Fallen

Little girl you've wandered so far...
Lost the light of your guiding star,
Found the light of another star--
A morning star--
Too bad it's not in the sky
And your heart isn't even as high.

So fair once. So strong.
Oh how you have changed;
How you have fallen.

Now I think that this is really a very good basic idea for a poem, and I love the possiblilities of where it could go, but the main problem that screamed at me while I read it was the rhyming. It took alot out of it, when it could be very good. Also, I encourage you to deepen with these ideas you have written down, it's a good start, but you should expand with each line, describe more, use imagery. Great job though, I'm looking forward to reading a revised version!

~Cat

emmm...i didn't really like it... :S
i think you could wrote it better, or at least develop it's meaning, because the basic idea of the song is really beautiful and meaningful :]

wish a wonderful week

shadowstorm wrote:Little girl you've wandered so far...
Lost the light of your guiding star,
Found the light of another star--
A morning star--

nope, doesnt fit at all with the title (unless you wanted to be sarcastic, which i doubt). "morning" connotates with newborn, or rebirth, or light. not falling and darkness.

Too bad it's not in the sky
And your heart isn't even as high.

high as the sky, pie in the sky, pie that can fly in the sky so high. is this really the best your mind can come up with? i sure hope not. read true poetry and then come back to change this stanza, namely the childish rhyming.

So fair once. So strong.
Oh how you have changed;
How you have fallen.

if your going to drop a bombshell on the audience at the end of a poem, make it a real bomshell and not some gunpowder whisper in the deep. yes, we can already tell that she's fallen. dont repeat it, especially at the ending which is the most important part of the poem. surprise us, give us some new revelation, or cut this stanza out.

this needs...a lot of work. save it and shock me.

Oh my God "save it and shock me" ?!?! Galerius you are so hard to please! i really enjoyed the poem, but i also think it needed some work and i thought it flowed rather nicely, thankyou very much. dont listen to these perfectionists i thought it was fine

Oh my God "save it and shock me" ?!?! Galerius you are so hard to please!

nope, just a connoisseur.

Thank you so much for all your help guys. I'm working on a longer hopefully better version right now that I'll probably post sometime this week.

I like this poem, it's intelligent, sad, and technical all at the same time.

Kudos.

Great work, keep writing!
-KK

This poem was really good, especially the first stanza. However, the way you ended the poem did not suit well for me. It was really abrupt and I felt that the poem was better if it had been longer.
The 1st stanza is already good, I can see no mistakes in it.

Good luck, and keep writing!

I posted my revised version recently, so if you want to check it out it's there.