Sleep

Sleep
Comes when I shut my eyes
I go to a place where I might fly
Where I almost never cry
A place I could meet that one guy
Somewhere no one lies
Or dies.

Sleep
Comes when I shut my eyes
And escapes from me a contented sigh
Somewhere I'm not shy
I can be myself
A place that I can tie
Fantasy and life together
Forever.

I think that this is a wonderfull poem. There arn't many mistakes but I'll point out the ones that I see.



Sleep

Comes when I shut my eyes ( Mabey you could leave out 'Come' it would make the poem flow better)

I go to a place where I might fly

Where I almost never cry

A place I could meet that one guy

Somewhere no one lies

Or dies.



Sleep

Comes when I shut my eyes ( Same as the first verse)

And escapes from me a contented sigh

Somewhere I'm not shy

I can be myself

A place that I can tie

fantasy and life together

forever.


As I said, I cant see many faults and the ones that I see, are just my personal opinion. That was a great Poem, by the way.

Thanks for the crit:)

Yet again, a good poem. I liked it better than your other one. Probably because I could kind of slightly relate to it.

It seemed rather personal to me. Please don't ask me why because I have absolutly no chance of being able to explain.

Great job.

Remeber to keep on writing!

Thanks, which other one? Oh that one. yeah... Agian thanks bunches. Its nice to hear such positive feedback.

I likey!

I can relate to this so much. I like how you described sleep; though sometimes, it isn't really that peaceful for everyone.

Remember to add punctuation so the flow gets better. And I suggest changing the second line in the second stanza... just it could be a little less repetitive.

Can't wait to see more of you!

~LIF

Thanks for the critiques everyone. They really help. By the way Livinginfantasy I love your siggy.

hi! this one is in need of some punctuation! and i don't know, but it almost seems that you just wrote some words down on this one. it didn't really have any feeling in this one, though you could probably get some if you just think on it some more.(srry if that is a little confusing) once again keep writing!

Not much to say since it's a shallow, short poem. But, it was a sweet poem.

GRAMMAR! Don't forget it!

-Adrian

AHHHH, Someone help me. Ya'll say I am in need in grammar. Show me how to do it!!! Poetry isn't something I study. I need help so when you say grammar and punctuation show me where and why. Thanks!

Sleep
comes when I shut my eyes.
I go to a place where I might fly--
where I almost never cry.
A place I could meet that one guy--
Somewhere no one lies
or dies.

Sleep
comes when I shut my eyes
and escapes from me a contented sigh.
Somewhere I'm not shy,
I can be myself.
A place that I can tie
fantasy and life together
forever.

<There is an editing version with proper grammar, or at least some proper grammar.>

i actually thought this one was pretty good, and i can appreciate the sentiment behind it. i agree that punctuation is needed. adrian's alternative was pretty good. keep up the work like this, and you'll keep me happy, at least.
-zalarus

I go to a place where I might fly

"Might fly?" Why might? When you sleep and dream you can do almost anything, so I do not see why this "might" is here. Write "could" or "will" -- they're more positive, which seems like one of the themes of this poem.

A place I could meet that one guy

Omit "one," because when I read it out loud this line made the poem seem jumbled and confusing.

Sleep

Comes when I shut my eyes

I like your repetition.

Somewhere I'm not shy

I can be myself

Try "and I can be myself;" it flows a little better.

Somewhere where I'm not shy. You're sentence makes sense, but this one keeps the rhythm.

A place that I can tie

"A place where I can be myself."

Forever.

This last word makes quite an impact, but do make sure it makes a bit of sense. You see, you aren't sleeping forever, unless you're dead, which the last line of your first verse may be foreshadowing =]

GRAMMAR AND FLOW

Oh, your grammar was flawless, no doubt. But you do have to work on your rhythm. If you read a poem out loud and you have to speed up a sentence so it sounds satisfactory (or slow a sentence), then you have to add or subtract a couple of words. You're rhyming also, was a little confusing, because at times you rhymed and at times it seemed that you were too lazy to think of one. Like the second verse, where you write "I can be myself." Nothing there rhymes "myself," and that confused me; the rhyme scheme of the poem is that every line ends is "ai," and it just broke off there.

OVERALL

Honestly, it was a nice poem. I don't like how you used the cliche words for dreaming though, like "fly." That doesn't mean that the overall poem was cliche, though! And also, it seems like you were trying to force words to fit your rhyme scheme, like your line "where I can meet that one guy." It just seemed almost random to me - although it makes sense, does it not seem a bit forced to you? You're talking about freedom and flying and then your like, "and maybe some hot dudes'll be there too..." XD You didn't say exactly that, but you understand what I'm saying =]

The only thing that really perturbed me was the flow, but I already spoke to you on that. So really, there is nothing left for me to say. Keep writing, you're fabulous at it!

~*Sara*~

Kaylyn wrote:Sleep
Comes when I shut my eyes
I go to a place where I might fly
Where I almost never cry
A place I could meet that one guy
Somewhere no one lies
Or dies.

the idea is passable but the presentation is terrible. the fact that you rhymed every last line ruined the entire format and the style of the poem. it sounds like something a 4-year-old would mumble rather than an art piece from someone experienced with the content. also, the first line is very basic, we already know that sleep comes when you shut your eyes. fill in that gap with something more meaningful.

Sleep
Comes when I shut my eyes
And escapes from me a contented sigh
Somewhere I'm not shy
I can be myself
A place that I can tie
Fantasy and life together
Forever.

again, the rhymes are the enemy of your poetry. "I can be myself" is morbidly cliched. dont use it, it'll destroy the credibility of your poem. last lines are good, i like how you seperated "forever" with the rest of the poem.

Galerius:

last lines are good, i like how you seperated "forever" with the rest of the poem.

*gasps* Was that actually a complement? *Looks outside* THE WORLDS COMING TO AN END! lol.

Sara:
Thanks for the review. It really helps.