"Stella" Chapter 1

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Hmm, I like this.
Though the dialogue got confusing, I suggest you start a new line when a new person starts speaking. It makes who is speaking clearer, and the story easier to read overall. I want to concentrate on the story, not be distracted by trying to figure out who's speaking.

I found the piece got a lot better in the second half, when you stopped using all those brackets. I suggest you find a better way to relay the information, as the brackets break the flow and make the overall story feel sloppy, as if you're taking shortcuts. Brackets have their time and their place.

I laughed at how the twins woke their sister, it was a great way to set up the family attitude. I've been woken by my own siblings plenty of times... to me, this beginning is something I can relate to, and makes it just that more believable, well done ^^

Also, most of the dialogue was believable. It sounded natural and didn't distract me from the story, a difficult skill to achieve.

He was wearing jeans with ratted bottoms, barefoot as usual, and no shirt. Again, as usual.

I'm not sure what the point is behind the "again, as usual." Personally, I don't think it needs to be there.

And, of course, barefoot. Of course I can’t say much, hell half the time I’m barefoot too.

You've used 'of course' twice close together. Try changing one for variety.

His deep brown hair was still wet from, what I guessed to be the shower.

This comma seems misplaced, and interrupts the flow. I suggest getting rid of it altogether.


The whole witch thing was sudden and unexpected. I'm not sure I liked it that way, but it is up to you whether you want to keep it like that. I maybe would have found a way to show it rather then just telling us.

Hmmm... one question, if her mother hated Wicca, why would she tolerate the grandmother, especially when she can't put aside her disgust for her own flesh and blood? and also, why would she name her daughter after a Wicca?

All I did was think about the wind around me gathering more leaves and pushing them and my pile under Seth when he fell.
What I had pictured in my head had just happened.

You've told us the same thing twice. Try shortening, your reader will understand just fine ^^

For some reason, I didn't feel for Stella like I should have. Maybe it is because we are told everything, try showing us. How did the autumn air smell? what is the yard like? show us how Stella felt, don't tell us.

The ending was.... abrupt. It may be just a part of a larger chapter, so I won't stress the point

Overall, you have set up an interesting character. I found the family situation between the father, the twins and Stella believable, which is great.
I would suggest you show us, rather then tell us. A bit of telling is fine, but too much and it starts to feel dictating, and it is hard to get emotionally involved in the story. Which is, as a writer, what you are aiming for
But otherwise, I see potential in this piece. Keep it up, and be sure to PM me if you have any questions, and of course when you post more! ^^

-Nutty