the eternal dream

Wow! I think out of all the poems that I have read since I joined this website, your poem is my most favorite. You completely captivated me and drew me in. I kept reading on and on, in anticipation of what would happen next and what would be the next adventure. Man, you went into extreme detail about preachers, demons, soldiers dying, lost love, reaching other planets, and horrible fantasies. Dude, you are seriously good!!! I takes a lot for me as a writer and reader to be satisfied, but you did it. I completely enjoyed this piece. I wonder where all of this came from? What was the motivation behind this poem? What inspired you to write so beautifully and share the passion and excitement of another world unknown. This was a very power Narrative Poem and I was amazed at your creativity, your ability to portray something so well, and the way your words flowed. Good job! I really look forward to reading more of your work and I'm going to request that you add me as a friend, so I won't forget.Hope you keep on writing and taking people on magical journeys that they could never fathom or comprehend!!!

Aww... I swear, if someone ever writes something like this for me...

Anyway, let's see if I can come up with any constructive feedback.

[quote]the eternal dream[/quote]

The title seems weak in comparison to the poem. Consider something stronger, more intriguing?


[quote]we plunged through the murky depths of the world

laughing our way through the hordes of blank faces

and empty seats on the subway.

flying through the milky way

in the hopes of reaching a different planet

fast in the pursuit of the eternal dream.

we let the demons run amok

indulging in their most horrible fantasies,

but we didn't care

their rage was absurd,

and empty[/quote]

That was all awesome, don't change anything.

[quote]she led me through the dark corridors of my mind

the barest psych images slamming into me
[/quote]

What do you mean by "psych"? Psychological? Psychotic?

[quote]stripping my soul naked.[/quote]

A little cliched, maybe.

[quote]desperately clutching on to my only salvation

i heard the preacher

his mouth was full of blood and fire

and he spoke words of terror.[/quote]

Great imagery.

f[quote]or a moment i was frightened of this madman

but when i gazed into her infinite deep eyes, angelic,
[/quote]

The part about her deep angelic eyes is again, a bit a cliched. I'd at least cut "deep" because it interrupts the flow. Also, if her eyes are infinite, then obviously they're deep.

[quote]i knew how pitiful he was

so i opened my third eye

and severed my chains

i am now truly free

and we journey on

through the valley of the kings,

we ride on the white-feathered wings of eternity.

climbing the spires of ten-thousand frantic suicides[/quote]

All of that is just beautiful. Breathtaking.

[quote]i look below

and see the damned

clawing at my feet

screaming obscenities

i whispered no,

and they scurried back to their dark, forgotten halls,

shivering wretchedly in the cold.

there is no hope for these souls.

the soldier lays dying on the field of dust.

i saw him there, crying for his lost love.

but the black tears on his face,

they are from laughter.

for he has realized that the most precious thing about life

is that sometime, it must end.

although i'd like to stay for a bit,

and give honors to the dead

we must travel on...[/quote]

Nice ending.

Overall, this is a unique, vivid and powerful poem. Keep writing.