Sun and the Moon

I am the Sun
And you are the Moon.
I only see you rarely,
But hope to see you soon.

Like night turns to day,
Warm turns to cold.
My heart is like this
It never gets old.

We are so far,
Yet so close.
I am the patient,
You are my dose.

When we are together,
My rays shine brighter.
My heart skips a beat,
As you hold me tighter.

I have a new theory,
It is very clever.
The Sun will be with the Moon,
For now and forever.

I am the Sun
And you are the Moon.
Our hearts beat in sequence,
And to the same tune.

And when I see the Sun and the Moon
You're never there.
My world's playing games
Is that really fair?

Your light is like venom-
With its beams phosphorescent
It kills once it penetrates
In that perfect shaped crescent.

They shined brighter than us,
Both at the same time.
And all I could think of
Was this God damned rhyme.

I know that you love me
And you want to know my story,
But so far you haven't been there;
Through the pain and no glory.

So show me your love,
Just show me it more.
Before I'm bleeding profusely
Against my carpeted floor.

Well done! I like the "beams phosphorescent" and you've got a good sense of rhythm and rhyme.
A couple things:
"Shone" is the past tense of "shine." I don't think the word "shined" exists.
The last stanza kind of takes away the imagery of the rest of the poem. You've got this nice little metaphor going and then you start talking about bleeding...? If it's supposed to give that impression I apologize
And you might want to use some word other than against...on, or all over, my carpeted floor? IDK.

This is a well written poem and I applaud you for taking the time to re-edit as most people will just 'crank' a poem out and think it's perfect without any revision! I though a good number of the verses were really cute and at the same time provided insight. However, I will say that because the verses follow a format I become bored and struggled to finish it. If you are going to stay within' this type of format I would make the poem shorter. Or, deviate from the paradigm.

Adrian

That was brilliantly written and very fabby.

It had the fab factor. Officially. Bee's fab factor. Well done!

Like 'Elizabeth Darcy' said, i'm not quite sure if the last stanza flowes quite as well as the other ones, that could just be my inner perfectionist speaking. You really do have amazing talent for expression in your writing though. I actively enjoyed reading this. I don't think you have many grammar problems other than the shined, shone one.
Over-all i liked it alot. :]

Your light is like venom-

With its beams phosphorescent

It kills once it penetrates

In that perfect shaped crescent.


I love this part dont change it lol I liked how you kept the poem in tune, it was beautiful and I reread it to understand it more clearly good work.