poetry my first try sorry if it is bad

the sky is blue and the grass is green I miss you please do not leave I need you please do not scream.I love do not leave or scream.please. the sky is green and the grass is blue without you . please.

First you need to review two other pieces of work before you post your own.

Im also not going to try and read this, it is all in one long line.

Try breaking it up. It will be much easier for people to read.

Meevs

Wow. This is first grade poetry. I really hope that this is a joke.

Haha, yeah i agree with the two posts above me. Its pretty much not an attempt. But try breaking it up into line breaks and add more depth to it because the grass and sky changing colors, its not a strong message. Keep it up if its not a joke though.

stop being mean, you three!

You are only 13, which isn't saying that all 13 year olds can't write, you need some more experience.

I would suggest reading some poetry, brush up on some things and try again

Yes, your formating needed to be brushed up on too.

Don't give up on writing though, like you said it's only your first attempt at this!

PM me for any help whatsoever, i will help you to write better and help you with the basics.

Keep trying,


---Jon---
P.S. -- Why were you guys so mean? It was her first try,
And midnight, keep trying!

justin5676 wrote:Wow. This is first grade poetry. I really hope that this is a joke.

That was really uncalled for.

Well, Midnight, dear, I think this is a very good first attempt at poetry! I really do.

the sky is blue and the grass is green I miss you please do not leave I need you please do not scream.I love do not leave or scream.please. the sky is green and the grass is blue without you . please.

Okay. When you crack open a poetry book (Shel Silverstein is my favorite!) you notice that there are a lot of things different than when you crack open your favorite novel.

Poetry is sometimes (not all the time) written in stanzas. Take, for instance, a poem by Mr. Silverstein:

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

This poem is titled "Where the Sidewalk Ends." Perhaps you have read it? Look at the way it is set up. You notice that it's not at all written like a novel. There are line breaks, stanzas (a group of lines), and spaces in between the stanzas. This is the 'normal' way of setting up a poem. Of course, rules are meant to be broken. Not all poems follow this rule.

Take a look at your poem, now.

the sky is blue and the grass is green I miss you please do not leave I need you please do not scream.I love do not leave or scream.please. the sky is green and the grass is blue without you . please.

The first thing that I notice is there is little to no capitalization. Let's take this step by step into forming this into a poem! First, I'll go through and capitalize everything that needs to be capitalized. Then, I'll insert punctuation, which is really needed.

The sky is blue, and the grass is green. I miss you. Please do not leave. I need you. Please do not scream. Please. The sky is green and the grass is blue without you. Please.

There. Now it looks a titch better. But it still doesn't look like a poem. What I'm going to show you now is formatting the poem. Putting it into stanzas. Usually, a stanza is one idea. It's similar to a paragraph in prose (novels, books and such).

The sky is blue,
and the grass is green.
I miss you.
Please do not leave.
I need you.
Please do not scream.
Please.
The sky is green and the grass is blue without you.

Okay! It's looking a lot better now, and more like a poem! Now I have to leave it all up to you. You need to read this out loud, and see what you think. When I read it out loud, all of the 'please's really don't sound right at all. Find another word of please. Find phrases that are great for these kinds of poems. You are trying to rhyme, but I wouldn't focus on the rhyming just yet. Blank verse is where you write emotions, descriptions and feelings down into a poem format, and make it sound all nice and pretty. Rhyming really is a bad way to start writing poetry, because it forces you to a certain word that maybe doesn't fit with what you are trying to convey.

So. Take a look at what I've done, and if you need a little bit more help, please send me a PM and I'll gladly come back and help you a bit more!

-Jared

P.S. -- Why were you guys so mean? It was her first try,

-This was not being mean, it is simply asking for the correct formatting for the site.

And even if someonething is someone's first piece does not mean that it must be praised, people post their work here because it is not perfect, they seek information and help with their work, if the author thought it was perfect there would be no need for them to post it here at the YWS.

We are community to help each other, giving honest critisism is sometimes the best way to help others. It is not being mean At the moment I personally found it hard to critique, I am not one for poetry so I would never tell someone they can not do poetry.

I feel like there needs to be much more depth here, more emotion. At the moment it is short and simple and sweet. Try adding more emotion, more feeling into this, connect to the reader, it will be worth it.



Meevs
x

Guys be gentle. Her first try it was. Said that she did. Okay dear, this was quite......hmmmm.......quite
eye opening. It was a little weak in words, but that is no problem. Just write more and it will increase
in goodness! It might be possible that you aren't the best poetry writer, but you still can write poetry.
Some of the best poetry doesn't even rhyme. So put your mind into non rhyming poetry first before
you move totally into all rhyming. But non-rhyming poetry does take some serious deep thoughts.
Keep writing!

Alright, this has been taken care of on the moderators side, so let's drop it.

Welcome to YWS, first of all! If you have any questions about the site, or need help finding something, feel free to PM me. I'm sorry others were rude to you, and don't take it too much to heart. Everyone starts somewhere, and we all tend to start on the lower end. It takes a lot of work to become a writer, but I have faith in you!

My advice would be, if you would like to become a poet, to read poetry! I was never great at poetry when I was younger, but since I started reading more poetry, I have improved so much. I honestly think reading poetry did more for me than anything else. It's also a great things to do on its own. Some great poets are Emily Dickinson, T.S. Elliot, and Ezra Pound. Those are just a few of my favorites. I wish you tons of luck on your journey to becoming a well read poet.

Also, have you introduced yourself in the welcome section? It's a great way to make friends!


Have a wonderful day. ^^

Hia and Welcome to YWS!!!! Im glad that you are posting your work, but i think you should review some stories and poetry before you post any more.. As for the poem, i think it is very good, but just one line takes away all the depth and feeling to it.. You should make it into stanzas, and add much more to it.. What is this poem about? why would she scream? put much more feeling to it, and it will become a true masterpiece!!!! it is a great idea for a poem, just add more meat in it.. I cant wait to see more of your poems!!!!!!!! Keep it up!!!! and guys please don't be so harsh.. You can critique it without sounding mean you know...


*Emily*

Hey welcome to YWS.

I actually liked the poem.

But you deffanly need to break it up some.

It's not easy posting your work for every one to critique.

I do think you should look at some poetry, to give yourself an idea. I see you were kind
of baseing your's off of, roses are red violets are blue....But I dont really thing it is
origional enough (because of that)

I do like it, it's cute.

I think It would have gotten a better impression if you had broken it up a little.

I don't think it's that bad guys.
Keep trying! You've got the idea. You just need to apply some of the elements of poetry to it, you know?

miyaviloves wrote:

P.S. -- Why were you guys so mean? It was her first try,

-This was not being mean, it is simply asking for the correct formatting for the site.

And even if someonething is someone's first piece does not mean that it must be praised, people post their work here because it is not perfect, they seek information and help with their work, if the author thought it was perfect there would be no need for them to post it here at the YWS.

We are community to help each other, giving honest critisism is sometimes the best way to help others. It is not being mean At the moment I personally found it hard to critique, I am not one for poetry so I would never tell someone they can not do poetry.

I feel like there needs to be much more depth here, more emotion. At the moment it is short and simple and sweet. Try adding more emotion, more feeling into this, connect to the reader, it will be worth it.



Meevs
x

actually it was pretty harsh to say its first grade poetry.
Yes poeple put their work on here because its not perfect but also because they want helped with it.
I highly doubt your first time was much better than hers.

justin5676 wrote:Wow. This is first grade poetry. I really hope that this is a joke.

That was unecessary.
Its her first time writing poetry and for a first time its better than i expected.
yes things are to be critiqued but not in a mean way. Be a little more gengtle when critiquing peples work, especially new comers, not because they are new and havent done any of this before but because they arent used to the mean crit from poeple and it could very easily shy them away from writng.

Anyways, Midnight hun, for a first time, i didnt expect it to be perfect, trust me my first time wasnt that good either.
Break it up into separate stanzas so its easir to read and understand.
Also try adding lines and filling it with more emotion.
Put what your feeling directly into the poem, it somewhat seems like you were holding back what you can really do, so edit this and repost it when you have more to it!
Id love to read it afterwards and help with whatever i can.
Good job for a first timer!
Keep on writing Midnight!