Another poem!

Ignorance, stupidity
Is all there seems to be.
Shallow hearts and minds.
The opposite of me.
Your not alone.
I know your pain.
And i would like to bare.
This burden that you carry.
For im always there.
I will be your heart.
Promise to be your grace.
Swear to always to wear a smile.
To be your pretty face.
Im your little secret.
Your little hidden book.
The one you need in case your lost.
If you just take the time to look.
You think im just some nobody.
That random person from the street.
But you couldnt be more wrong.
Im a treasure.
That tasty sweet.
Will you trust my words?
Will you turn away?
Will you cover your ears?
Deaf to what i say.
Im that special friend.
The one that will care.
If you have a problem.
Just know that im there.

This is so similar in terms of style to your other poem that they almost seem the same.

Too Angst! I can't find a poem because you've layered the angst so thick. It's distracting.

There are hints of a good poet in it. But, you stuck behind this idea of poetry.

Poetry = Versed Emotion NOT Raw Emotion

Remember that.

Adrian

Okay well just to let you know these are the fitrst ones ive ever written and yea.
I worked really hard on all three of them, and im not actually sure what your trying to say, it seems like your saying they are bad and its kinda making me want to not post these on here anymore.
I know your trying to help but no one else has thought that and two of them i did write the same day.

That's fine that it's your first poem. If you read my first poem "I Coughed Once for God" you will see faults in it. That's why you post these on here. It's not so people can swoon over your poems and call you a great poet unless you are. You are going to have poems that some people hate and others adore.

I'm saying that because you are writing from an angst, dark and "emo" perspective I don't like it.

And, for the record, you can have a thousand good reviews and only one bad one. Doesn't matter.

-Adrian

AWWW So friggin cute! I love it Kaykay. Is it like a love poem? That's what it seemed like. I think it was great. And dude with the eyeball as his pic....where did you get the emo hint from? There isn't a dang thing in here that is dark and deep. It's very light and romantic. I LOVE IT!

Silent Music-
Thanks for the poem response TayTay! I dont see where emo came from either.

adriangarcia-
Uhm let me tell you something hun, i dont write out of angst or a dark and emo perspective.
I write about how i am feeling and what i think.
Yes i know people arent to swoon over my poetry but you took this poem as a bad thing and its not. Im sorry that you dont like the way i write my poetry and such but (excuse my language) i dont give a f*ck what you think. your stuff probably isnt any better so yea i know what i meant by this poem and obviously you dont so drop it, i dont care anymore, ill remove if it makes you happy. I know you werent trying to make me feel lousy or anything but what you said about the "dark and emo" perspective kinda did. i dont like being considered "emo" as i am at school and home, i thought putting how i felt on here would help but so far it hasnt.

I didn't see anything dark and emo about it, I loved it. I think that raw emotion is the best. It makes me feel what the writer feels.

I will say this work on your grammar. There is a few I's that need to be capitilized. There may have been a few typos, but I didn't look.

Don't worry about critiques. Some always gives harsh critiques, its not just to you. Although you are supposed to throw in a little good with all critiques.

Ai, watch your language on here, younger kids get on here also. Just lettin ya know.

Your poems are unique and I like them. They aren't the same to me. They all are different.

Please keep writing because you are a very talented writer. Your work is going to get bashed to pieces sometimes. But please keep with it. Over time it will improve. Again fantastic job, good luck and keep writing.

Now, I have to defend myself.

RAWR: You keep saying you write out of what you feel and think which is what "emo" is. You're, my friend, mistaking "emo" with Gothic or as something misunderstood (misfit) which I am not. As far as, where the "emo" is coming from and I quote,

"Ignorance, stupidity <typical>
Is all there seems to be.
Shallow hearts and minds. <typical>
The opposite of me.
Your not alone. <typical>
I know your pain. <again, pain>
And i would like to bare.
This burden that you carry." <I like the "burden" but still typical>

If that isn't a hint of "emo" then I have, obviously, been mistaken. And though the story transgresses into a sweet message, the intro's tone carries till the end (for me, at least). Also, don't judge any of my poems when you've never read them. It's childish. As far as, taking this poem off the site. That's you're own prerogative but from some of the comments I've read your poetry has a place with them. And, as you said, it wasn't my intention to hurt your feelings but I do suggest, before you post another poem, to think whether or not you want it to be judged. If not, then don't post them here.

KAYLEN: I do believe I called her a "good poet."


FOR THE RECORD, if you have a problem with any of my critiques (this goes for everyone) then please PM me. Don't post them here, it's just plain unprofessional.

hey don't be annoyed about critiques on here. really no one means it in a bad way, even the most amazing poems people aren't afraid to say things they didn't like about it, it's all to help people improve and be the best they can be.

don't ever let what people say about your stuff stop you writing or stop you posting, but let it help you make your writing better.

^_^



I remember my first poem, it was horrible. But if you keep writing, keep practicing, and above all keep reading other people's writing and poetry everyone can improve.


I personally think this was a good attempt, I can see you have a pretty natural grasp of rhythm and flow, but a lot of first-timers poem's are very blunt. The point of poetry is to convey feelings, emotions, images through techniques of language. Try making your more descriptive, practicing describing scenes or people, smells, tastes, sounds as well as just straight out saying what you mean.

Rawr? wrote:Ignorance, stupidity
Is all there seems to be.
Shallow hearts and minds.
The opposite of me.
Your not alone.
I know your pain.
And i would like to bare.
This burden that you carry.
For im always there.
I will be your heart.
Promise to be your grace.
Swear to always to wear a smile.
To be your pretty face.
Im your little secret.
Your little hidden book.
The one you need in case your lost.
If you just take the time to look.
You think im just some nobody.
That random person from the street.
But you couldnt be more wrong.
Im a treasure.
That tasty sweet.
Will you trust my words?
Will you turn away?
Will you cover your ears?
Deaf to what i say.
Im that special friend.
The one that will care.
If you have a problem.
Just know that im there.

It was really coolio! don't listen to the stuck up fags!
I think it is good to write what you feel.
But you need to correct all your Im It should be I'm.
Also what you can do if you want to is to separate your poem so it would be easier to read for the readers like this:

Ignorance, stupidity
Is all there seems to be.
Shallow hearts and minds.
The opposite of me.

Your not alone.
I know your pain.
And i would like to bare.
This burden that you carry.
For im always there.

I will be your heart.
Promise to be your grace.
Swear to always to wear a smile.
To be your pretty face.

Im your little secret.
Your little hidden book.
The one you need in case your lost.
If you just take the time to look.

You think im just some nobody.
That random person from the street.
But you couldnt be more wrong.
Im a treasure.
That tasty sweet.

Will you trust my words?
Will you turn away?
Will you cover your ears?
Deaf to what i say.
Im that special friend.
The one that will care.
If you have a problem.
Just know that im there.

So keep on doing what you are doing
Really good,coolio, and great poems!

i think "stuck up fags" is a bit harsh to be honest.

theres no need for people to start name calling.

Yes, I agree.
there wasnt any need for the "stuck up fags" comment.

holy crap this got hostile quick...

anyway i liked this poem actually i can kinda connect to it personally cause that is pretty much exactly me

in my opinion poetry can be ANYTHING
for example:
The Iliad is a story but in poetic form
Gilgamesh is a story in poetic form
there is no versed emotion in those stories or at least it isnt the main thing

with poetry you have a freedom that you dont really have with any other form of writing

Wow. I almost forgot that this was a writing site for a second! I mean, all the language, and name-calling.. People are just trying to help, Rawr. Just to let you know. And hey, my writing has gotten TORN apart plenty of times. But it's all in good heart - usually! Keep in mind that people are here to help... I've been here only a couple of days, and I've already noticed that!

Anyway...back to the writing..

Your poem has a good feel - I like how you don't try rhymning, and all of that.

"I will be your heart"

That line is a bit cliche. I feel like I hear it a lot. Try going somewhere else with that.

I do like the "tasty treat" part. It's different, and that caught me off guard.

Annnnd, as always, read you're pieces out loud. That way you can hear your mistakes, or spots that it doesn't flow. But keep up the work. And let the critiques and comments come - they help.

-R

It was so funny reading your replies..

anyway, the guy was reviewing your work. Expect the negative feedbacks even if you're one of the best writers in the world..

I think Shakespeare is so amazing. One of the best! But not everybody likes him. See?

anyway back to your poem.

i think it's good... but you could use other words -- like, yeah, the "i will be your heart" part.
try new words you know... experiment.


anyway i haven't read some of your works this is the first one. so i think it's unique. simple but good.


keep writing

--therese

p.s. i'm not really a good -- as in good -- writer. i've only posted one poem actually, just testing this site.. i came across with your work... just want to say, i'm just expressing my opinion.

you can do what you want with your works.

(i wasn't intimidated by your replies. haha. )