A Teenager's Question

Hey Everyone,

Here's a poem I just wrote. I hope you all enjoy it. Some will perceive it differently than others but that's perfectly fine.


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A Teenager’s Question

A pulling desire, a longing state,
It’s a yearning heart’s wish
That wisps through the air
Like a child’s whispered prayer
Life seems quite fair, yet incomplete
I want what I can’t see and more
Is it too much, too hard of a request?

Standing alone by the lullaby shore
An intriguing, exquisite story,
Unraveled for the wayward soul
Taken from a familiar scene
A canvas revealed; etched carefully
Were my hopes and dreams
Foretold to a rhythmical beat
Like raindrops on a beam

In a few years, I see myself
Beyond my goals and ambitions
Standing there, successful and true
Honest, daring, and benevolent
I comfort those in times of blue
I heal that which was once broken
Yet is this only a slight glimpse
Of what I can become, but never will?
Who can see beyond what is me?
A complicated, complex question

My past is set in stone; so innocent
It’s told from a child’s angelic eyes, but
It’s over and done; never to be faded
Yet my future is locked and buried away
For what foggy purpose, I cannot say
I’m stuck in mud from neck to toe
Who can see my desire to know?

Who am I? I’m lost and cannot speak
For now, in life, I’m distant and weak
Unraveled and tattered are my thoughts
Standing alone by the lullaby shore
I’ll continue to seek sought out truths
Of who I am and what will be
Until then, I’ll stay right here
Next to this endless and calming sea
On this sandy, unforgettable beach

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cheers!
-thevoiceinside

I have to say that I preferred the last last stanza over all of them! In fact, I would have built a poem around the this beach ... Rather, then have it play "second fiddle."

The poem was good. It wasn't great. I felt that you had some really good points but you couldn't execute them how you wanted. So, the entire piece suffered.

After everyone has critiqued this ... Take all the criticisms and edit the poem. Make it more tangible.

-Adrian

That is a really smart poem. It seam’s to me you write the best poems out of all my friends and other people that I have read their poems. I have noticed that all your poems are really smart and true!

"A Teenager’s Question" Is one of my favorite poems I have ever read.

I know I have to QUOTE on your poem's problems but I can fined any grammar mistakes. I don't know am I write but I think that in poems you don’t really have to use semi colons

lullaby shore

thats brilliant





i think some of the rest seems slightly irrelevant.

To make it more focused, you could continue with this idea of the lullaby shore as childhood, and adolescence as a voyage into the unknown all through the poem, draing it together with the extended metaphor.


nice work.

Who am I? I’m lost and cannot speak

For now, in life, I’m distant and weak

Unraveled and tattered are my thoughts

Standing alone by the lullaby shore

I’ll continue to seek sought out truths

Of who I am and what will be

Until then, I’ll stay right here

Next to this endless and calming sea

On this sandy, unforgettable beach

I loved loved loved this poem so much, but the last stanza made it for me. Every single one of us has felt this way at some point. I love how relatable this poem is and the metaphor of the beach. It works because the beach is so so beautiful and serene, but so lonely at the same time. The teenage years can be such a lonely time.

Hello thevoiceinside and welcome to YWS! I'm Snoink and I'm a moderator, which means if you have any questions or concerns, you can always comes to me and I can try to fix it.

With that said, I read your poem and made a video critique. Which is apparently all that I've been doing lately. XD No, but seriously! If you can't load up the video at all, for whatever reason, PM me and I'll write up a critique for you. But I read this poem and then commented on it, and hopefully it'll be very helpful to you.

You can see the video here: http://revver.com/video/1288236/affilia ... -question/

See you around YWS!

*growls like white tiger*

^ Punctuation! Please punctuate before I punch your face!

Sorry. Just having a bit of fun...But seriously, it is important. I can't tell where one sentence ends and another starts, and this makes it harder to understand your poem.

Brilliant! *rolls the r*

It expressed the feelings of doubt and worry, etc. well, and with nice metaphors. Makes me warm and fuzzy inside!

Despite this, I can't shake off the feeling that too many people are "painting" small pictures with their writing, especially their poems. Perhaps this is because most of the people on here are young, barely out of the 'child' age.

I would just encourage you to broaden your writing, is all.

Nice job.

Who am I? I’m lost and cannot speak

For now, in life, I’m distant and weak

Unraveled and tattered are my thoughts

Standing alone by the lullaby shore

I’ll continue to seek sought out truths

Of who I am and what will be

Until then, I’ll stay right here

Next to this endless and calming sea

On this sandy, unforgettable beach

Brilliant. Just brilliant. This was definitely the best part of the poem, in my opinion. You definitely have a good rhythm going for you, but I must admit, the beginning bored me a little. [ but you must know, I'm a horrible poem reader, and an even worse poem writer, so don't listen to me. ] I did, sincerely like it though. Keep up the good work!

-MQ

I like this one because i think every teen thinks simular thoughts to this at least every once in a while. I know I do. The beach really is a good contast to the question at hand.
Quote' "Of what I can become, but never will?"
Why not? It adds a little mystery to the poem.