I love you? Yea right!

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You tell me you love me.
I say you lie..
You question my answer.
And i start to cry.
You pull me close.
And i rip away.
You ask when i will for give you.
I say "obviously not today"
You look at me with hurt.
But I know that its a fake.
Because the tables finally turn when your heart is put at stake.
You try to say your sorry,
And that you hurt me with your love.
I say your just a liar.
A reject from above.
I thought you were so special.
But clearly I was blind.
I only saw the outer shell never cared for whats behind.
I should have listen to my friends.
I should have stayed away.
I should have saved my loving heart
for someone i knew would stay.
You look at me with eyes so bleak.
Then you turned to her and kiss her cheek.
Your heart is now to stone to me.
But when it comes to her shes a special as can be.
I don't understand what i did.
Where I made my mistake.
But clearly it was something big.
Because it caused my heart to fall and break.
I'm that girl that steps aside.
The one that has feelings to hide.
I put on my mask.
And I smile everyday.
Hope, praying, wishing that this pain will go away.
You couldn't make your choice.
And this is what i get.
For shedding tears that didn't matter.
And meeting you my biggest regret.
I wish I could believe you
when you say you love me so.
But how i can believe a liar
someone that stooped so low.
I hope she makes you happy.
And puts a smile on your face.
With my heart slowly stopping its perfect steady pace.
Shes probably that someone special.
That one that's there to stay.
That one that wont quit fighting and never go away.
I remember when i was her.
The one that worshiped at your feet.
But now its time for her to shine.
And me to take my seat.
I hate her because I'm jealous.
Because its her not me.
That is making you smile.
And feeling we are meant to be.
But here is where its over.
The book is finally done.
Another chapter in my life.
With a battle never won.
Last edited by Rawr? on Fri Oct 24, 2008 6:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Giving up doesnt always mean you are weak, sometimes it just mena youre strong enough to let go. <3




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the poem is really great...although it's sad *hugs*

you know that he never could stay for the eternity, and it's meant to be this way...
you're only 13, don't take it this seriously(!!!)
enjoy what you're living through, take these hurt and pain only as lessons for your life, let it make you stronger and wiser...and never stop believing

in this age, i mean 13-20, we're only learning what love is and how to treat it right...
enjoy the time you've spent with him, don't regret anything that's happened!!!
try to ask yourself questions like why it's meant to end like this, just stop for a second and listen to what's your heart saying, just listen ( i know it sound really stupid, but do it)...
sooner or later you'll find the answers that you're looking for, it all depends on you.*hugs*

again, i liked the song
shabat shalom : ]] (i'm from israel XD and today it's friday and shabat, so shabat shalom) :D
Qui vivra, verra...




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wow that was.... amazing! your only thirteen (god i feel so old - im only two years older!) but i loved it all the way, i cant rhym to save my life but you did it perfectly, and i imagened them so clearly in my mind. I liked it wehn im surprised, and it surprised me all the way though with lines i have never heard of before, if you know what i mean, but like they fitted together so perfectl. I loved it!!!! :D I am now your fan - yay!
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
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well, this poem accomplishes what it sets out to do, i'll give you that. it rhymed well, it seemed to flow, and it was well-written, especially at the end. however, this is just straight storytelling. it simply isn't very poetic most of the time. i've read some of your other stuff, and the trend holds. it's a poem, certainly, but you should really utilize your artistic license. remember, you're an artist. feel free to use whatever you wish. good job.
-zalarus
I'll tell you this -
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.

You sound like a hillbilly,
We want folk singers here.




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Thanks for your replies.
I put alot of time and effort into this.

Beyond the mask-
I was really attached to him and then he really hurt me, and then apoligized alot.
He just recently moved to Pensilvania.
I still talk to him but he'll never know how bad he really hurt me.
I know im only 13 but when you get so close to someone (4 years) its hard to let go.
He was actually my first boyfriend and ive only had two others.

Gracee-
Thanks I really appreciate you being my "fan"
Writing is my life, same with music, i can relate to things easily being through as much as i have.
I wouldnt say my poems are perfect but everyone says they are good.
I want to get published for some of my writings but so far ive had zero luck.
When i write poetry and such it always has to do with how im feeling or a problem im having.
I cant just make something up as i go, it has to be real for me to do any good.

Zalarus-
Thanks for your reaponse.
What exactly do you mean by "utilize my artistic lisence"??
Can you explain please!

Anyways thanks again and i will post up more.
Im surprised no one has found anything wrong with it yet.
Giving up doesnt always mean you are weak, sometimes it just mena youre strong enough to let go. <3




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i probably wasn't using the term correctly. i meant that you should feel free to use metaphor and literary techniques to make your poems, well, poetic. this right now just feels like a straight story in verse, and i'm not a big fan of that. but that's just me. do what you will. most importantly, keep writing.
-zalarus
I'll tell you this -
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.

You sound like a hillbilly,
We want folk singers here.




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Zalarus-
Okay thanks, I understand now!!
And i will definately keep writing!
Giving up doesnt always mean you are weak, sometimes it just mena youre strong enough to let go. <3




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It seems your wrote your currently posted poems one after the other, because the style and some of words are unmistakably similar. And, all the problems still exist.

You keep writing out of RAW emotion; edit! It's like writing an essay without checking spelling and grammar.

If you did edit, you did it in a rush. I say that because you misspelled "stake" as "steak." Take your time. Poems shouldn't be rushed!

-Adrian




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Super Good. I could even sing it as a rock song. No grammer mestakes. All your rhymes were good. Thumbs Up! Your poem was long, Very Good! You had feelings in it.

Evrything is great
But... If you can reply can you tell me if it's ok did this really happen to you?
If it did you are a really strong person.

Awsome job!!!!!!
Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you




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Hello Rawr.

I think your poem has potential but it needs some serious work. There is a lot of navel-gazing going on. For further explanation check out Snoink's article.

viewarticlebody.php?t=19434


Another thing, no matter how wonderful your words if the grammar and punctuation is off it can get annoying for readers.


First off please capitalize all those 'i's

You try to say your sorry,
And that you hurt me with your love.
I say your just a liar.
A reject from above.
I thought you were so special.
But clearly I was blind.
I only saw the outer shell never cared for whats behind.


-You're
-What's

There are many more little mistakes in your poem such as these ones. Take out extra time at the end to go through your poem once again and correct all the little mistakes.

-Mizz Iceberg
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
--Ellen DeGeneres




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WOW your 13? definitely you have a great way with words. I liked your poem it was different. Mostly when something like that happens you hate the girl..you projected your feelings in telling the story. Nicely done keep on writing! :)




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Loved it! You (or the artistic character) were so sad about the betrayal. I could feel the emotions and it had a little bit of fun.
Because the tables finally turn when your heart is put at stake.


Maybe you should split it up. it kindda ruins the flow.

Capitalize some I's and this is a great way to go :D
Your 14? WOW O.O
Keep on writing!
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Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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I agree with *writewatiwant* it needs paragrphing.
Apart from that there is nothing left to say... exept for my usual: Keep writing :) (you've got talent)
Speling mestackes ink.

Flowing scribble

Guns don't kill people, people kill people... And monkeys do (if they have a gun)- Eddie Izzard




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Wow, that's a deep poem, but i liked it.

Very good metaphors and words. What motivated you to write that poem? You could win, if you entered a contest with it, i think so at least.

keep writing.




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Sportfreak13-
Uhm, my inspiration for writing this was because of how badly this guy hurt me.
This was last year though so Im okay now.
And thanks but no thanks.
I dont like entering poems like these in contests, lol.
I like entering my ones that mean more to the reader of the poem than myself.
But anyways thanks for the crit.
Giving up doesnt always mean you are weak, sometimes it just mena youre strong enough to let go. <3



If you run now, you will be running the rest of your life.
— Reborn