Nightshade- Shadow of Light

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Nightshade:
Book 1- Shadow of Light
Chapter 1- It Takes A Thief

The room was small and dark, a lantern hanging by the door was the only source of light. My breath rasped in my throat as I shifted against the cold stone wall. I had drunk only a small amount of water in the last while. Once again, I pulled my wrists, testing the chains that held me to the wall. There was barely any give, but then, they were already taking most of my weight.

I glanced up when the door opened and a boy stepped into the room. He was around my age, with short ice blond hair, and black, fathomless, eyes. He watched me with just the hint of a smirk on his face, like he was amused that I hadn't given up yet. Glaring defiantly, I matched him stare for stare.

At last, I asked in as sarcastic a tone as I could manage. "I don't suppose you're going to tell me why I'm chained to the wall. I mean, there is a reason right? You aren't just doing this because you're bored?"

The boy's smirk widened into a triumphant grin. "Come now, you know better then that. You're a special existence Shade. One of a kind." He sauntered forward, his stride had an unnatural grace. In fact, a lot of things about the guy were unnatural. There was a certain charisma about him, it probably made people follow him even as they saw the cruelty and malice in that black gaze. "It's simple really. All you have to do is swear loyalty to me and you'll be free."

"You think I'll actually keep my word? You are naive."

"You will. I know you Shade, you and I have played out this scene so many times. We were mortal enemies from the day we first born. I know you are bound by your word."

"Then you know I'll never give it." I snarled, lunging at him, or as well as anyone can lunge when they're changed to a wall.

He turned and walked away, not even bothering to look at me as he delivered his parting shot. "Then you can just stay here for a while longer. That's alright too, after all, I do so enjoy watching you suffer."

Sighing, my head slumped down as the door closed, I barely even registered the lock clicking as it slid in place. Didn't matter, I was trapped anyways. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. No one could live like this forever, sooner or later, something had to give.

Unbidden my mind flashed to the last time I could remember before all the craziness happened. The last time things had been normal, or as normal as they got when you were a thief.

***

It was a late summer evening in the city of Mirano, the noble's celebrations were just winding down. Everyone was leaving to head home for bed, or to one of the later parties in the lakeside city. It was the last week of summer and the entire city was celebrating the seventeenth birthday of crown prince Sora.

The hosts had left to turn in for the night after bidding farewell to their guests. The hired guards continued the patrol of the grounds as the servants cleaned up after the party. Unnoticed by any of them I straddled the garden wall. My light blue eyes watched the manor with an unblinking gaze. Like many of the nobles summer houses. It was open to the night sky, with plenty of balconies and courtyards.

"Like taking candy from a baby." I murmured, as I slipped into the garden. My boots made a light thump as I landed, crouched in the shadow of the wall. My thieves outfit helped me to blend in with the shadows. Black trous, calf high soft leather boots, a sleeveless black shirt, with a many pocketed vest, and black gloves. The lower half of my face was covered by a black mask, at my waist hung a long dagger.

Silently I slipped across the garden paths, just as I reached the house I heard a pair of guards talking as they turned the corner. Quickly, I crouched behind the bushes waiting for them to pass.

"Hey did you hear about that thief the City Guard is trying to catch?"

"You mean the one they call Night Walker. Him as steals only from the wealthy nobles."

"Yeah that one. I heard the Guard's raised the bounty on his head again. The nobles want him pretty bad. Reward for his capture has gone up to twelve 'undererd rubles. Think of what you could do with that kind of money. Why I'd..."

I didn't hear the rest of his words as they wandered through the garden. Smiling, I pulled a small grappling hook out of my pack. So, the guard had raised the price on my head yet again. I threw the grappling hook so it caught on the balcony rail, quietly I scrambled up the wall and slipped over the balcony.

Carefully pulling the rope up behind me so that a passing guard wouldn't notice. I turned and tested the balcony door. It was a pretty simple lock, and it wasn't long before I had it picked. Smiling I glanced around the room, just as expected, I was in the lord's study. It had taken me days of surveillance to figure out the rooms location. With the lord exhausted from the week long celebration's the room was deserted.

I was in and out of the house in under thirty minutes, across the garden and over the wall in less then ten. Once I was out of noble country I stuck to the city roof tops. The job had been easy, a quick in and out. Smiling I stopped, crouching on the roof top of the orphanage.

A cold breeze blew past me just as I swung over the roof top and through my open window. "You are the one." The voice whispered, strangely familiar. Startled I straightened and found a man standing in front of me. His hair was golden and his silver-blue eyes glowed with their own light.

"Who are you, what are you doing in my room?" I demanded, my gaze darted around the room as my mind raced. Did he know I was the Night Walker. Please no, the laws of Mirelan stated that those who harbored a criminal, even unknowing, were just as guilty as the thief himself.

"You don't remember me yet but you will, I finally found you. My heart and soul, they all exist for this moment." The stranger reached out and placed his hand on my chest right above my heart. "It is past time you stop pretending Nightshade, no Azraiel."

A jolt went through my body and I clenched my jaw, barely stifling the scream that welled up. It felt like a wave of cold ice had passed over me, but the pain didn't stop there, it continued flashing hot and cold over and over.

When the pain finally faded I found myself gasping curled in a ball on the floor. Shivering, I stood slowly, making sure my legs wouldn't give out. "Bastard. Just what did you do to me!?" I snarled, but I found myself facing an empty room. That same cold breeze passed me by and I heard the voice again. "You will learn soon enough, My Lord."

Irritated, I pulled up a loose floor board, and dumped my latest spoils and my thieves gear in the crawl space. Exhausted I changed into my pajamas and lay down on the bed, I was asleep before my head touched the pillow. But then the dreams came for me.




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You did an excellent job until i got to the last few paragraphs. So I'll only critique your last few. Here goes:

I was in and out of the house in under thirty minutes, across the garden and over the wall in less then ten. Once I was out of noble country I stuck to the city roof tops. The job had been easy, a quick in and out. Smiling I stopped, crouching on the roof top of the orphanage.


:smt017 Okay maybe I wasn't paying attention but at the beginning wasn't he supposed to be robbing something, ibut then hes on his way home...

A cold breeze blew past me just as I swung over the roof top and through my open window. "You are the one." The voice whispered, strangely familiar. Startled I straightened and found a man standing in front of me. His hair was golden and his silver-blue eyes glowed with their own light.


Great description, Ireally liked it...

"Who are you, what are you doing in my room?" I demanded, my gaze darted around the room as my mind raced. Did he know I was the Night Walker. Please no, the laws of Mirelan stated that those who harbored a criminal, even unknowing, were just as guilty as the thief himself.


Question mark after Night walker. Why is he worried about anyone else getting in trouble. Although I would think it would sound better without that last sentance.


"You don't remember me yet but you will, I finally found you. My heart and soul, they all exist for this moment." The stranger reached out and placed his hand on my chest right above my heart. "It is past time you stop pretending Nightshade, no Azraiel."


I don't know, I think you should rephase that last sentance. It sounds confusing.


A jolt went through my body and I clenched my jaw, barely stifling the scream that welled up. It felt like a wave of cold ice had passed over me, but the pain didn't stop there, it continued flashing hot and cold over and over.


Pretty good right here. I found nothing wrong...


When the pain finally faded I found myself gasping curled in a ball on the floor. Shivering, I stood slowly, making sure my legs wouldn't give out. "Bastard. Just what did you do to me!?" I snarled, but I found myself facing an empty room. That same cold breeze passed me by and I heard the voice again. "You will learn soon enough, My Lord."


Need to seperate the dialouge from description and you need a comma instead of a period in gront of What did you d to me.


Irritated, I pulled up a loose floor board, and dumped my latest spoils and my thieves gear in the crawl space. Exhausted I changed into my pajamas and lay down on the bed, I was asleep before my head touched the pillow. But then the dreams came for me.


If someone just did that to me I would be more than iritated. And I wouldn't give up, I'd look out a window or something, not just let it go. Also I think that that last sentence needs to be rephased. Besides, youre really not supposed to start sentances with but.

Overall you have a pretty good story going on here. It just needs a bit of polishing up and it could be ready to go. Good luck and keep writing. Also PM me when you get more on this stpry out. I'll be glad to read and review it for yoiu.
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.




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Hello!


sylverdawn wrote:Nightshade:
Book 1- Shadow of Light
Chapter 1- It Takes A Thief

The room was small and dark, a lantern hanging by the door was the only source of light. My breath rasped in my throat as I shifted against the cold stone wall. I had drunk only a small amount of water in the last while. Once again, I pulled my wrists, testing the chains that held me to the wall. There was barely any give, but then, they were already taking most of my weight.

How long has it been since he's had some water?

I glanced up when the door opened and a boy stepped into the room. He was around my age, with short ice blond hair, and black, fathomless, eyes. He watched me with just the hint of a smirk on his face, like he was amused that I hadn't given up yet. Glaring defiantly, I matched him stare for stare.

How old is that, by the way?

At last, I asked in as sarcastic a tone as I could manage. "I don't suppose you're going to tell me why I'm chained to the wall. I mean, there is a reason right? You aren't just doing this because you're bored?"

This doesn't sound right in my mind. Maybe "the most" would fit better

The boy's smirk widened into a triumphant grin. "Come now, you know better then that. You're a special existence Shade. One of a kind." He sauntered forward, his stride had an unnatural grace. In fact, a lot of things about the guy were unnatural. There was a certain charisma about him, it probably made people follow him even as they saw the cruelty and malice in that black gaze. "It's simple really. All you have to do is swear loyalty to me and you'll be free."

"You think I'll actually keep my word? You are naive."

"You will. I know you Shade, you and I have played out this scene so many times. We were mortal enemies from the day we first born. I know you are bound by your word."

"Then you know I'll never give it." I snarled, lunging at him, or as well as anyone can lunge when they're changed to a wall.

"chained" Don't you hate typos? :P

He turned and walked away, not even bothering to look at me as he delivered his parting shot. "Then you can just stay here for a while longer. That's alright too, after all, I do so enjoy watching you suffer."

Sighing, my head slumped down as the door closed, I barely even registered the lock clicking as it slid in place. It Didn't matter, I was trapped anyways. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. No one could live like this forever, sooner or later, something had to give.

I suggest a period after forever and make the next clause it's own sentence.

Unbidden my mind flashed to the last time I could remember before all the craziness happened. The last time things had been normal, or as normal as they got when you were a thief.

***

It was a late summer evening in the city of Mirano, the noble's celebrations were just winding down. Everyone was leaving to head home for bed, or to one of the later parties in the lakeside city. It was the last week of summer and the entire city was celebrating the seventeenth birthday of crown prince Sora.

"Heading home" perhaps...might sound a mite better.

The hosts had left to turn in for the night after bidding farewell to their guests. The hired guards continued the patrol of the grounds as the servants cleaned up after the party. Unnoticed by any of them, I straddled the garden wall. My light blue eyes watched the manor with an unblinking gaze. Like many of the nobles summer houses. It was open to the night sky, with plenty of balconies and courtyards.

Yay, commas!

"Like taking candy from a baby." I murmured, as I slipped into the garden. My boots made a light thump as I landed, crouched in the shadow of the wall. My thieve's outfit helped me to blend in with the shadows. Black trous, calf high soft leather boots, a sleeveless black shirt, with a many pocketed vest, and black gloves. The lower half of my face was covered by a black mask, at my waist hung a long dagger.

I'm almost completly sure that's supposed to be there.

Silently I slipped across the garden paths, just as I reached the house I heard a pair of guards talking as they turned the corner. Quickly, I crouched behind the bushes waiting for them to pass.

"Hey did you hear about that thief the City Guard is trying to catch?"

"You mean the one they call Night Walker. Him as steals only from the wealthy nobles."

? Sorry this cofuses me.

"Yeah that one. I heard the Guard's raised the bounty on his head again. The nobles want him pretty bad. Reward for his capture has gone up to twelve 'undererd rubles. Think of what you could do with that kind of money. Why I'd..."

I didn't hear the rest of his words as they wandered through the garden. Smiling, I pulled a small grappling hook out of my pack. So, the guard had raised the price on my head yet again. I threw the grappling hook so it caught on the balcony rail, quietly I scrambled up the wall and slipped over the balcony.

Carefully pulling the rope up behind me so that a passing guard wouldn't notice. I turned and tested the balcony door. It was a pretty simple lock, and it wasn't long before I had it picked. Smiling I glanced around the room, just as expected, I was in the lord's study. It had taken me days of surveillance to figure out the rooms location. With the lord exhausted from the week long celebration's the room was deserted.

I was in and out of the house in under thirty minutes, across the garden and over the wall in less then ten. Once I was out of noble country I stuck to the city roof tops. The job had been easy, a quick in and out. Smiling I stopped, crouching on the roof top of the orphanage.

The paragraph may have made this part of the story move a little too fast. Slow this part down a little bit.

A cold breeze blew past me just as I swung over the roof top and through my open window. "You are the one." The voice whispered, strangely familiar. Startled I straightened and found a man standing in front of me. His hair was golden and his silver-blue eyes glowed with their own light.

"Who are you, what are you doing in my room?" I demanded, my gaze darted around the room as my mind raced. Did he know I was the Night Walker. Please no, the laws of Mirelan stated that those who harbored a criminal, even unknowing, were just as guilty as the thief himself.

"You don't remember me yet, but you will, I finally found you. My heart and soul, they all exist for this moment." The stranger reached out and placed his hand on my chest right above my heart. "It is past time you stop pretending Nightshade, no Azraiel."

A jolt went through my body and I clenched my jaw, barely stifling the scream that welled up. It felt like a wave of cold ice had passed over me, but the pain didn't stop there, it continued flashing hot and cold over and over.

When the pain finally faded I found myself gasping curled in a ball on the floor. Shivering, I stood slowly, making sure my legs wouldn't give out. "Bastard. Just what did you do to me!?" I snarled, but I found myself facing an empty room. That same cold breeze passed me by and I heard the voice again. "You will learn soon enough, My Lord."

Irritated, I pulled up a loose floor board, and dumped my latest spoils and my thieves gear in the crawl space. Exhausted I changed into my pajamas and lay down on the bed, I was asleep before my head touched the pillow. But then the dreams came for me.

After that ordeal, he was just irritated? Interesting
Not needed


'Ello again. by the way, I'm sorry I had to the crit's within the quote, but html is out to get me. *sobs* If it's confusing, just PM me and berate me for it.

I really liked this story, and hope that you'll PM when you get more of it out (hint hint).

You just need to clean some random parts of it and (in Kaylyn's words) will be ready to go. :)

Just a little statment so you don't hate me ( :D ), all of my suggestions are just that...suggestions. this is YOUR story and it doesn't matter what I say.

On that note, I once again say I liked this a lot and hope I get to read more in the future.


_ _
Risa
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