The Mask Maker [2]

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II

I lived with my grandfather most of my life. He told me that my parents had a big fight, and they ‘accidentally’ both were stabbed with a knife. I never questioned him. My parents were both liars, as far as I can remember. I was ten when I moved in with my grandfather. He was a liar too.

I guess that’s why I killed him. I was twenty years old. He was bound to die anyway. He was in his upper eighties with arthritis in his hands and left foot. He was completely blind and as poor as a beggar.

Just like my parents had done, I ‘accidentally’ slipped a knife through his throat. There was a certain rush that I received when I dug through it. I could feel the knife slicing vocal cords. I savored the blood upon my hands. It tasted sweet. It was my first kill. I wasn’t as skilled as the Mask Maker was, though. He knew how to cleverly cut the skin to the right size and bleach it to the exact tone of color he desired.

I keep bring up the Mask Maker, but I’ve not told you who he is. I’m sorry.

I first heard of him from Lucy Phillips, the bartender’s daughter, down in the pub in the city. She works with her father. I’m a usual there. I rarely drink, though. Usually, I sit and wink at Lucy. Sometimes she’d come and sit with me when it was her break.

“Hello,” she said as she sat across the table from me.

I grinned and nodded. “How are you?”

“Ugh. Burning. It’s hot in here,” she complained, fanning herself with her slender hand. I laughed and agreed.

“What’ve you been up to, Mr. Wells?” she asked, glancing into my eyes.

“I told you to call me Joseph, ma’am,” I said, sipping a mug of cold water.

“And I told you to call me Lucy.”

We sat in an awkward silence for a few, long, miserable moments.

“Have you heard about the killings around town? It’s quite frightening, actually,” she spoke in a hushed tone.

“Killings?” I asked. “What killings?”

“They don’t know his real name, but everyone calls him the Mask Maker,” Lucy said, fanning herself. “Have you heard of him before?”

“No. I’ve been out of town on—” I thought for a moment. “Business.”

If killing your grandfather constitutes as business.

“Well, some older folks around here have been disappearing,” Lucy said. “Later, though, their bodies are found. And what else – their faces are gone!”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“The faces are sliced off. There’s no skin left on ‘em! As I’ve said, it’s quite frightening.”
“Why would someone shave someone’s face off?” I asked, puzzled.

“There’s a reason he’s called the Mask Maker, Mr. Wells. He makes masks out of the skins and wears ‘em! That way no one knows who he really is! Quite clever, but quite frightening.”

“How grotesque,” I muttered. “Who all has been killed?”

“You know the grave digger? Ah, I forget his name. Isn’t it Forggin or something? Roger Forggin?”

I shrugged and said I didn’t know who that was.

“Well, he was the first one. He showed up days later in one of his graves he dug, his face covered with blood. Dead as a doornail.”

“Anyone else I might know?” I asked, too much involved the story to notice anything else.

“Uh, Father Ross? You know, the Catholic priest? He was found in his church, crucified, like Jesus himself! His face was all cut apart and such, but still.”

Father Ross had been my priest ever since I could remember. When I began to mature and take on a mind of my own, I left the Catholic church, due to lies it was teaching.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, not sorry at all.

“Yeah. It was quite a shocker to his wife. Ah, I’m so horrible with names.”

“Emily Ross,” I reminded her. Her face lit up.

“Yeah. That’s the one.”

“Well, Miss Lucy, I have to get—” I caught myself just in time. I was about to say ‘I have to get home’, but if I did, Lucy would know I was going home to find my dead grandfather. And I had no intention of reporting him dead. That would only bring police and accusations. Maybe even prison time.

Or the electric chair.

“I have to get to the supermarket, and then I’m off on another business trip. I’ll see you around, Miss Lucy.” I was glad that I pulled it off believably.

“Oh, of course. Sorry to keep you so long,” she muttered, and stood up, wiping the table with her apron that was tied around her.

“Ah, before I go, Miss Lucy, do you know where I might find this Mask Maker man?”

“Why on earth would you want to find him?” Lucy shrieked. I blinked and took a step back.

“For no reason. Well… to avoid him, I expect.”

“If I knew where he was, Mr. Wells, I would’ve reported him to the police and had him arrested!” She turned her back on me and returned the bar, where she served a man a glass of liquor.
I nodded to her, but she didn’t motion back.

I stepped out of the door with every intention of finding this Mask Maker.
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Well, hi Jared! I can only hope I will be as helpful to you as you were to me.

So, now we get a little more into Joseph's mind. I can see that he has some bad blood in him that helps to make him into what he is. The description of him killing his grandfather was very well done (sounds so creepy to say that, ha ha).

Lucy also seems to be a very real character. You can identify with her and she acts human.

One question, how do people know he wears the faces of his victims? All they know is that he takes their faces, they don't know for sure what he does with them. Or do they? If so, you need to show us.

Anyways, this is progressing very well. Keep me posted.
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oh, I knew it a flashback. Such heartless people.

Okay now to the critiique.

I think I found one typo somewhere at the beginning of the story. I can't remember where, but I am sure youre clever enough to find it. Other than that I didn't see any other grammar or punctuation mistakes.

Your charcters. Well, we know he is definately a heartless murderer. Hmmm. the Mask Man, what a gruesome way to die... ick.

Well, I didn't see any major mistakes.

Great job, good luck, and keep writing.

Please PM me when you get out the next segment.
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Quick quick quick! I have to get this done before The X Factor starts....very excited! Lol!

I have fifteen mins for this review so hope I do it justice...if not I promise to come back ok?

He was in his upper eighties with arthritis in his hands and left foot.


Instead of "upper eighties" I would say "late eighties" but maybe this is a British thing...not so sure

I could feel the knife slicing vocal cords. I savored the blood upon my hands. It tasted sweet. It was my first kill. I wasn’t as skilled as the Mask Maker was, though.


Three sentences in a row here that start wih "I"...gets repetitive..try and change at least one of them...

I’m a usual there.


I'd say regular" rather than "usual" but again, that may be a British thing...

Not keen on the dialogue I have to say...there's just too much of it...try and add some description of how the characters react to each other and whatever...will make it loads better but I still like it, however sick its getting!
Olivia
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Thanks for messaging me about this second part, just sorry it has taken me couple of days to get round to it!

Anyway, down to the review:

I like that this shows a bit of history to begin with about his family, you didnt give us so much that it was boring or just pointless, just enough to understand that what kind of background the character has had.

I keep bring up the Mask Maker, but I’ve not told you who he is. I’m sorry.

-I don't really think this line is needed, I thought it drew back about from the story, I think that jkust following on form the other paragraph to the next without this would work fine.

Im a little confused as to the time span this story is set in, I thought at the beginning it was set quite a little waty back, and from the beginning of this part I got that impression aswell, but then he said he was going to a supermarket and it confused me a little. Maybe give a little more indication of what sort of time this is set in?

Anyway, I look forward to the next installment! Please PM again that would be great :D

Meevs
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I absolutely loved the first part, and only didn't comment because that's really all I had to say about it other than the descriptions were wonderful and realistic.

The second part was also really good, and I liked the characters, but I found a couple things in this one.

I lived with my grandfather most of my life. He told me that my parents had a big fight, and they ‘accidentally’ both were stabbed with a knife. I never questioned him. My parents were both liars, as far as I can remember. I was ten when I moved in with my grandfather. He was a liar too.
I don't know why, but this paragraph almost seemed childish to me. It does show that he's not really right in the head, but it just seemed odd the way it waa worded, maybe.

I guess that’s why I killed him.
Why? Is that just going to show up later? (That was more of me just wondering out loud than an actualy critique. sorry. lol.)

I keep bring up the Mask Maker, but I’ve not told you who he is. I’m sorry.
Do you mean bringing?

We sat in an awkward silence for a few, long, miserable moments.
Why was it awkward? I thought he came just to wink and talk to her, so wouldn't he be happy she wanted him to call her by her first name?

As I’ve said, it’s quite frightening.”
That doesn't sound like something someone would naturally say at a bar. It's a little too formal sounding.

Ah, I forget his name. Isn’t it Forggin or something? Roger Forggin?”


I shrugged and said I didn’t know who that was.
I like the dialogue here. It's realistic, and natural.

“Anyone else I might know?” I asked, too much involved the story to notice anything else.
Unless it was important that he wasn't noticing anyhting else, I don't think you have to mention it. It isn't really needed.

When I began to mature and take on a mind of my own, I left the Catholic church, due to lies it was teaching.
I'm seeing a theme with the liars. Interesting.

Ok, those are the only things I found, but I'm really interested in what's gonna happen next!! PM me when it's posted.

p.s. Was the mask maker in the bar, and then he'll meet him outside or something?? I wanna knoww! lol.
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