Rather then telling us the night it beautiful, show us. What made it beautiful? The surroundings? The river? The town? The stars? An interesting cloud formation?

The whole van thing felt like an excuse to get Egbert in the next day. And maybe that's the reason for it- but it shouldn't seem to the reader to be the one and only reason. Make it more significant.


Egbert latched on his shiny safety vest that all of the workers are supposed to wear and looked around.

Most people would know what a safety vest was, and that workers are supposed to wear them. You don't need to over explain yourself here.
He saw the tiny forest and lovely river

Show, don't tell. How was it lovely? and what did the forest look like?

The horrible man threw his cigarette into the trees and walked up to the badly dented guiderail.

Again, how was he horrible? Show us why. Don't tell us.



The wave of soil struck Egbert and carried him down the hill along with the cherry picker.


Wouldn't that be damaging? Broken bones? Soil up your nose? Crushing? It seems a little... fake, for him to come out of it fairly unharmed.



The bridge creaked a little and started moving down. Egbert clapped his sweaty hands together and started praying.


how did he stay on? Wouldn't he have fallen if he didnt hold on at that angle?

Overall, I wasn't sure what the point of this story was. I was waiting for a moral, or an idea, to be revealed, but it never happened. Was it nature taking revenge? What it karma? It just seems like a strange freak accident.
With some tweaking, and making the point clearer, you have a solid starting point here. I suggest it needs some work, especially in description- it is mainly narrating, which gets difficult to concentrate on. You want to spark interest in your reader, and one of the ways to do this is to stimulate their minds, with clever plot twists, or, more commonly, provoking imagery. Build a scene in the reader's head, add sight, sound, let them decide for themselves whether the character is horrible, while using description to influence their opinion.
Try to show the story, not merely tell it.

If you have any questions, be sure to send me a PM, and feel free to alert me when you write more- I'm always happy to give what help I can ^^
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.



Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief