Hellfire Part 3

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EDIT:
I changed it from 3rd person POV to first person. Let me know if I missed anything! Thanks!
Three weeks passed. No sign of any vampires. And all this time, even though we had not seen any vampires, I never had a weapon of any kind to fight with. My belief in this entire ‘vampire slayer’ business was dwindling faster than ever. But my whole weapon problem was solved one night when Conqet, Kitsune, and Suna FINALLY decided to take me to some sort of secret underground establishment that they had been telling me about for so long. Actually, Conqet was the only one who was there to take me because Kitsune and Suna were busy that night. Conqet was clearly amused by my reaction to it.
"So...what do you think?"
"It's...it's..."
"It's?"
"Amazing..." I whispered.
The roof must have been at least 4 stories high. It was all one big room. The roof and side walls joined to make a dome shape, while the end walls were flat. The floor, walls, and ceiling were all paved with cement. There were different 'stations' along the walls. One station had weapons, another had costumes, etc.
"You know, just because we haven't seen any vampires yet...it doesn't mean they're not out there. Seeing isn't always believing, Larara."
I slowly turned to face Conqet. "Yeah, I know...it's just that I've never heard of vampires actually existing, that's all. I could believe...there's just...no proof..."
"So much for the whole 'seeing isn't always believing' crap," Conqet muttered to herself. "Anyway," she said to me, "you want a weapon?" Conqet took me over to the weapon station. "You pick one. This is the only equipment that can kill a vampire, and really kill them. Don't you believe for one second any of that 'vampires are killed with silver' junk everyone talks about. Silver doesn't kill vampires - it kills werewolves." She jerked her head around so she was looking right into my face. I flinched backwards. "Believe me, I know. Anyway...take your pick!"
I walked down the table, examining every item there was, which wasn't much. There was a cross, glowing cuff links, and yes, even, a squirt gun.
"A - a squirt gun?" I asked amusedly, picking it up. "You’re supposed to kill a vampire with a squirt gun?"
"Yeah. Careful with that."
"Oh, please. It's just a squirt gun. What could happen?" I aimed it at the wall and squirted a couple times.
"Hey! What did I say?! Don't play around with this stuff! It could be dangerous...or expensive...!"
"But it's just-"
"No, Larara, it's not just water! It's holy water! That stuff is hard to come by! I'd rather you didn't waste it, thanks!"
"Oh...I see now. Sorry."
"That's okay..."
I picked up the cuff links. "What do these do? They're glowing yellow...!"
"Be very careful with those. They have more power than you think."
"But what do they do?"
"Let's just say this - sunlight kills vampires."
"Ah...I see. Thanks." Lastly, I picked up the cross. "What about this?"
"That cross does two different things. The cross itself burns vampires, and it, like the cuff links, emits sunlight."
"Very cool. But...none of these weapons are really working for me. Do you have anything else?"
"Well, there is one more thing...but you are just a rookie, after all. You don't have much experience on the field, so I don't know what it will do for you, but I have confidence in you. I sense something about you. Something good. I'll let you see it and try it out," Conqet told me.
Conqet took me back into a different room just beyond the table with the weapons on it. There were no lights in this room, except those glowing from something that floated on the far side of the closet-sized room. Encased in a glass tube was the most beautiful sword I had ever seen.
A blue-green glow surrounded the sword, and it had a clean blue blade with golden accents in the handle. While it was very beautiful, it looked huge, and it was probably too heavy for me to carry. Nonetheless, I walked up to the tube and stared at the sword. All of a sudden, the sword's blue glow seemed to grow stronger. It was as though the blade knew that I was there, and it sensed something special about me.
"I-I've never seen it do that before...then again, it doesn't do much, but it's actually having a response to your presence. This is so unusual..." Conqet said. She stared at the sword, clearly deep in thought.
"Well...what should I do?" I asked.
"You could touch it if you wanted to," Conqet told me.
"Conqet, I think you've been thinking too much...!"
"No I haven't. Let's just see what happens. Touch the sword. Don’t worry about the case it's in. Don’t worry about the weight of the thing. It won't matter. Just touch it."
So, I did as I was told. I reached up and placed my hand around the handle of the sword. All at once, the glowing stopped. I picked up the cutlass and admired it a little more closely.
"This thing is awesome! Where ever did you get it?"
"I won it in a bet. Have you ever heard the song, 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia?'"
"Yes, of course. I love that song."
"It was a bet similar to that. Only I didn't play the fiddle...and it wasn't against the devil."
"That's amazing..."
"Hey...put both of your hands on the handle and hold it straight out away from you." I gave Conqet a strange look. "Just do it. I want to see if this will work."
I put my other hand on the handle and held the weapon out away from my body. All of a sudden, a swirl of dust and wind enclosed me inside a small tornado. I covered my face with my arms. To my surprise, I never dropped the sword. When it finally died down, I found that I wasn't wearing the same thing I was when the tornado had started, and I didn't feel the same. I felt braver, stronger, and smarter. I was wearing a warrior costume that was the same blue color as the sword and gold accents.
"Whoa!" I exclaimed. "This is incredible!"
"Wow..." Conqet said in disbelief. "I can't believe what I'm seeing..."
"Looks like I'm ready to fight vampires now, huh?!" I said excitedly.
"I guess that weapon was meant for you. I mean, Suna, Kitsune, and myself all did that same thing, and this didn't happen for us. You must be some sort of 'chosen one.'" Conqet smiled at me. "Let's go hunting. I think we should keep the sword here, but we can still go scavenging for a few blood-suckers, don't you think?"
"Definitely! Sounds great!" I agreed.
So, we put the sword back, my clothes changed back to what I was wearing before, and we set out on the hunt for vampires. We split up so that finding one would be faster. And indeed, it was.
As I walked down a long, dark alley, I heard a vicious laugh from somewhere behind me. I spun on my heels and found a pair of glowing brown eyes and white teeth behind me. Without a doubt, it was a vampire. He had dark brown eyes and medium brown hair.
I could only gasp. I didn't know what to do. I started to back up, hoping that I would be able to turn and outrun the creature. But that plan was quickly abolished. The vampire picked up his pace, grabbed me by the neck, and threw me against a wall. I fell into a heap on the ground, only to be picked up by my neck again. I couldn't do much anymore - I was too weak and too limp. He slammed me against the wall and held me there. He smiled his evil smile again and pressed his lips to mine. I made no move to kiss him back, but instead, held my mouth tightly shut. It wouldn't have mattered anyway - he started moving from my mouth to my cheek, still kissing me all the way. He then moved from my cheek to my neck. When he got there, he stopped, looked into my eyes, smiled, and opened his mouth wide.
Just as he was about to crunch into my neck, delivering a fatal bite, something yellow, black, and white whirred past me, knocking the vampire to the ground. I fell into the sand below me and managed to look up. To my surprise, it was Rayne, fighting off the vampire! My wolf fought valiantly against the fiendish creature. I was scared for her the whole time, fearful that Rayne would be bitten. I hadn't asked Conqet if the bite was deadly to animals, too. Finally, the vampire stopped. He turned and ran in the opposite direction, trying to get away from the wolf that forced him to retreat. The fight hadn't lasted more than thirty seconds. Rayne snarled in his direction one last time before running over to me to make sure that I was okay.
"Oh! Rayne! I love you! I love you! I love you! You're the best dog in the whole world, and I love you!" I caressed Rayne with hugs and kisses.
Just then, the vampire returned. But he didn't stop to get me again. Instead, he kept running. Rayne watched after him, confused. I looked down the alley to see if I could see why the vampire was running. Then, it revealed itself to me. Conqet came dashing out of the darkness, and in her hand, a sword, whose blade was in the shape of a cross. She glanced down at me. I was sitting in the sand, cradling Rayne's head in my arms and kissing it lovingly.
"You are so lucky you have such a loyal companion."
"Yeah, I know. I love her so much, and I know she knows that I do."
"I remember you talking about her once. You seemed to be very proud that she was part wolf. That's actually a very good thing. Vampires fear wolves. Wolves were sometimes kept by priests back when the vampire population was larger, like, in the 1500's. The priests would baptize the wolves so that they would never be harmed by the vampires. Their generations have only increased, and, while not all wolves were owned by priests, it is extremely likely that Rayne is a descendant from a wolf that did belong to a holy person. That's why wolves are immune to vampire bites. And even though she's only part wolf, it still helps."
"That's good. No, that’s a miracle. I’m so lucky to have her."
"Sorry I couldn't get here sooner. I was a few blocks away but I could tell something was wrong. I had to run all the way over here."
"That's okay. I have a guardian angel right here."
Conqet smiled at me, then at Rayne. "She's a good dog. Definitely one you want to keep around."
I looked up and smiled at Conqet. "Believe me, I'm never getting rid of her. Nothing would make me give up Rayne. Nothing at all."
"Not even your own life?"
"Definitely not even my own life."
Conqet and I both looked back down the alley in the direction the vampire went. He had collapsed on the ground not far from where we were at. Just then, someone ran into view. It was a girl. She looked at us, then down at the collapsed vampire. She quickly knelt down next to him and began checking his pulse. Both of our eyes widened with fear.
"Don't touch him!" Conqet yelled.
The girl looked up for a second, then opened her mouth and hissed at us, revealing two white fangs of her own. A female vampire.
She looked back down at him and checked for a pulse again. Conqet stood up slowly.
"Conqet! Stay here!" I hissed. "She'll bite you!"
"Wait...I have the strangest feeling that I know this vampire..."
Conqet slowly started walking towards the female vampire. Rayne pulled herself from my grasp and stuck to the shadows immediately behind Conqet. I flattened myself against the sand beneath me. As Conqet got closer to the new vampire, Rayne began to growl, as if letting the vampire know she was there. The female vampire then started to back away, which was a huge mistake. This simple act revealed her identity.
"Kitsune?" Conqet asked.
"Conqet?" Kitsune said. "I-I didn't know you were out hunting tonight..."
"That makes two of us," Conqet said. "Kitsune, you're a vampire? Why didn't you tell me? And why have you been hunting them all this time?"
"Well, because..."
I started to stand. Kitsune, unaware that it was me, looked in my direction and hissed again. That, too, was a mistake. Hissing at me triggered Rayne's anger, and instinctively, she attacked.
"Rayne! No!" I shouted. Rayne immediately stopped and ran back to me.
"L-Larara? I-is that you?" Kitsune asked. "A-a-and is that y-your wolf?"
"Yes Kitsune. It's me. And yes, she's my wolf. Sorry about that. I didn't know she was going to attack you."
"I didn't know it was you..."
"I understand." I walked over to Kitsune and Rayne followed, but she kept her distance. She didn't like the idea of someone hissing at me. A cat was okay, because that's what they do, but another human was too much for her.
"Okay Kitsune. How long were you planning on keeping this a secret?" Conqet asked.
"As long as I could, Conqet. I'm sorry if you're hurt, and I understand if you are..."
At that moment, the other vampire began to come to. Kitsune knelt down to help him up. He was a little shaky, but he was finally able to stand on his own. Once he was totally aware of his surroundings, he took a few steps back. He couldn't forget the girl with the cross or the wolf-master...or the wolf herself.
"It's okay, Daikon. You're fine. She's not going to sic the wolf on you...unless you do something really stupid... which I know you usually do..."
"Just make sure it doesn't happen..." he grumbled. Rayne growled angrily. Daikon whimpered and began to tremble. He stepped behind Kitsune and crouched down. "J-just keep it away from me..." he said.
"Call her an 'it' again and see what happens..." I threatened.
Daikon straightened up and glared at me. Rayne growled even more fiercely. Daikon cowered back down and I smiled, satisfied.
"Oh please, Daikon," Kitsune said, annoyed. "She's only part wolf. It won’t have the same effects."
I widened my eyes and looked at Kitsune, thinking, 'Don't tell him that!' Kitsune must have understood, because she slapped her hand over her mouth.
"Oops..." she said.
"Oh really? Hmm..."
An evil, toothy smile crept over Daikon's face. He moved his head towards the sky and closed his eyes. Then, all at once, he opened his eyes and looked straight at me. His once brown eyes had turned blood red. He broadened the scary smile and looked down at a very surprised Rayne, who immediately took a fighting stance. He lunged at her, and she pounced.
Grasping his neck in her white teeth, Rayne tackled Daikon to the ground. He somehow managed to wrench himself free from her deadly hold and ran straight into her side, head first. Rayne yelped in fear and pain, but she refused to give up. She grabbed his ankle in her mouth and flung her head from side to side furiously. Daikon screamed and tried to kick Rayne. He was unsuccessful and she pounced, taking his throat once again. Finally, he decided he had had enough, and he screamed his surrender. I called Rayne off, and she happily and obediently trotted up to me.
"You didn't let me finish, Daikon!" Kitsune said, laughing. "She may not be all wolf, but that doesn't mean she can't kick your ass!"
Everyone laughed (except Daikon) as he crawled behind Kitsune as though he were seeking protection from her. We praised Rayne, who basked in the attention.
"Uh, Kitsune? Where's Suna?" I asked.
"I dunno. It's Friday night. She could be anywhere." Then, noticing my nervous look, she added, "No, she's not a vampire, too. At least, if she is, she hasn't told me."
"Does she know about you?" Conqet asked.
"Nope. I wasn't ever planning on telling you, but it looks like the secret's out. The only reason I've been hunting with you guys is because I thought it would better hide my true identity."
"But...Conqet said that sunlight kills vampires. How were you able to walk around at school and stuff?" I asked, confused.
"Sunlight does kill vampires. But it only kills us when were in our vampire form, as Daikon and I are now. Speaking of Daikon, where did he go?"
We all looked down and saw Daikon on his hands and knees so that he was at eye level with Rayne, and he and Rayne were glaring at each other and growling. It was like a pattern; Rayne would growl, then Daikon would growl, then Rayne, then Daikon, and so on. Rayne appeared to be amused, but Daikon was getting angry. Rolling her eyes, Kitsune lifted up her foot and kicked Daikon on the shoulder. He fell over. When he got back up, he glared at Rayne, then turned his back to her so that he wouldn't keep playing around. He sat there and pouted for a while.
Daikon was annoying and immature. There isn't much else to say about him. He was a little conceited and very insubordinate, and appeared to be a little bit of an ego maniac. His hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in a few weeks, but it looked clean. Through tears and holes in torn and mangled cloth armor, muscle was exposed. His skin was tan for a vampire; he looked like he got quite a bit of sun. His eyes were a warm dark brown that one couldn't help but fall into. Daikon had looks, but his personality and arrogance was the reason none of us were attracted to him.
"Stop fooling around Daikon. You are so childish," Kitsune said. "But, anyway..."
At that very moment, two more vampires ran into the alley. They were both male.
The first had black hair and glowing yellow eyes. The second had blue hair and blue eyes.
"Oh...hi guys. I wasn't expecting you. Conqet, Larara, this is Luranno and Nukum."
"What are you doing with these humans?" the black haired one, Luranno, asked, agitated. He then jumped back a little. "And why is there a wolf here?!"
"That's not a wolf," said the other vampire, Nukum. Then he looked again. "Is it?" His voice became shaky and nervous.
"Yes, she is a wolf, but she’s only half wolf. Don't be a baby," Kitsune snapped. "Anyway, Nukum, Luranno, this is Conqet and Larara."
"Pleasure to meet you," said Nukum. He had an Brittish accent, though we couldn't understand why, being that we were in California. His light skin absorbed the moonlight, making it glow like Luranno's eyes. It was actually quite captivating. His eyes were a medium blue, and almost reminded me of Rayne's dark blue ones. They were soft, but cold. His smile was somewhat mischievious, and his attitude was sincere, but had "back off" written all over it. He had a royal feel about him. He wasn't exactly a gentleman, but he was in no way rude or self-centered. His clothes were a little tattered, but other than that, he had a clean, well-groomed appearance.
"Charmed, I'm sure," Conqet said sarcastically.
"Ahem?" I fake-coughed.
"Oh yes," Kitsune remembered. "And...this," she said, pointing to Rayne, "is Rayne. I suggest you don't bother her. She may not be full wolf, but she can still beat anyone in a fight any day. If you want proof, just ask Daikon." And with that, Kitsune turned back to me and Conqet again.
"Daikon...! You let a wolf get the best of you?" Nukum asked him.
"A half wolf?!" Luranno burst out laughing. Nukum joined in.
"Hey, guys, shut up! You try fighting that beast, and we'll see what happens...!"
Nukum stopped laughing, but Luranno smiled. He almost reminded me of the devil. He was rude, villainous, and disobedient. His gnarled, greasy, spiky black hair revealed that he didn't give a damn about his personal appearance. He had dark black circles under his eyes, which were an eerie neon yellow. His skin was very light - almost grey. Surprisingly, and unlike the other two, Luranno's clothes were neat, unwrinkled, and clean. It was kind of obvious that he and Daikon were best friends. Their personalities coincided in a few different areas.
"Very well. Uh, Kitsune?" He asked.
Kitsune flipped around. "What?!"
"If you don't mind, I'd like to challenge that wolf to a little one-on-one battle."
"She's not mine. Ask Larara."
Kitsune stepped out of the way and pointed at me. I looked down at Rayne, who looked back up at me with an expression that said "Go for it."
"Fine. But the fight ends when I say so. Or when you give up..." I smiled evilly at Luranno, who smiled the same smile at Rayne, who snarled.
"Let's do this. I'll show you, Daikon. There's nothing to it."
Rayne and Luranno took positions across from each other. Baring her teeth, Rayne snarled menacingly at Luranno. He smiled at her, showing his own white fangs. They stood watching each other for what seemed like a long time. Rayne barked once, and Luranno jumped at her.
He jumped so high that he left the ground, giving Rayne the chance to run under him. She did so, and he hit the sand hard. She turned on a dime and leaped onto his back, where she grabbed his arm and bit hard. He let out a scream of pain, but he didn't give up. He rolled over so that Rayne was underneath him. Although he was putting all his weight on her, she didn't let go of his arm. Instead, she sunk her teeth deeper. Luranno was raging mad. He elbowed Rayne in the stomach, forcing her to let go. She laid there for a moment or two, acting as if she was unconscious. I gasped. I took one step forward. I started to run into the fight when Luranno opened his mouth to bite her. Conqet yanked me back.
"It won't do anything to her. I promise," she said, obviously trying to remain calm.
My eyes welled with tears, but I didn't get into the fight. I reluctantly backed up into Conqet's open arms. When Luranno was inches from Rayne’s neck, her eyes and mouth flew open and she grabbed his face in her strong jaws. Her top jaw fell on one cheek and her bottom jaw closed on the other.
At first, he didn't know what was happening, but when he did, he started flailing his head back and forth to get out. Finally, Rayne let him go, but he was even more angry. He didn't get to do anything, though, because before he did, Rayne snapped down on his neck, just as she had done to Daikon. He fell over, with her still attached. He closed his eyes and waited a few seconds. Then, all of a sudden, he opened his newly red eyes and sliced his fangs into Rayne’s neck. Immediately, she let go, threw her head back, and howled. Luranno kept his hold.
"Rayne!" I screamed.
I grabbed the cross sword out of Conqet's hands and ran over to them. I swung the sword across Luranno’s side. He jumped back, dropping Rayne to the ground where she lay still. I picked up her head and held it close. Conqet's eyes filled with tears. Kitsune gasped and clapped a hand over her mouth. Nukum stood with his mouth open and his eyes wide. Daikon didn't change his facial expression, but he was watching intently. Luranno army-crawled away from us, his shirt ripped where the sword struck him, replaced by a bloody burn mark. My cheeks were streaked with flowing tears. Rayne was still alive, but she was in bad condition.
With an effort, Luranno stood. He turned towards me, and I looked up at him with hate-filled eyes. His eyes showed a much less powerful hate, but anger was still there. I watched him as he slowly limped over to the cross sword. He picked it up and held it high above his head, ready to swing it down and slice it into me.
"No!" Conqet cried.
I crouched over Rayne’s injured body, ready to accept the blow. But it never came. Instead, I heard the sword fall to the ground, followed by a loud thump. I looked up cautiously, and I was amazed by what I saw. Daikon had Luranno pinned against a wall, his strong hand holding Luranno’s neck firmly in place.
"Enough," he growled.
With that, he dropped Luranno into the sand and limped back over to where Kitsune, Conqet, and Nukum were standing. Luranno managed to stand and limp over to Kitsune, who checked out the burn on his side. Then, she checked his wounds from the bites that Rayne delivered. Once she was done examining his injuries, she nailed him in the face with a tight fist.
"What the hell is the matter with you?! Fair fight, Luranno! Fair fight! That means no biting!"
"What are you talking about? I was bitten all over!"
"What other weapon do you expect a wolf to fight with?! They don't use their claws! They don't have hands to hold something with! They can't punch or kick you!"
"I don't give a damn!" Luranno snarled. "I'm not apologizing to her! If she didn't want the wolf to get bitten, she wouldn't have let her fight! It's her own damn fault that her pet is probably dying..." Luranno, his voice and eyes clouded with hate, glared at me. My head shot up and I looked at him. Kitsune, enraged, hit him in the stomach so hard he almost threw up. He sank to the ground and wrapped his hands around her shin and calf, squeezing them tightly. "Damn, you woman," he wispered viciously. Kitsune blocked the pain in her leg out of her mind and glowered down at him.
Now, instead of only detest for Luranno, I felt fear for Rayne. To my great fortune, Rayne began to wake up. I hated Luranno so much. I hated his guts. I especially hated Daikon. But I hated them both with a passion. True, Daikon had saved my life, but he still tried to kill me himself, and he did try to kill Rayne, although he was unsuccessful. Luranno had been unsuccessful as well, but in the end, it didn't matter, because they hated me, too. I didn't give two shits.
After Rayne had started to regain her senses a little more, I decided that I was done risking Rayne's life. Together with Conqet, I carried Rayne home.
Last edited by RayneChild on Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:28 pm, edited 6 times in total.




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She fell into a heap on the ground, only to be picked up again by her neck again.
Lol, too many agains!!!!!! Your readers will drown with this many!!!

"You are so lucky you have such a loyal dog."
Try saying 'companion' or something else. It's better than saying 'dog'.

"Rayne! No!" Larara shouted. "It's okay Rayne! Come here!!" Rayne immediately stopped and ran over to Larara.
Separate these out. Like put '"Rayne! No!" Larara shouted.' with 'Rayne immediately stopped' and '"It's okay Rayne! Come here!!"' with 'ran over to Larara.' Obviously you're going to have to fix that though. :D

At that moment, the other vampire started to come to.
Doesn't really make sense (to me anyway)......just as an example, how about 'regained his senses' or 'sat up, his red eyes glaring at______'

He couldn't forget the girl with the cross or the wolf-master...or the wolf.
How about 'the wolf itself'

He had a British accent.
Be more descriptive about the accent.

She grabbed the cross sword out of Conqet's hands and ran over to them. She swung the sword across Luranno’s side. He jumped back. Rayne fell to the ground, breathing heavily. Larara picked up her head and held it close. Conqet's eyes filled with tears.
These sentences are pretty choppy......I suggest fixing them

"NO!!!" a tearful Conqet cried.
You already told us that Conqet was crying- or going to cry, anyway. Just say 'Conqet cried'.

Larara crouched over Rayne’s injured body, ready to accept the blow. But it never came.
Put this into one sentence

She then punched him in the face.
Try rewording this. Like, 'Once she completed her inspection of his blood-stained body, she delivered a well clenched fist to his face.' .....Maybe that's not great, but you get what i'm saying.

"I'm sorry I almost killed your wolf," he said.
How about 'He said between gritted teeth.' Because he isn't happy about apologizing to her not does he want to.



All in all I love this part of your story!!!!! :smt054 Can't wait till you post more!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D
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I don't know if these were actually supposed to be vampires, but they were so watered down I was almost reminded of Edward Cullen. Vamps are predators, evil-doers, and murderers.

I mean, the storyline isn't bad, but this whole idea of vampires who apologize to teenage girls and bicker immaturely amongst themselves is an embarrassment to any kind of vampiric character.

Also, try switching out the CAPS and excess exclamation marks for italics, or simply put 'he yelled' or 'she screamed' as a description of the way they said it after the dialogue. It's less tacky.

I beg you, beg you to change the vamp characters. I know it's a writer's choice as to how he makes his own characters, but to be completely honest, these vampires are more laughable than ferocious, dangerous, chilling, or predatory.

Good luck, and I hope you continue writing! ^^

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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VampireBloodrace:

Wow...That's a lot of errors. I'll fix those asap!

Sela Locke:

Lol. Okay, I will admit that it is a little...soft (for lack of a better word) for a vampire to apologize to a girl. And you're right, everyone has their own interpretation of a vampire. I have an idea in mind as to how I can fix it, so I'll get on that as soon as I can! But the idea of their personality - or Daikon's, anyway - is that he is stupid and immature. Maybe not so much Nukum or Luranno, but Daikon. I'll fix the other two, but that is exactly what Daikon is supposed to be like. Thanks for the tips!!!

P.S.

I have NO idea who Edward Cullen is. Is that bad?
Last edited by RayneChild on Sun Nov 02, 2008 2:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
Singing: It's more than my forte; it's my fortissimo
---
They say "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
Well, I think guns help. If you just stand there and yell BANG I don't think you're going to kill too many people...




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Okay! I fixed everything! I hope it's better now! Luranno and Daikon aren't as nice anymore! Yay!!! Lol. I hope you enjoy it more, now that I fixed the mistakes. All...those...mistakes...

~Rayne
Singing: It's more than my forte; it's my fortissimo
---
They say "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
Well, I think guns help. If you just stand there and yell BANG I don't think you're going to kill too many people...




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RayneChild wrote:"I-I've never seen it do that before...then again, it doesn't do much, but it's actually having a response to your presence. This is so unusual..." Conqet said. She stared at the sword, clearly deep in thought.


Well this chapter is better but I do have a little problem with the quote above... it just seemed so forced and cliche
edit: And rereading the chapter and nearly all of it it just seemed so cliche and the hero making was so easily done and forced....
Onto the next chapter I hope I don't run into many more cliches

RayneChild wrote:
You must be some sort of 'chosen one.'"

And this and vampire slaying.... seriously Buffy wants to talk
Still not finished.... I mean 3 weeks of finding no vampires, than she becomes the "chosen one" and magically that very night random walking around and smack she runs into one <_< >_>
please I beg you to tell me this doesn't happen all story



When you cut pieces out of the truth to avoid looking like a fool, you end up looking like a moron instead.
— Robin Hobb