new

hi everybody!
well, i'm new here...^_^
so, i'm from israel (jerusalem) and i've started to write an year ago, both in hebrew and english...most of my friends told me that my songs are reakky good so i shoukd publish them somwhere. so here i am

emm...ok
these are my two last poems i've written.
hope u wuld like them :]]

The light

The Heaven's gates are open
You step up, looking at the light.
It feels like no one knows
What goes and comes around…

Your life seems to be perfect,
You have no regrets in your heart.
It's been a long road till you came here
And sometimes it was very hard.

You remember the tears when you struggled
To convince everyone there's a hope,
And the pride that you felt when you made it –
You didn't give up when you lost…

Though you're happy you're here, you feel sadness
For the people who don't know what life is…
Then you smile at yourself: "they will get it,
Sooner or later, they'll see..."


and another one...


The emptiness around

I don't want you to be sorry
For what I've done,
And it's not your fault
Who I've become.

I've changed,
Like everybody else in here.
A single tear falls down,
A single tear…

The rain is pouring,
Merging with your cry,
Washing away the hurt,
The blame you bear inside

You're free now…
And while you're groping in the dark,
You help me fill the emptiness
That no one sees around…


that's it for today,
emm...i would like to hear an honest comments, so if u disliked my poems, please, tell me :] and also i would like to hear any advices about writing etc.
wish to all of u shabat shalom XD

They were interesting poems and I liked them an ickle bit.

There was just something about them though that I wasn't overly keen on.

Then, there's also the fact I was kind of unsure exactly what was being talked about, especially in the first one. It was a bit confusing for me.

Aside from that, good job.

Also, sorry if I sounded a bit harsh and mean.

Hey..thanks for the review...and how come two of your poems in one post itself? Just asking!

About the poems they were really good...I mean the feel behind them...it really sounds like you wrote them from your heart and that's what counts..

A few suggestions and questions..

About-The light

Is the person still alive? Because if he isn't then you might have to use something like-your life seems to have been perfect or something in the past tense.

Though you're happy you're here, you feel sadness

For the people who don't know what life is…

I'd suggest you to make it some thing like
Though you're happy you're here, you feel sadness.
Sadness for the people who don't know what life is.

Just something I thought would make the flow better and also state positively what you are trying to say.

The emptiness around

The first three stanzas AWE-some! But the last one seems a bit out of phase with the others...it is nice,but I think you can make it much better!

That's all.I hope the review helped! Shabat Shalom to you too(whatever it means!)

tnx you :]

well, "the light" wasn't written for somebody XD
actually, it was written in bible class (don't ask me, i have no idea why i even wrote it so hh)

tnx a lot for the corrections :] i'll think about it

shabat shalom is something like "have a nice weekened" or something like that XD

have a nice week : ]]

I liked the message in the first poem it was absolutely powerful and beautiful.

I preferred the rhyming and flow of the second one.

For some reason I really prefer shorter straight-to-the-point poems


But your work is fantastic and you should keep it up!
You can rhyme in hebrew too? That is excellent

KEEP IT UP

tnx : ]]

well, i'm writnig in hebrew too, but i don't really like it because comparing to my english poems, they are shallow and superficial so hh

I liked them both to a point.
The message was good in the 1st one and the flow and rhyming was good in the 2nd one.
great Job!