That guy!

2 posts
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 29
You stand in my lawn,
I wish you were close.
But when you come nearer,
I close the doors.

As much as I hate you
I am attracted by your charm.
But then I repel because
you can cause me a lot of harm.

You make me run away from you
Then make me return.
I know you aren't worth it,
But when will I learn?
Last edited by fun4eva on Tue Oct 21, 2008 3:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Gender Female
Points 1057
Reviews 9
Ok so i have a few things to point out. You start with a stanza that doesn't rhyme but then in the next two it does. I think you need to make the first stanza match the ABAB rhyming scheme you have chosen.
Secondly, in the first stanza, last line i think you need to add in 'all' so that it matches the 5 syllable thing your going for.
Thirdly, In the second stanza, you have put 'As much I hate you'. This doesn't make sense, you would have to change it to 'As much as i hate you' but that would mess up the syllable thing so i think you might have to reword that sentance.
Fourthly, the whole of the second stanza's syllable counting has gone wrong. It is quite messed up so you might have to change some wording to make it fit properly and flow more.
The last stanza is ok, but the rest needs a little more work. Of course my suggestions are only suggestions and you could not listen to me at all, however if you are willing to alter you poem slightly i think that the flow would be better and it would be more enjoyable to read. I thought that your ideas were good, and that your way of telling the peom is good as well, if you fill in the gaps i think it will be a good poem. Good luck!



To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.
— Tony Dorsett