An Absence

Days have past and words have not been written. The world has turned and events occurred yet records have not been recorded. I sit here an invisible man as my existence is purely through memory, a false testimony to the miles that have been walked. I sit here a foolish man with no remembrance of my bruises, no recollection of my creation, no thoughts of where I am. I sit here an isolated man for I forget where i left my friends. But as i write now the pen starts to remember. I hope he tells the right story.

Prose at its best my friend.
A testament to the zeitgeist of any story worth telling. A scorching sensational piece, but i feel as though its just the beginning to something truly awesome and, perhaps, worthwhile.

Keep it up, Keep it right up.

Wow, that was an amazing peice of work. I like your style. Oh, just so you know, you need to post 2 review before you post your own work. Just remember for next time so that you wont get into trouble. Well anyway, great work, keep it up!

Amazing. I love it. It's a breath of fresh air from a lot of the other work I have seen here, and I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm just saying that this is different. It was absolutely stunning and inspirational, and it makes me want to write something. Keep up the good work.

theae wrote:Days have past and words have not been written. The world has turned and events occurred yet records have not been recorded. I sit here an invisible man as my existence is purely through memory, a false testimony to the miles that have been walked. I sit here a foolish man with no remembrance of my bruises, no recollection of my creation, no thoughts of where I am. I sit here an isolated man for I forget where i left my friends. But as i write now the pen starts to remember. I hope he tells the right story.

Okay, well first of all i do like it.
And second it should not be past, it should be passed.
And third break it apart like after every period enter it and put the next line under it.
Kinda like i am right now.
Anyways just edit it and repost it, its pretty good.
Keep up the good work!

Don't listen to the swine above, keep the format. This is a great blend of Prose writing and pure poetic journalism. It's great and keep it that way.

Rawr? wrote:Okay, well first of all i do like it.
And second it should not be past, it should be passed.
And third break it apart like after every period enter it and put the next line under it.
Kinda like i am right now.
Anyways just edit it and repost it, its pretty good.
Keep up the good work!

you dont like this poem - you like format and meaningless trite passed off as proper conventions from which the seed of dogma flows much like youve espoused. look up "originality" on wikipedia or even dictionary.com, it will do you wonders. is this really all you had to say about the poem? ha...this is so typical of people on here, flamethrowering on bland aspects without realizing that within those words there lies a meaning.

Anyway...

theae, this is a good piece, simply put. i was pleasantly surprised that you could pull off a Plato's Cave kind of thing within a conversational format, which is shown through the isolation and separation of the self from the elusive "other". passage of time is another theme that you explored, revolving into it immediately at the beginning and keeping it as an undercurrent throughout. fluency was decent although i was expecting more of a distant approach; you personalized it, which is preferable in most cases, but in this instance your personalization serves as your bane for that is antithesis to the whole point of the phrase. zoom in to the character's mind and zoom out just as quickly so that we are parched of all familiarity and the definition of existentialism (the backbone of your piece) is revealed.

errtu2 wrote:Don't listen to the swine above, keep the format. This is a great blend of Prose writing and pure poetic journalism. It's great and keep it that way.

Well to let you know errtu2, i am a completely different person than you are and that also means i will have a different opinion of things such as this poem....

Galerius wrote:

Rawr? wrote:Okay, well first of all i do like it.
And second it should not be past, it should be passed.
And third break it apart like after every period enter it and put the next line under it.
Kinda like i am right now.
Anyways just edit it and repost it, its pretty good.
Keep up the good work!

you dont like this poem - you like format and meaningless trite passed off as proper conventions from which the seed of dogma flows much like youve espoused. look up "originality" on wikipedia or even dictionary.com, it will do you wonders. is this really all you had to say about the poem? ha...this is so typical of people on here, flamethrowering on bland aspects without realizing that within those words there lies a meaning.

Anyway...

theae, this is a good piece, simply put. i was pleasantly surprised that you could pull off a Plato's Cave kind of thing within a conversational format, which is shown through the isolation and separation of the self from the elusive "other". passage of time is another theme that you explored, revolving into it immediately at the beginning and keeping it as an undercurrent throughout. fluency was decent although i was expecting more of a distant approach; you personalized it, which is preferable in most cases, but in this instance your personalization serves as your bane for that is antithesis to the whole point of the phrase. zoom in to the character's mind and zoom out just as quickly so that we are parched of all familiarity and the definition of existentialism (the backbone of your piece) is revealed.

I never said that i didnt like the poem as you can clearly see in the first sentence of my post...
And like i told errtu2, people have different opinions for different things and this happens to be one thing im disagreeing on...
it would be alot better of a poem if he broke it up and used correct words (past=passed)
This is my opinion of why it would be better and i do quote
"Days have past and words have not been written. The world has turned and events occurred yet records have not been recorded. I sit here an invisible man as my existence is purely through memory, a false testimony to the miles that have been walked. I sit here a foolish man with no remembrance of my bruises, no recollection of my creation, no thoughts of where I am. I sit here an isolated man for I forget where i left my friends. But as i write now the pen starts to remember. I hope he tells the right story."
It should look more like....
"Days have passed and words have not been written.
The world has turned and events occurred, yet records have not been recorded.
I sit here an invisible man as my existence is purely through memory, a false testimony to the miles that have been walked.
I sit here a foolish man with no remembrance of my bruises, no recollection of my creation, and no thoughts of where I am.
I sit here an isolated man for I forget where i left my friends.
But as i write now the pen starts to remember.
I hope he tells the right story."
You both, actually everyone can disagree with everything i have had to say....
It will still not change my opinion of this poem....

-Katlyne

Wow. I really loved this. Just a few minor things.

1) Rawr? is right. Past should be passed. Although I do disagree with her on the line breaks. This piece is a rare example of a prose poem that works.
2) Capitalize all the I's. "i" distracts your reader and detracts from the piece.

Aside from those, a lovely piece overall. I especially enjoyed the ending. Keep it up!

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. The title fits perfectly, as I feel you work well with describing "that feeling" that taunts you.

I sit here an invisible man as my existence is purely through memory, a false testimony to the miles that have been walked.

I like this, you insert the present as the only testimony for one's existence, and then you digest the thought.

I really liked this, and as for criticism I would say try to work some of the wording in your last line. It distracted me when you referred to the pen as "he". The line almost stepped out of character for me. I can't offer a better alternative, but maybe you can fiddle with that aspect of the poem.

Other than that, as this is my first post, I look forward to your next writings.

Thanks alot for the reviews everyone. Here is what I took out of it. Please let me know what you think, and if you see more errors.

Days have passed and words have not been written. The world has turned and events occurred yet records have not been recorded. I sit here an invisible man as my existence is purely through memory, a false testimony to the miles that have been walked. I sit here a foolish man with no remembrance of my bruises, no recollection of my creation, no thoughts of where I am. I sit here an isolated man for I forget where I left my friends. But as I write now the pen starts to remember. I hope it tells the right story.