The feeling that swirls inside me.

A feeling inside me swirls,
Making me sing this song.
It makes me feel that here I dont belong.

Instead I feel that,
I belong somewhere else.
Where there will be no tensions in my mind,
And the sun will always shine.

Where I will live with glory,
And people will tell my story.

I want to be somewhere,
Where there's no groaning.
And no one is seen mourning.

Oh I want to be in heaven,
Sitting beside god.
Or in some legendary forest,
Slaying dragons with my sword.

This feeling of mine,
Has made me greedy for fame.
And for this,
I feel no shame.

For in my greed I dont see anything wrong,
And that's why I am writing this song.

This poem has potential but needs a lot of work on it.

The very first stanza: (note you missed the apostrophe in don't)

A feeling inside me swirls,
Making me sing this song.
It makes me feel that here I don't belong.

It begins with a swirling feeling which makes you sing a song, a happy, feel-good picture forms and then suddenly the depressing line -- " It makes me feel that here I dont belong. "

To me, you should start differently. A feeling that makes you sing should not be a sad or lonely feeling you know.

Instead I feel that,
I belong somewhere else.
Where there will be no tensions in my mind,
And the sun will always shine.

You are writing a poem, so be careful about the meter.

Cut off the unnecessary words (like Instead here) and make your lines simple, short. The word 'instead' brings in a doubtful mood. Consider "I feel that" --> This makes it a bolder statement.

And "Where there will be" is also long. Simply put "With no tensions in my mind"

Where I will live with glory,
And people will tell my story.

Huh? Why the sudden change in the structure of the poem? Make it even add two more lines to thid stanza please.

Same goes for the next stanza.

The last stanza is Ok though but break the two lines into four to make it even.

Oh I want to be in heaven,
Sitting beside god.
Or in some legendary forest,
Slaying dragons with my sword.

I liked this! Such contrasting desires...peaceful and then BAM! Slaying dragons.

This feeling of mine,
Has made me greedy for fame.
And for this,
I feel no shame.

This too! Quite bold and frank. Good going.

Overall, I really liked the different feeling you expressed of being greedy for fame but not shameful about it. This frankness of your poem is impressive.

And yeah, put the title in Sentence case.


O.O Long review, hope it helps a bit.
~Sohini

Hey, Spike. Sorry it took me so long to get to this.

Hopefully I can be of some help

spike71294 wrote:A feeling inside me swirls,
Making me sing this song.
It makes me feel that here I [s]dont[/s] don't belong.

Instead I feel that,
I belong somewhere else.
Where there will be no tensions in my mind,
And the sun will always shine.

Where I will live with glory,
And people will tell my story.

I want to be somewhere,
Where there's no groaning.
And no one is seen mourning. This last sentence is kind of...off a little. Try to reword maybe a little.

Oh I want to be in heaven,
Sitting beside god.
Or in some legendary forest,
Slaying dragons with my sword.

This feeling of mine,
Has made me greedy for fame.
And for this,
I feel no shame.

For in my greed I [s]dont[/s] don't see anything wrong,
And that's why I am writing this song.

Well, I found nothing really wrong with this.

I liked the bluntness of it, the openess you had with your reader. I liked how this wasn't a poem about being overwhelmed by greed, or shameful of being greedy. You came right out with saying that "Yes, I want to be famous!" lol Which I bet some of us think at least once in our lifetimes.

Overall, very well done!

Hey Spike! First, I would like to thank you for your request.

In the first stanza, you have feelings that are associated with positivity, and then you end with a negative statement. I think to better connect those positive images with the your negative stanza conclusion, you should say, "Yet it makes me feel".

Instead I feel that,
I belong somewhere else.

I have a question of "why?" throughout this poem that you never address. There's no cause for your poem's topic, and I feel you should add some imagery that depicts a cause for your strife.

Also, here:

Instead I feel that,
I belong somewhere else.
Where there will be no tensions in my mind,
And the sun will always shine.

I think this should all be one sentence, since you say "I belong somewhere else" and then start the next sentence with "where there will be". You're still talking about this place, so I think it would be more correct topically...

There's also really no overall structure here. You go from three lines, to four, to two to three, to four. When writing a poem, try to create a concept of overall structure in your head, since it does seem your poem is trying to reach for a structure, considering your word format and rhyme. I definitely did not get a feeling of free verse, so try to work on structure.

Like, I would consider this:

Three lines, rhyme.
Four lines, rhyme.
Two lines, no rhyme.
Three lines, rhyme.
Four lines, rhyme.
Two lines, no rhyme.

That is an example of a structure that you could use, though it is all up to your artistic license.

I hope I was helpful. PM me with questions!

~ Clo