your smile :)

your smile is like the sun,
shines and is bright with fun.
playful with its flames.
I've seen many beautiful boys with smiles that got me to grin,
but yours makes me smile.
sweetly and true.
You remind everything is gonna be okay,
when it seem like things will never be the same.
You remind me I'm still a good person
even though I've made so many mistakes
You remind me i have a little bit of interesting in me,
when i feel like I'm riping at the seams.
You don't tell me anything to remind me.
you just smile.
But why do you make me blush?
Why do you make melt?
Why do you make me smile?
Houston, we have a problem you see?
she standing right next to you staring at me.
Her name is girlfriend and how she hates a girl like me.
I'm just smiling showing I'm fallen for you and your just staring back lovingly at me.
She rolls her eyes and pulls you away.
i lost a piece of hope.
i wanted you to stay.
I know we have just met, and its hard to say...
but your the only one i want, your smile changed my ways.

hmm potential


basic idea not bad, i like the "her name is Girlfriend" part- like Husband from Peter Pan no? you could say that was a comment on innocence and childhood I guess.

All the things you're saying make sense, but theres no poetry in saying

"You remind me I'm still a good person

even though I've made so many mistakes",

its a pretty concept, but your language is very plain. For example here I would try and make it stand out more, maybe something like "you make my good shine through all those dusty mistakes". Just an example or idea about how to make things a little more skilled.

For me, the poem was just OK. I feel the emotions you're trying to convey but your poem was a bit cliched and dull. You could try using some metaphors to make your poem more interesting.

And I noticed that you used the word 'me' a lot of times, especially here:


[she standing right next to you staring at me.

Her name is girlfriend and how she hates a girl like me.

I'm just smiling showing I'm fallen for you and your just staring back lovingly at me.]


Try not to repeat words. It can make the reader bored. You could at least replace it with a synonym, or another word.

Well, I hope this helped. Good luck and keep writing!