Jail bird- Ch 1: wrong footing>fix it

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2374
Reviews 118
Okay. I'm not sure if this is in the right place so yeah....

__

Her eyes opened a crack as she heard the familiar scraping of the food door as it was slid out of place. The sound came from next door. Breakfast.
She sat up, rubbing her sleepy eyes. “Sam, you better be up today,” Came a man’s voice, rough and hard as it came to her ears.
“I’m up, John.” She pulled herself to her feet and walked to the metal door. “What’s for today’s menu?” She asked as she put her hands around the bars of the window in the door.
“Oatmeal.” She stuck her tongue out with disgust. “With cinnamon and brown sugar.” Her stomach grumbled. John gave a small chuckle as he stepped in front of the door blocking any light that had shone on her face. “Hungry?” He asked with a grin, covered by a prickly beard.
“Yes.”
“Then move your foot. It's in the way.” Sam glanced down. One of his big fingers poked at her bare feet. She stepped back, releasing the bars. “Good girl.” With another scrap the metal plate slid across the floor to her and she picked it up.
“Thank you. Oh! Tell Tom he needs to get his act together. He’s been in and out of this place almost as many times as I have. He doesn’t need it on his file.”
“Tom looks up to you, Sam. He said he’s looking to beat your record.” With that John, the man with all the meals was gone. Sam gave a smile. Tom would never be able to get in here as man times as she could and had. She slumped against the wall as she ate. She sat there for a time and waited for the familiar nock.
“Sam? You decent?” The man in uniform didn’t bother to wait for an answer. He unlocked the door and walked in. He looked about. There in a far corner her body rose and fell to her steady breathing. Her light brown hair looked tangled as it lay about her head. “Sam,” He said once more, shaking her gently. She gave a light grunt in egnolagement and she sat up.
“Hm?” She said as she rubbed at her closed eyes. She always seamed to be asleep when someone came by her cell. This place is where she’d catch up on her missing sleep.
“You’re out. Ward said he’ll see you next time.” He handed Sam a brush and she took it.
“That so? I thought I had another day to go,” She mussed. She tugged the brush through her hair to get the tangles out. “I guess I’ll return to my assigned quarters when you march me back in.” She gave a smile. The cell was hers. Every one of the staff at the jail knew she was the one to use it always. It held her positions since the out side world destroyed them or took them from her.
“Don’t make it too quick, Miss Jaine. You may be a lady in our books but to the outside you’re a no-good.”
“I understand, Mr. Brown. I’ll try but I don’t make any promises. I saw that in just a bit I’ll be… sixteen. Not a great day in my books at all.” She gave a face of annoyance as Mr. Brown led her out the metal door. She heard a few whistles and ignored them.
“I understand, Miss. The day your mother and father were going to marry you off at if you hadn’t gone and run away.” The man gave a nod.
“I have a feeling it’s going to get worse as I get into these years,” She said with disgust a she gestured to the boys and men alike as most whistled in turn.
“You know. I heard just this morning one of the royalty was caught breaking one of the major laws. They say he’s not going to be put to death though. Just taught a lesson."
“That so? Then teach him well.” And with a wave she stepped out into the bright sunlight and into the crowds of people.
“Good-bye, Sam,” The man said more to himself than anything. She was shaping out to be a good looking woman. At that something might happen to her. Then his thought ran to the fact that she had beaten a thirteen year old to a pulp when she had been eight. She was a violent girl but she was still quite a good one. Her face masked the fact that she was still quite innocent under her dark, almost black eyes.
Brown’s thoughts jumped to the royal young lad that was waiting for him in the ward’s office. With a quick smile to a pretty lady, which he got back he turned to march back into the dark prison.
***
The lad was finely dress and spared no expense. Skinny for a rich boy, he stood when the officer entered. “Sir,” He addressed him. The man’s smiling face darkened a hair and nodded to him, turning on heel to talk with the ward.
“Which cell do I take him?” Brown asked the man behind the desk.
“Number seventy-two,” The man answered shortly.
“But Sir, That’s-” He turned slightly to look back at the boy and then leaned down to speak in the man’s ear. “That’s Sam’s cell. She’ll be pissed, Sir.”
“I don’t care, Brown. Sam will have to get over it. The boy needs a place and that’s the only one open at the moment. When Sam gets back we’ll look for another accommodation. Until then take the boy to seventy-two,” The man ordered to him. Brown straightened and nodded once before showing the boy to the door.
“Excuse me. Who is Sam?” The boy asked.
Brown turned and gave a shake of his head. “You’ll find out soon enough, Boy.”
“My name’s James,” The boy stated. Brown turned to look at him for a second.
“Around here we only show one prisoner respect and that’s Sam.” The boy followed mutely and wondered who the amazing prisoner was. If even royalty wasn’t getting respected compared to some lowlife he wanted to know who it was. He figured this Sam was some crazy man who loved to kill or something along those lines. “Seventy-two. Step in, Boy.” He did as said and marveled at the fact that this prisoner had belongings in his cell but they seamed to be girl things. Maybe Sam had a wife. A small wife. James picked up one of the dresses that lay about and found it quite slim. If only he could get his hands on a small petit girl that size.
He brushed the thought aside and sat on the floor with a light thud. There was no windows in this cell. Was Sam a vampire? He chuckled. Such a stupid thought. Those were legends they were just now making up. It was silly how things like people stickling dog teeth in their mouth could be classified as vampire. And in his musing James fell asleep.
“Such a stupid boy,” Brown mumbled to himself as he looked in on the slumbering figure. “Sam’s going to be mad,” He told himself as an afterthought. “Very mad.”
***
“Catch her!” The fat man cried. He held up a lettuce leaf and shock it in the air. “Thief!” At that many of the people in the street moved aside as she ran down all too quickly.
Sam took too sharp of a turn and skidded as she tried to turn a corner but tried to fix her mistake. She ran down the alley and out the other side to be hit gut first by something hard and warm. She doubled over with a groan as the huge soldier hoisted her over his shoulder and took her back the other way, towards the jail. Home. “That hurt, Sid. I’m going to have a bruise,” Sam finally got out to him.
“Sam, you need to get your act together. If not my son’s going to become a delinquent. Tom keeps getting in too much trouble. Some of the guards have tried to beet some sense into him but it hasn’t worked. You’re the only one that can right him. Help me, Sam. A guard does not need a delinquent son.” The man, Sid sat her on her unsteady feet and pushed the door open for her to go first. She saw Brown just down the hallway turn white at her sight.
“Hey, Brown. I kind of decided to join you early,” Sam called with a laugh. She heard aproval from one cell. She approached it. Who else would it be but Tom, the blue eyed boy. “Hey, Tom. Still trailing after me?” She asked him with a smile. His face broke into a grin and he nodded his head, his blonde, shagy hair flying.
“I’m intent on beating you fair and square.” His eyes gleamed.
“Brown, open the door will ya?” She asked, breaking into seriousness. Tom’s smile fell. He was only a year behind her and was catching up fast but he would be put out to most homes by now. Luckly Sid was a nice, generous man. “Tom.” Sam fell to her knees as she took his shoulders and looked him in the eye. “Please. Do me one favor.”
“Anything, Sam.”
“Stop breaking the laws.” His face fell once more and his eyes hardened slightly.
“No.”
“Please. You have a home to go back to. A wonderful home. One with family that still love you. Go back while you can.”
“What about you, Sam?” He asked as he looked with question back to her.
“I lost my true home many years ago. This has been my home since and I don’t think I could bare to change it but I promise if you stay out of jail I’ll come visit you on my out days.”
“Fine. I except your trade, Sam.” With a hug she pulled away from the boy.
“Three more nights, Tom and we’ll let you go with your father.” Tom nodded and gave a smile as the door was shut once more.
Last edited by myfreindsavamp on Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:25 am, edited 3 times in total.
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 566
OK this is probably going to realllly annoy you but I used to staudy law and I know this is a story and is going to lean towards the fantasy side (Given the section it is in?) and from what I read more of the past? but if somone kept committing crimes then it wouldnt be a simple little spell in prison they would have to spend a LOT of time there and woudlnt just be let out with a small smack on the wrist, even though it is fiction it also needs to be believable.


It in the way.”

-It's


With that John, the man with all the meals was gone

This part sounded a bit awkward.

here as man times as she could

-many

I think if you develop this some more it definatly has potential! PM me when you post some more m'kay?

Sorry about my little law rant you dont have to apply it at all but I just cant help myself that law course has ruined my mind! *cries*

Meevs
xx
Bag.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2374
Reviews 118
*nods* I understand. And today I took this to school and found some errors. I shall go and edit now. :P
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2374
Reviews 118
I oficialy say that if I don't get anymore reviews on this I'll have to close up shop on this one.
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1117
Reviews 80
I agree with miyaviloves about the legal part of it, but what I see most are your mistakes with quotations.

This is what you do,

"The dog jumped over the cat," He said.

You don't capitalise "He." The entire thing is one sentence. The quote isn't separate from it.

Also, I'm seeing a lot of,

"The dog jumped over the cat." He said.

With a period. The period should be a comma, and the "He" should be lower-cased.

It's like... everywhere in it. Lol. Just try to focus on fixing those. A lot of people look over it, but my OCD picks it out as I read. :P




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4601
Reviews 141
Hey myfreindsavamp, you posted in the 'Post your work here' Topic so i though of Critting it.


Her eyes opened a crack as she heard the familiar scraping of the food door as it was slid out of place. The sound came from next door. Breakfast.


Hy wait a sec what do you mean by a 'food door'?

She slumped against the wall as she ate. She sat there for a time and waited for the familiar nock.


Umm i think the word should be 'knock'.

She gave a light grunt in egnolagement and she sat up.


Is that encouragement, discouragement, enlargement or acknowledgment ??

“I understand, Mr. Brown. I’ll try, but I don’t make any promises.



“Brown, open the door will ya?” She asked, breaking into seriousness. Tom’s smile fell.


The Suspense is killing me :Yay:




Well that all i can find. I hope the crit is good. And now for the rest

The story is good, but i didn't get a clear description on the time and the setting in which the story is in. Try filling those in this chapter or the rest.

Its almost 12 midnight now so i have to go to sleep after i read the second chapter.

Also the fact that this character 'Sam' is being treated with respect in jail is a little unbelievable, the lest you could do is explain why that is. I can guess why but some readers will not be able to do so. So any way bye for now :wink: :wink:
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1075
Reviews 842
Sorry vamp that it took me so long to get to this. But here I am and I'm ready to review! :wink:

Hopefully this helps!

myfreindsavamp wrote:Her eyes opened a crack as she heard the familiar scraping of the food door as it was slid out of place. The sound came from next door. Breakfast. I would "Breakfast" in italics since it's her thoughts.
She sat up, rubbing her sleepy eyes. “Sam, you better be up today,” [s]Came[/s] small "c" on "came" when in dialogue like so: came a man’s voice, rough and hard as it [s]came[/s] traveled to her ears.
“I’m up, John.” She pulled herself to her feet and walked to the metal door. “What’s [s]for[/s] on today’s menu?” [s]She[/s] lowercase "s" on "she" asked as she put her hands around the bars of the window in the door.
“Oatmeal.” She stuck her tongue out with disgust. “With cinnamon and brown sugar.” Her stomach grumbled. John gave a small chuckle as he stepped in front of the door blocking any light that had shone on her face. “Hungry?” [s]He[/s] lowercase "h" on "he" asked with a grin, covered by a prickly beard.
“Yes.”
“Then move your foot. It's in the way.” Sam glanced down. One of his big fingers poked at her bare feet. She stepped back, releasing the bars. “Good girl.” With another scrap the metal plate slid across the floor to her and she picked it up.
“Thank you. Oh! Tell Tom he needs to get his act together. He’s been in and out of this place almost as many times as I have. He doesn’t need it on his file.” This sentence confuses me... I'm not really sure what they are talking about. Be sure to explain this in greater length sometime in the furture.
“Tom looks up to you, Sam. He said he’s looking to beat your record.” With that John, the man with all the meals comma was gone. Sam gave a smile. Tom would never be able to get in here as man times as she could and had. She slumped against the wall as she ate. She sat there for a time and waited for the familiar [s]nock[/s] [knock[/b]. Okay, you are doing a lot of telling in this paragraph. Try to show more, like how the oatmeal tastes or what the floor feels like. Is it cold? Hard? Stuff like that.
“Sam? You decent?” The man in uniform didn’t bother to wait for an answer. He unlocked the door and walked in. He looked about. There in a far corner her body rose and fell to her steady breathing. Her light brown hair looked tangled as it lay about her head. “Sam,” [s]He[/s] lowercase "h" on "he" said once more, shaking her gently. She gave a light grunt in egnolagement and she sat up. I thought she was eating... how can she be asleep?
“Hm?” [s]She[/s] lowercase "s" on "she" said as she rubbed at her closed eyes. She always seamed to be asleep when someone came by her cell. This place is where she’d catch up on her missing sleep. Explain more on what you are talking about here.
“You’re out. Ward said he’ll see you next time.” He handed Sam a brush and she took it.
“That so? I thought I had another day to go,” [s]She[/s] lowercase "s" on "she" mussed. She tugged the brush through her hair to get the tangles out. “I guess I’ll return to my assigned quarters when you march me back in.” She gave a smile. The cell was hers. Every one of the staff at the jail knew she was the one to use it always. It held her positions since the out side world destroyed them or took them from her.
“Don’t make it too quick, Miss Jaine. You may be a lady in our books but to the outside you’re a no-good.”
“I understand, Mr. Brown. I’ll try but I don’t make any promises. I saw that in just a bit I’ll be… sixteen. Not a great day in my books at all.” She gave a face of annoyance as Mr. Brown led her out the metal door. She heard a few whistles and ignored them.
“I understand, Miss. The day your mother and father were going to marry you off at if you hadn’t gone and run away.” The man gave a nod.
“I have a feeling it’s going to get worse as I get into these years,” [s]She[/s] lowercase "s" on "she" said with disgust a she gestured to the boys and men alike as most whistled in turn.
“You know. I heard just this morning one of the royalty was caught breaking one of the major laws. They say he’s not going to be put to death though. Just taught a lesson." I'm guessing this is set in the past, where arranged marriages were popular...? Unless you are creating this world on your own...? I would be more clear on what you mean.
“That so? Then teach him well.” And with a wave she stepped out into the bright sunlight and into the crowds of people.
“Good-bye, Sam,” [s]The[/s] lowercase "t" on "the" man said more to himself than anything. She was shaping out to be a good looking woman. At that something might happen to her. Then his thought ran to the fact that she had beaten a thirteen year old to a pulp when she had been eight. She was a violent girl but she was still quite a good one. Her face masked the fact that she was still quite innocent under her dark, almost black eyes.
Brown’s thoughts jumped to the royal young lad that was waiting for him in the ward’s office. With a quick smile to a pretty lady, which he got back he turned to march back into the dark prison.
***
The lad was finely dress and spared no expense. Skinny for a rich boy, he stood when the officer entered. “Sir,” [s]He[/s] lowercase "h" on "he addressed him. The man’s smiling face darkened a hair and nodded to him, turning on heel to talk with the ward.
“Which cell do I take him?” Brown asked the man behind the desk.
“Number seventy-two,” The man answered shortly.
“But Sir, That’s-” He turned slightly to look back at the boy and then leaned down to speak in the man’s ear. “That’s Sam’s cell. She’ll be pissed, Sir.”
“I don’t care, Brown. Sam will have to get over it. The boy needs a place and that’s the only one open at the moment. When Sam gets back we’ll look for another accommodation. Until then take the boy to seventy-two,” The man ordered to him. Brown straightened and nodded once before showing the boy to the door.
“Excuse me. Who is Sam?” [s]The[/s] lowercase "t" on "the" boy asked.
Brown turned and gave a shake of his head. “You’ll find out soon enough, Boy.”
“My name’s James,” [s]The[/s] lowercase "t" on "the" boy stated. Brown turned to look at him for a second.
“Around here we only show one prisoner respect and that’s Sam.” The boy followed mutely and wondered who the amazing prisoner was. If even royalty wasn’t getting respected compared to some lowlife he wanted to know who it was. He figured this Sam was some crazy man who loved to kill or something along those lines. “Seventy-two. Step in, Boy.” He did as said and marveled at the fact that this prisoner had belongings in his cell but they seamed to be girl things. Maybe Sam had a wife. A small wife. James picked up one of the dresses that lay about and found it quite slim. If only he could get his hands on a small petit girl that size. What did this royal do? Make sure you include this in there sometime so the reader knows.
He brushed the thought aside and sat on the floor with a light thud. There was no windows in this cell. Was Sam a vampire? He chuckled. Such a stupid thought. Those were legends they were just now making up. It was silly how things like people stickling dog teeth in their mouth could be classified as vampire. And in his musing James fell asleep.
“Such a stupid boy,” Brown mumbled to himself as he looked in on the slumbering figure. “Sam’s going to be mad,” [s]He[/s] lowercase "h" on "he" told himself as an afterthought. “Very mad.”
***
“Catch her!” [s]The[/s] lowercase "t" on "the" fat man cried. He held up a lettuce leaf and shock it in the air. “Thief!” At that many of the people in the street moved aside as she ran down all too quickly.
Sam took too sharp of a turn and skidded as she tried to turn a corner but tried to fix her mistake. She ran down the alley and out the other side to be hit gut first by something hard and warm. She doubled over with a groan as the huge soldier hoisted her over his shoulder and took her back the other way, towards the jail. Home. “That hurt, Sid. I’m going to have a bruise,” Sam finally got out to him.
“Sam, you need to get your act together. If not my son’s going to become a delinquent. Tom keeps getting in too much trouble. Some of the guards have tried to [s]beet[/s] beat some sense into him but it hasn’t worked. You’re the only one that can right him. Help me, Sam. A guard does not need a delinquent son.” The man, Sid sat her on her unsteady feet and pushed the door open for her to go first. She saw Brown just down the hallway turn white at her sight.
“Hey, Brown. I kind of decided to join you early,” Sam called with a laugh. She heard aproval from one cell. She approached it. Who else would it be but Tom, the blue eyed boy. “Hey, Tom. Still trailing after me?” [s]She[/s] lowercase "s" on "she" asked him with a smile. His face broke into a grin and he nodded his head, his blonde, shagy hair flying.
“I’m intent on beating you fair and square.” His eyes gleamed.
“Brown, open the door will ya?” [s]She[/s] lowercase "s" on "she" asked, breaking into seriousness. Tom’s smile fell. He was only a year behind her and was catching up fast but he would be put out to most homes by now. Luckly Sid was a nice, generous man. “Tom.” Sam fell to her knees as she took his shoulders and looked him in the eye. “Please. Do me one favor.”
“Anything, Sam.”
“Stop breaking the laws.” His face fell once more and his eyes hardened slightly.
“No.”
“Please. You have a home to go back to. A wonderful home. One with family that still love you. Go back while you can.”
“What about you, Sam?” [s]He[/s] lowercase "h" on "he" asked as he looked with question back to her.
“I lost my true home many years ago. This has been my home since and I don’t think I could bare to change it but I promise if you stay out of jail I’ll come visit you on my out days.”
“Fine. I except your trade, Sam.” With a hug she pulled away from the boy.
“Three more nights, Tom and we’ll let you go with your father.” Tom nodded and gave a smile as the door was shut once more.


All right, I found this to be pretty good. The characters really stand out to me. The have real emotions and you do well with them.

My only concern is the actually setting of this. Is it in the past, or is this a world of your own creation? Really try to be clear on where this is set.

Also, watch that dialogue structure. I caught most of the mistakes but just be aware for the furture.

Otherwise, I'm on to chapter two :wink:
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



Change isn't inherently good, but you can't stop it, so let's just enjoy the ride. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— TheSilverFox