Until death do us part

It was the last battle; blood sprayed everywhere like an angry waterfall. I could taste its metallic tang on my lips, I could feel its warm and sticky liquid as it hit my arm. My once snow white horse was now red, almost black. The ground was slick and my mare often lost her footing.

We were winning. Dragons swooped low in the sky, taking out our enemies. Trees left standing were burning from the torturing fire. There was a low loss of life. I was only searching frantically for one person though. My other half. Derrick. He was missing in action.

The soldiers had told us that he would be at this camp, so where was he?

"Private!" I heard someone yell urgently. My horse swiveled around to face the one who addressed me. "He's been found, follow me!"

Kicking my horse into a gallop I urged her faster, I had to find him. Battle cries were being sounded all around us as I tried to block them out. A whizzing arrow hit my horse square in the chest.

I was thrown into blood and landed on a warm, wet, body. I looked up to see a macabre monster that was covered in a thick layer of fluids. He had pointed fangs that smiled evily at me. He raised his sword to finish me. Whipping out my own I met his with a clang of defience.

I would not die before I got to him, I had promised that I would marry him. Derrick had begged me to marry him before all this madness had began. But I had refused. I wish I hadn't. It was too late now though. If we both made this out alive I would marry him tomorrow.

I Countered the beast's moves, to tired to be creative enough for my own. Hooking my leg around his, he crashed to the ground with a deafing roar. All was fair in love and war. I smiled to myself at the irony of the statement. Raising my sword to finish him off, I felt an arrow take flight and lodge in my back.

Gasping with pain, I drove my sword into the creatures weak spot, effectively killing him. Turning around, I knew I had to see my attacker before I died. It was Derrick holding a bow, he dropped it with surprised agony on his face. He made it to me before I faded into blackness.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he cried.

"You were always a poor shot," I mumbled.

Smiling at him I gazed into his blue eyes. They were so beautiful.

Using up my remaining strength I raised up my head to meet his lips. We kissed for the last and final time. My lips lingered on his. Gently pulling away I repeated my former thought, " All's fair in love and war," I gasped with my last breaths, smiling. His weak laughter - and sobbing was the last thing before I met sweet oblivion.

Excellent job! You played with the reader's emotions well and effectively painted a picture of a battle scene. I have a few little grammer mistakes however...

It was the last battle, blood sprayed everywhere like an angry waterfall. I could taste it on my lips

The comma should be either . or ;. Otherwise add an 'and' in before 'blood'

What does the blood taste like? Metallic, sickly sweet, dirty...?

We were winning. Dragons swooped low in the sky, taking out our enemies. Trees left standing were burning from the torturing fire. There was a low loss of life. I was only searching frantically for one person though. My other half. Derrick. He was missing in action.

Mmmm I like this paragraph. Nice disctiptive job.

I was thrown into blood and landed on a body. A gruesome monster that dripped blood and had pointed fangs smiled evilly at me and raised his sword to finish me. Whipping out my own I met his with a clang of defience.

The monster arriving is too sudden. Did she land on her back so she could see it right away? Or on her stomach, so it would have had to make a noise for her to notice him?

I would not die before I got to him, I had promised that I would marry him.

change the ',' to either a ';' or a '-'
*crys DX Nuuuuu! Don't kill her/him!*

It was to late now though.

Should be 'too'.

I countered the beasts moves with mimicking it

I'm pretty sure if you re-read this you'll see it kinda reads funny. Try switching the 'with' with a comma instead.


Aww that was so sad! I loved it though. I'm dying to know more about the characters, it was a shame that this is just a short story and not something more...Still... *cries*

Thanks Cheshire Cat, I really appriciate the critique.

It's sad!! There isn't much to review. But everything has been said by Cheshire Cat... You got me hooked!...Desperately waiting for the next part

Who says there is a next part? wahahaha... *cough* i have been thinkinn about extending the story though.

*edited*

Hi Kaylyn.

This was short and sweet. I only found a couple of things:

My other half, Derrick.

They had told us that he would be at this camp, so where was he?

Whose they?

Kicking my horse into a gallop, I urged her faster,

Whipping out my own, I met his with a clang of [s]defience[/s] defiance.

I had promised that I would marry him.

First you say that you promised and here:

But I had refused.

you said that you refused. You controdict yourself. Figure out a way to make that not so, like saying "I had promised myself I would marry him." or something along those lines.

before all this madness had began.

How did the madness begin?

It was Derrick holding a bow and he dropped it with surprised agony on his face.

"You were always a poor shot," I mumbled.

This is fine but I don't like the wording for some reason. What about switching Were and Always so that it looks like this "You always were a poor shot."?

Smiling at him, I gazed into his blue eyes.

They were so beautiful.

I understand that they were beatiful because they were blue but what kind of blue? The calm sort of blue? The icy sort of blue?

His weak laughter - and sobbing - was the last thing I heard as I felt lifted and expired.

I think you used Expired too often. Using it only once can make it powerful, especially in something short like this. Using it twice, however, dulls it down and makes it not as special.

What's with the main character and Derrick? You didn't tell us enough information on that front. How did they fall in love? Why did she reject his proposal if she loved him?

I liked this, despite it being gory. I think if you expanded on parts of this so we have somewhat of a background story, it would be awesome (so far it's at great ).

Anyway, good job, and feel free to PM me for anything at all.

-always

To begin with the negative, you mention blood way too much. We get it, it's a battlefield; it's going to be bloody.

Second, your wording. This seems to me like it is placed in ancient times, and you use modern phrases that stick out. "All's fair in love and war" or "fighting dirty".

Lastly, I don't know your MC. I don't know Derrick. So I don't exactly care about the fate of either. What to do about it? Expand or give us more insight of both.

I did enjoy this. The dragons and the creature (who, by teh way, could use more description). Sad and ironic how Derrick was the one to kill her.

Out of time, but I hope this small bit helps.

KJ

It was for a contest, a death scene contest, so, I tried to put empasis on the blood.
Thanks for the critique though. I needed it, and appriciate the time you took to read and review it. Your right of course, I want the reader to know the charcater, it makes it the end have more emotion.

Hahahahaaaaa!!!!At last, bloodshed and pretty description!

-Pardon me, but the last five reviews or so i've done just now were about as painful as stabbing your own eyes with a trumpet-


Okay, so I'll be overly nice becuase of my violent preferences, but heres what I liked.


"I was thrown into blood and landed on a warm, wet, body."


Hahahahaaa!!!!


"My horse swiveled around to face the one who addressed me"


swiveled?

Silly as it is....I like it...





"I had to see my attacker before I died. It was Derrick holding a bow, he dropped it with surprised agony on his face. He made it to me before I faded into blackness. "


Hahahaheheheeehhaaaa!!!

Thats brilliant, killed by your true love....by accident!


HAHAHAAA!!!!

Okay....If I had one constructive thing to add, it's that I want a much better description of the beast...at present, the reader has next to no idea what he looks like..

Okay?



Hahhahaaaa.....

Melkor is slightly impressed....

Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to edit it...soon. When I get time. Maybe tomorrow...

Outstanding Piece!

I take it one side was human and the oposing side were like, vampires?
My favorite part had to be when she turned around and saw Derrik with a bow.
Very twisted Love Story. I didn't see any grammatical mistakes.

Keep Writing And Great Story!

Cool. I really liked it. I just wrote a short story like this one. keep it up.

I'm actually crying. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Ok, now for critique you capitalized the "C" in countered. That is all for grammar.
Why is it that you just say weak spot instead of actually telling where it was.
This should be two seperate sentences. "I would not die before I got to him, I had promised that I would marry him." A period will fix it. Ummm... I think you may want to say "it" here instead of him. "Gasping with pain, I drove my sword into the creatures weak spot, effectively killing him." Maybe just say she here."The ground was slick and my mare often lost her footing." Just suggestions. Great job!

I really liked it! It was sort of creepy- blood and all, but you were creative and used a lot of adjectives and I thought it was beautifull, even though we're talking blood here. Other than that, it was really really short, and I wish I could've heard a bit more about her love toward Derrick- this is a love story afterall. I wouldn't really call it a love story though- it had a lot of action [nice, by the way] not really your typicall love story. Anyways, I really liked it and I think you did an excellent job!
Ofir