The Art of Looking Down

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[Picture #12]

it is unrolled before me.
a Persian rug with countless stories and legends and people woven inside of it. it is alive. it breathes. i have my eyes pressed to the base of its jaw like two cold fingers of a hand checking for a pulse, a hand that's gone to medical school and returned with a degree, framed and iced, like pheasant under glass, like some kind of paper bacteria pinched between an electron microscope slide.
wrap yourself up in this,
this radiation gown, ma'am, that has a split down the back (a fancy evening dress that shows a lot of thigh), but we're not looking. you've got your privacy. close your blinds, shut them tight, block out all the light so that my eyes can't check to make sure you're still alive.
of course, i feel myself getting a little sick too. i sniffle, like a drug dog nuzzling the trenchcoat pockets of dealers and i feel as if someone has clamped down one of those big beehive perming helmets that you see in rows at the salon, eating the heads of a bunch of women with crossed legs and magazines in their hands. my ears ring (cash registers opening in the store owned by that Korean couple; make a wish) and if you put a stethoscope up to my chest you can hear – if you listen close enough – people whispering in my basements. i know exactly what kind of virus i've got, because it's all over the mouthpieces of my pay phones and wadded up in my trashcans.
strange, i have pictures of myself from fifty, sixty years ago and my cheeks look so full and happy and bright, like greeting card cherubs and there is hardly a trace of soot behind my ears. now,
now, though.
i've got so much grit in my pores that if someone took me outside and clapped my hands together, all this chalk dust would float up from my skin and obscure the sun. and i don't want that to happen, because the sun is my only source of protein these days.
i'm an old biology skeleton in a supply closet, grinning because that's all i know how to do. crouching, because my spine is so rigid when it gets dark out. can you hear that? can you? it's what used to be my insides, all busy and active, zipping and yawing like robot arms inside a car factory, robot arms coaxing purple flesh out from between angry legs, but are now broken and stiff: a watch submerged in water.
people.
people wipe their feet on me and they ignore all the richness in my threads.
they only see the smog in the sky.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Hey Ky,

Just thought I'd comment on this since it no one else did. ^_^
I liked this and if you don't stop writing good stuff I'm never going to win a contest. Well anyways, I don't remember exactly what the picture looked like but I kinda heard the city talking a little bit. Though I assume that its the city's spirit and not the city itself. I really can't tell but aside from that a good read.

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Kylan!

Yes, I do have experience with this form. Well, kind of, I suppose. xD Sadly enough, I’d written something for the contest in this exact form too. ^^ I’ll be changing that later tonight.

Why am I changing that?! You ask with shock and horror (or something similar)? Because this is quite fantastic. The feeling of the city is clear, the way you’ve pressed the nature of the city on the reader is done very well.

I’d noticed, though, that you had few deviations from the thoughts. You did sidle off into connecting thoughts, but they were all linear, as far as I could see. You knew where one thought began and the next ended. I’d have liked to see some distractions in there.

But, I think we both need to remember, though (me as the reader, and you as the writer) that each consciousness has its own personality. Yours feels almost perfect to me, but there’s something in the age of the beast, you know. It feels old, the city, and the being, but your thoughts aren’t exactly. The way it’s written is beautiful and the images you have are spectacular. I really do love the piece as it is. But I feel as though a little deviation, maybe let him (it feels male, ne?) get distracted by wondering what someone is doing, or saying, or feeling.

Wouldn’t you, I mean? You hear the chink of the cash register, and wonder what was bought, or why, or how they feel standing on their feet, on you, for so long in the day. I’d like to see some of that. Mainly because I feel a little detached from it right now, I think something a little more would help with that.

I have no idea if I’ve made any sense. If I haven’t, or if you’ve more questions, or want me to look at this and attempt a better crit, just PM me, and I’ll do what I can. ^^

Much luck!

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.



I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights