Grilled Cheese
Saturday. No Facebook wall posts, no emails, and no phone calls. Plans with my so-called friends had fallen through. There I was again, wearing my new jacket, carrying my cell phone, and a full tank of gas, with nowhere to go.
The thought of spending Saturday night home alone was far too depressing for me, so I decided to leave. I pulled out of the driveway like an over wound guitar string and snapped onto the main road. Listening to the hippest post-new-wave techno tracks, I drove the car like a Hot-Wheels toy to the nearest gas station. I picked up a pack of Turkish Golds and made my way to this parking lot where all these loser kids hung out at.
I knew most of the kids there, though I didn’t really care for any of ‘em. I pulled the cellophane off my Golds and smoked one in the meager throng of familiar strangers. Turkish Golds always seem so appealing to me till I light one up. After the first drag I always remember how insanely mediocre smoking is. No fulfillment comes of it. I don’t know why I do it; I guess there’s just nothing else to do.
“Hi everyone,” I said. “What’s goin’ on?”
“Nothin’” one of my feeble minded acquaintances replied as he brought his cigarette to his mouth. “This is it.”
After about twenty minutes of standing there talking to kids whose attention for real conversation had long expired, I decided to leave. I felt like some coffee from someplace, but not in my town. So I got on the highway and drove about fifteen minutes to a Starbucks in this nearby city. It was cold outside and it felt like Christmas inside the Starbucks, with all of these red walls and chrome wreaths and candy canes and crap. I ordered the least faggoty sounding flavored latte drink I could find. I got outa’ there as soon as I could and went back to my car. I sat and idled for a little while with the engine running. The night looked very picturesque and cinematic-like with all these yellow, green, and red traffic lights. The lit up golden arches, Mobile, Shell, and Starbucks signs hanging over the two-lane road made me feel like I could be anywhere in America.
After I finished my coffee I put the car in reverse and headed outa’ there. As I put my car in first and made my right on to the main road I stalled out in the middle of the lane. Some bastard who I was cutting off honked his horn and got real upset like he had just broken up with his precious girlfriend or something. I turned the car back on and drove away. I decided to go back to the parking lot in town to see if anyone was there. When I was still on the highway it started to snow a bit and by the time I got to the damn parking lot everyone had left. They were probably in a different parking lot somewhere to drift in their cars, pretending like they were David Gordon or some other middle American white trash hero like that.
With no other places to go I began the drive home. I didn’t drive fast or anything, after all it was snowing, and I wasn’t the kind of emo kid who wants to kill himself or anything like that. I just wanted to go home.
I arrived at about 10:30 or so, my parents were out, and my sister was at a sleepover. So there I was, home alone at 10:30 on a Saturday night, in the exact situation I was trying to avoid. I stood in the foyer for a while, without turning the light on. Then I lied down on the rug right in the middle of the room. I took out my cell phone, wallet, and car keys and threw them away as hard as I could. I heard them slam into the walls and I hoped that the damn cell phone would break.
Now I don’t want to tell all of you what was going through my mind or anything because I don’t wana’ sound like one of those complaining, whiney, emo bastards. But I will say that I wasn’t feeling quite up to par. I lied there for a long time till I realized I hadn’t eaten anything yet. I got up and walked in the kitchen and turned on the light. I looked in the fridge and the pantry. All there was was salad and cheese and all these foods that my Mom easts. The only thing I could do anything with were these strips of cheddar cheese. I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich with ‘em. I whipped together my sandwich and filled a glass up with milk and went down to my oh-so-cliché basement. I sat down on the old couch down there and turned on the T.V. There was nothing to watch, of course, like who would be home on a saturday night? I was feeling a little bit better though; my grilled cheese came out well and I was enjoying it a lot.
So as I was flipping through the channels I found this show on some obscure channel that I didn’t even know we had that was playing really good, non-MTV, indie music. As I finally put the remote down though, I accidentally knocked over my glass of milk. And the milk spilled all over my arm and the floor and my fucking sandwich. I screamed, “Goddamn it! Goddamn it! Piece of shit!” and I threw that damn glass at the floor as hard as I could. The glass erupted in to a ton’a little pieces, all strewn out across the floor. I just couldn’t take it. But when I was just about to really lose it this song came on the T.V.
It started with this like, piano riff with bass guitar and drums and stuff, and then this really good-looking girl started singing on it. She wasn’t like, traditionally good-looking, no blond hair or blue eyes or anything, but she was uniquely beautiful. She had this sort of darker hair, and these like, brownish eyes, and her voice was very individual. It wasn’t all pop sounding, or bubble gummy, or anything like that. It was just so indie. So perfectly aggressive, but poignant, but not sad at all. It was perfect, and it just killed me. I hate to tell you this but I sort of started to even cry a little bit. I mean, I wasn’t bawling or anything, but there I was in my basement, alone at 11:04 on Saturday night, with milk all over my food. I felt like I was a goddamn four year-old or something. I got up and started to pickup the pieces of glass.
Right in the middle of this damn gorgeous song though, I heard my parents pulling into the driveway. So to avoid talking with them I turned off the T.V. and went upstairs as fast as I could. I put the dishes on the kitchen counter and ran up to my room, picking up my keys, phone, and wallet on the way.
I finally got to my room and as I was pulling down the shades I saw that it had stopped snowing outside. There was a good few inches out there and it would probably take a while for it to melt away, but I knew it would eventually. I got in bed and heard my parents walk in the front door. As I was lying there, I thought about the girl on T.V. who was singing that song. I thought about how much more experienced she is than me. I thought about how I’m eighteen and I’m still a virgin, and that she, probably only a few years older than me, had already made it. I thought about school. I thought about my own pitiful evening. Somehow though, I sort of felt like everything would happen eventually. I thought that all of these things might just be a matter of time or geography or something. I felt that all these things would melt away eventually. I guess I just have to wait a little while.
Well anyway, ‘guess I just have to get on with it.
