One More Song

Leona Daniels bolted up in darkness, the alien shadows only adding to the fresh memory of her nightmare…
Crouching behind the couch, watching her husband be slaughtered…the maniac’s eyes meeting hers…
And she knew what happened next. She’d play it again in her mind…
Being cornered in the library, hands discovering a chandelier and throwing it…
But the candles had been lit and they had burned the killer’s body down to the bone. Although there was a trial, it had been determined that the killer’s family would pay her 500 thousand dollars and that she would not get parole, the jury determining it was self-defense.
So even though Leona’s late husband had been put to rest, why did she still have the nightmare?
The shadows were now familiar. She was sleeping in the renovated master bedroom, the French doors opposite her open and beckoning her into the night. She got out of bed and put on a robe, walking out on the balcony in the nightgown and the robe, staring out at the two thousand-acre property that media mogul Connor Daniels had owned. He’d been an Edgar Award-winning author, a Grammy-winning music producer, Oscar-winning movie director and actor. And he’d been Leona’s best friend.
Now with her career as a highly-acclaimed singer steadily ascending to legendary heights, she had no time to think about Connor.
Which was why, in the night, it always came. Two times a week.
And the only way she could tell anyone was through song lyrics.

***

At 8:30, the cleaning crew found Leona in the recording song, writing on her notepad. She looked up at Pasty Kanaka’s startled “oh!” and reassured the two ladies that it was fine.
“Is everyone else up?” Leona added. With the confirming nod, she smiled.
“Thanks. Ignore the studio for now.”
Leona waited until the ladies had left to move to the music. In ninety minutes, she’d created a dark, piano-driven dream-pop background on which to lay her vocals for the song she’d penned during the night, called Nightmare.
That was when Darren arrived. He was a little-known, but talented producer that Leona had had introduced to her husband when they’d been recording her last album—her third.
Darren listened to the music and approved both that and the lyrics. He gave the permission to continue.
Leona went in the studio and put on the headphones. The piano started, an eerie, electronic vibe made possible by incorporating the tiniest bit of symphonic rock similar to Within Temptation did on “Memories.”
She closed her eyes and begun to sing.

deafwriter_19 wrote:Leona Daniels bolted up in darkness, the alien shadows only adding to the fresh memory of her nightmare…

Good first line, it really draws people in
However, the first little bit didn't read super well though. Maybe say something like "...bolted upright in complete darkness." I don't know. What you have isn't bad by any means but maybe just phrase it a little different to make it flow a little better.


Overall, I liked this. There weren't any major spelling or grammar errors that I saw which is good. I like the description you have of the dream she had.
However, I don't really feel to connected to your characters. I feel no connection with Leona at all nor do I feel any connection with her husband.
If you continue this try to build on your characters a little more and make them seem more real.
Nice job overall though

-Carly

Crouching behind the couch, watching her husband be slaughtered…the maniac’s eyes meeting hers…

Be should be 'being', since these lines are in present tense.

that she would not get parole, the jury determining it was self-defense.

'Not getting parole' means she would have to serve her full sentence, without getting out early for good behavior. Do you mean she had the charges against her dropped?

This interested me. Is it a stand alone short story? Or part of a larger piece? If the latter then be sure to PM me when you write more. If not, it works just fine as a short story.
I like the idea. Maybe add a little more description, the ideas are great, but it would be nice to be able to picture the scenes better. Maybe have her walk through the house as she remembers what happened, so we get an idea of where the attack happened?

Or describe how she feels now. Emotion was rather lacking, and while the event is tragic, I didn't really feel for her. Did the dream make her sad? Angry? Afraid? I believe that a bit more emotion will dramatically improve the effectiveness of the story.

And to get a fire that would kill a person, other things would be damaged too, furniture, the house, whatever- because face it, we are not the most flammable substance in the world, which is why 'stop drop and roll' works.

But overall, this is a nice little story you've written here. Very little grammar and spelling mistakes, which is great. Means I could concentrate on the story rather then minor mistakes ^^
Very well done.

-Nutty

This is a really interesting start of a story, already there is a sense if disequilibrium, which she is trying to restore, but already we know that she is going to achieve that easily.

I already like the character, she seems complicated and I like characters that need to unravel. It will be really interesting to see where you take this I look forward to reading more

Meevs
x

deafwriter_19 wrote:Leona Daniels bolted up in darkness, the alien shadows only adding to the fresh memory of her nightmare…
Crouching behind the couch, watching her husband be slaughtered…the maniac’s eyes meeting hers…
And she knew what happened next. She’d play it again in her mind…
Being cornered in the library, hands discovering a chandelier and throwing it… How can she throw a chandelier...?? I would try to describe that more.
But the candles had been lit and they had burned the killer’s body down to the bone. Although there was a trial, it had been determined that the killer’s family would pay her 500 thousand dollars and that she would not get parole, the jury determining it was self-defense.So she was put in jail..??
So even though Leona’s late husband had been put to rest, why did she still have the nightmare?
The shadows were now familiar. She was sleeping in the renovated master bedroom, the French doors opposite her open and beckoning her into the night. She got out of bed and put on a robe, walking out on the balcony in the nightgown and the robe, staring out at the two thousand-acre property that media mogul Connor Daniels had owned. He’d been an Edgar Award-winning author, a Grammy-winning music producer, Oscar-winning movie director and actor. And he’d been Leona’s best friend.
Now with her career as a highly-acclaimed singer steadily ascending to legendary heights, she had no time to think about Connor.
Which was why, in the night, it always came. Two times a week.
And the only way she could tell anyone was through song lyrics.
This was a good start but I feel like you could put more of her thoughts into this. I feel like you just skimmed over it without really going into detail. Try to be more specific and stuff.
***

At 8:30, the cleaning crew found Leona in the recording song, writing on her notepad. She looked up at Pasty Kanaka’s startled “oh!” and reassured the two ladies that it was fine.
“Is everyone else up?” Leona added. With the confirming nod, she smiled.
“Thanks. Ignore the studio for now.”
Leona waited until the ladies had left to move to the music. In ninety minutes, she’d created a dark, piano-driven dream-pop background on which to lay her vocals for the song she’d penned during the night, called Nightmare.
That was when Darren arrived. He was a little-known, but talented producer that Leona had had introduced to her husband when they’d been recording her last album—her third.
Darren listened to the music and approved both that and the lyrics. He gave the permission to continue.
Leona went in the studio and put on the headphones. The piano started, an eerie, electronic vibe made possible by incorporating the tiniest bit of symphonic rock similar to Within Temptation did on “Memories.”
She closed her eyes and begun to sing.

All right, I found that you did a good start with this but I still think you are missing something. Something just isn't piecing together here. Really try to get the point across and be specific.

Sorry if this is confusing but I would like to read more. PM me when you post the second chapter.

I think its very good. It has potential for sure. I look forward to reading the rest of this story. From what it says above Nightmare seems like an autobiographical song for Leona. I'm not a Within Temptation fan nor do I know who they are but I'll look that song up so I can get a better visual in my head.

deafwriter_19 wrote:Leona Daniels bolted up in darkness, the alien shadows only adding to the fresh memory of her nightmare…
Crouching behind the couch, watching her husband be slaughtered…the maniac’s eyes meeting hers…
And she knew what happened next. She’d play it again in her mind…
Being cornered in the library, hands discovering a chandelier and throwing it…

This first bit is rocky and hard to read. The opening line "Leona Daniels . . ." etc. really draws you in, though I wouldn't put her last name as the second word. I think you ought to wait a few paragraphs until you put that. If you start with "Leona bolted up in darkness . . ." etc. it sounds a tad more personal. I'd also add something about a gasp of a gripping of fear at the wicked scary memories. And describe the chandelier thing. Is it a chandelier or a crystal lamp? Cause a lamp might be easier to reach.

I like the mystery, and I want to know what happens, so I'll be watching for Chapter Two!

Keep it up! Hope I wasn't too harsh or anything.