Hellfire Part 2

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EDIT:
I changed it from 3rd person POV to first person. Let me know if I missed anything! Thanks!
The next morning, my alarm clock rang at 7:00. I lazily turned the annoying beeping noise off and rolled out of bed. I shuffled to the bathroom and took a shower. It took a hot shower to actually wake up and realize that it was Monday - my first day of school. I hurriedly got dressed and ready. When I got downstairs, I went into the kitchen and quickly poured myself a bowl of cereal.
"Good morning, Larara. Are you ready for your first day of school?" My mother asked me. I gave no response. "I said, Good morning!”
"Okay! Good morning!" I snapped.
She gave me a sharp look, then turned her back to pour herself a cup of coffee. "Now, are you ready for your first day of school?"
"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Get off my case," I snarled.
I finished the last few bites of cereal, washed out my bowl, and went back upstairs. My mother sighed, annoyed. I finished getting ready and went outside where I waited in the car for my mother, who usually took quite some time to finish getting herself ready in the morning.
* * *
The next thing I knew, I was standing outside my new high school. I was hesitant at first, but I finally began walking toward the building. I entered the office and confronted the old woman sitting at the front desk.
"Excuse me," I said calmly. The elderly woman didn't seem to notice, so I asked a little more loudly. "Excuse me...?"
The old woman jumped back, sending pencils, pens, and loose pieces of paper flying everywhere.
"What?! What?! What is it?!" The lady screeched.
Obviously, she hadn't noticed that someone was standing there because she looked around frantically, which, in turn, caused her glasses (which were on a chain around her neck) to fall. She then looked up at me. I smiled nervously.
"Oh, sorry, child. Didn't see ya there. Just give me one second to find my glasses, dearie. Um..."
The woman had a southern accent. She flung her head in all directions looking for the glasses that were strung around her neck. I rolled my eyes, which eventually landed on some kids standing in another doorway, watching me intently. I quickly looked away, embarrassed. Finally, the lady looked down and saw her glasses. She lifted them onto her nose and looked back up at me.
"Right. Now, what's your name, sweets?"
"Um, Larara. It's Larara."
"That's a very perddy name. That's good, very good." Her long nails tap-tap-tapped away at the keyboard of the computer in front of her. "Ah-ha!!! There ya are, child. First day? That's good, very good. Here's your schedule. I'm Mrs. Krisp, just so's ya know. I'll be seein ya round, alright? Ok, buh-bye, now."
I slowly took the paper from the woman's old, shaking hands. I smiled at Mrs. Krisp, then exited out the back doors to the courtyard. No one was around, so I figured school had already started. The school was all outside. I had never heard of an all-outside school before. The thought of it was so bizarre. I had started walking around, looking for my class room, when I was suddenly knocked over. As I started to pick up my backpack, my schedule, and, well, myself, I noticed that there was another girl sitting on the ground, dazed.
"I'm so sorry," I said to her.
The girl shook her head, as if she was trying to wake herself up, then said, "No, no, it was my fault, really. I was a little...distracted. I'm really sorry." She walked over to me and held out her hand to help me up. "I'm Conqet. Conqet Carrison. Who are you?"
"I'm Larara Caneero. Nice to meet you."
"Likewise. Where ya headed?"
"Um..." I said, looking down at my schedule.
Conqet peeked over my shoulder and looked at it, too. "It looks like you're headed to math. You've got it with me. Awesome. C'mon. I'll take you there. We're in Mrs. Smith's class."
"Oh, um...okay..."
It was as though Conqet tried to use as few words as possible. Her sentences were short and to the point. It seemed like forever, but we finally made it to the room. Conqet glanced back at me. I was very nervous. She slowly opened the door, as if trying to make a scene. She walked inside and I closely followed her. A thin, beautiful, brunette woman stood and approached us.
"Larara, this is Mrs. Smith."
"Larara? Hi. It's so nice to meet you."
"Hi.."
"Please...pick a seat!"
"Okay. Thanks."
Conqet showed me to a seat next to hers. There were two other girls sitting nearby - one sitting behind Conqet, the other sitting on the opposite side of her. The one behind her had short blue hair and the other had long reddish-pink hair.
"I'm Kitsune," the blue haired one said. "This is Suna. You must be Larara. We've heard so much about you."
"Really?" I asked, giving Conqet a 'what’s-going-on' look. "How is it that you've heard so much? Conqet hasn't told me about anything she's heard."
Conqet smirked and tried to keep herself from bursting out laughing. "You mean, not that you know of! I'm probably the one here who knows the most about you!"
"Ahem?!" Kitsune coughed.
"Okay...the second person. Better?"
Kitsune nodded. "Much better."
"Um...okay...that's a little scary...but could you just tell me why?!" I asked, feeling a bit freaked out.
"Okay, we'll explain, but first," Suna began. "What's your last name?”
"Caneero," I told her. "Now, tell me why you've heard about me. I didn't even know that any of you existed until today. How do you know me?"
Conqet took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and began: "Long, long ago, there lived a man by the name of Kularoka Caneero. Now, we don't know if he's related to you or not, but it is very likely."
"This man didn't have the best reputation, either," Kitsune added. "In fact, he was downright evil. Everyone hated him. And why?"
"Why?"
"Because he was a vampire, that’s why!" Suna blurted. Conqet and Kitsune shot her a menacing look, but she ignored it, and continued. "Kularoka was a murder, and a damn good one at that. His victims - for the most part - were women. He'd mingle his way into their hearts and then slice his teeth into their throats. Now, you may have heard stories about how when a vampire bites someone, they, too, turn into a vampire, right?"
I nodded.
"Wrong!" Kitsune shouted. I jumped. "Dead wrong! When you get bitten by a vampire, you are good and done for! You've got no chance of survival!"
"Most vampires are male, but recently, there have been rumors of female ones. We only believe them to be rumors, but apparently, they're seen on a rare occasion," said Suna.
"Don't let Kitsune get you all freaked out, though, Larara. I assume the reason Suna mentioned male and female vampires is because there is one - and only one - way to prevent yourself from dying because of a vampire bite," Conqet said.
"Yeah, it's--" Kitsune began.
"I’m saying this one!" Conqet yelled as she slapped her hand over her friend's mouth. "That is if the exact same vampire who bit you kisses you no later than one hour after the bite. So, if you're bitten by a female vampire, you're out of luck, even if you do kiss that vampire."
"Because only male kisses are effective on females, and vice-versa." Suna chimed in.
"Exactly." Conqet said.
"Um, okay, hang on," I said, confused and a little scared. "Back up...you're telling me that vampires actually exist? And you expect me to believe it?"
"What, you don't believe us?" Kitsune asked.
"No, of course not!" I said, crossing my arms.
"Well then, maybe you should come with us sometime," said Conqet with a mysterious smile.
"Go with you...where?"
"On our hunts," said Suna. "We are professional vampire slayers."
"Oh, shut up, Suna! We're not professional anything, we just hunt and kill vampires," Conqet snapped at her. She turned her attention back to me. "If you really want proof, you should come with us."
I smiled fiendishly. "Count me in. When do you guys go next?"
"We go every night," Kitsune said, lowering her voice. "Meet us here, in the courtyard tonight. 8:30. Don't be late."
At that moment, the bell rang, and it was time to switch classes. Conqet and I had every class together, but we only had one other class with Kitsune and Suna. I successfully completed my first day of school in Malibu, California, and I was ready for my big 'adventure' that night.
Last edited by RayneChild on Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:26 pm, edited 7 times in total.




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"Kularoka was a murder, and a damn good one at that.


Lol, I think you meant to put 'murderer'. Not 'murder'

I think it's good!!!! Of course, like you, I love your stories with me in them ^_^. Conquet - (ooops, sorry, I forgot you spell it wrong! Grrrr :smt093) Conqet is SUPER AWESOME!

Anyway, can't wait to read more!!!! (As if I haven't already) :D

P.S. Maybe it's a little weird that Conqet, Kitsune, and Suna tell Larara about this in the classroom. Where they can be heard by everyone.......just a thought, anyway
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Lol. Yes, I meant murderer. I can't believe I never noticed that before!!! Also, about the classroom thing; the picture I had in my mind was that everyone was talking at the same time, so they were having their own quiet little conversation in the corner (or where ever their desks are). Thanks for the critique!!!
Singing: It's more than my forte; it's my fortissimo
---
They say "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
Well, I think guns help. If you just stand there and yell BANG I don't think you're going to kill too many people...




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So I critiqued your first part, and I was curious, so here I am critiquing it again! Its still really early (three) in the morning...so I may get temper-mental, nit picky, misspelling things while correcting your spelling. Just be warned and keep that in mind. You don't have to take any of my suggestions, so take nothing personally.
Onward the the critique:

The next morning, my alarm clock rang at 7:00. I lazily turned the annoying beeping noise off and rolled out of bed. I shuffled to the bathroom and took a shower. It took a hot shower to actually wake up and realize that it was Monday - my first day of school. I hurriedly got dressed and ready. When I got downstairs, I went into the kitchen and quickly poured myself a bowl of cereal.

First of all, I envy her because she can get up at seven for school. But that's irrelevant So shower was repeated twice here. To fix it, I'd change the second shower to 'water' and the a before it to 'the'.

The next thing I knew, I was standing outside my new high school. I was hesitant at first, but I finally began walking toward the building. I entered the office and confronted the old woman sitting at the front desk.
"Excuse me," I said calmly. The elderly woman didn't seem to notice, so I asked a little more loudly. "Excuse me...?"
The old woman jumped back, sending pencils, pens, and loose pieces of paper flying everywhere.

Old Woman + Elderly woman + Old Woman in a small word/paragraph radius = extremely repetitive. Old and elderly are the same thing. I give you credit, you used a simile so that doesn't bother me much. However, you've definitely made your point that she's old. A little too well. Maybe take out one or substitute it.
Woman is also repetitive. Try lady, secretary, anything! (but not lady in the very last one, because you use it in the next paragraph. The first, perhaps?
"What?! What?! What is it?!" The lady screeched.

I like this character already. She's odd already, and I like her just because she's odd. Old, easily startled, hard of hearing, lady with a southern accent. I don't see that often. Yay!

Obviously, she hadn't noticed that someone was standing there because she looked around frantically, which, in turn, caused her glasses [s](which were on a chain around her neck)[/s] to fall. She then looked up at me. I smiled nervously.


She flung her head in all directions looking for the glasses that were strung around her neck.

I'd nix the first part mentioning her glasses because it is mentioned in the paragraph below (I decided to put it in quotes too) and I think it sounds much better in the second paragraph.

I rolled my eyes, which eventually landed on some kids standing in another doorway, watching me intently.

How could they see her roll her eyes? And if they did, would they really care enough to just watch her? I mean,, tons of people roll their eyes. I'm not even in high school yet, and no one really pays attention if someone rolls their eyes. Are you trying to foreshadow the 'people watching her, and knowing about her thing?' If so, you could say something like 'from the doorway, a student watched me intently, though I wasn't sure why. Did they see me roll my eyes? Would they really even care? I wasn't sure, so I looked away, embarrassed.'

The school was all outside. I had never heard of an all-outside school before. The thought of it was so bizarre.

Could you describe this a little more? Pretty please? I'm confused on what an all-outside school is like. If I knew what it was, I might be able to figure out a better way of describing it, because right now, I'm utterly confused.

The girl shook her head, as if she was trying to wake herself up, then said, "No, no, it was my fault, really. I was a little...distracted. I'm really sorry." She walked over to me and held out her hand to help me up.

I know this is really not convenient, but wouldn't she be in a hurry? I know that she has to meet Larara, so maybe there's a more hurried introduction and then she asks where she's headed? It seems as if she wouldn't be all 'Well, let me just meet this person before I go to class, which I'm already late to.'


The one behind her had short blue hair and the other had long reddish-pink hair.




"Um...okay...that's a little scary...but could you just tell me why?!" I asked[s] , feeling a bit freaked out[/s].

We already know that she's freaked. We see that she's freaked. No need to tell us something you just showed us.

"Okay, we'll explain, but first," Suna began. "What's your last name?”

First off, I'm confused that they could no so much about her when they just met her. Yes, I know. The legend. But the said that they have heard things. Which I guess I get. The legend. But how could they be sure of stuff when they don't even know her last name?



"I’m saying this one!" Conqet yelled as she slapped her hand over her friend's mouth. "That is if the exact same vampire who bit you kisses you no later than one hour after the bite. So, if you're bitten by a female vampire, you're out of luck, even if you do kiss that vampire."
"Because only male kisses are effective on females, and vice-versa." Suna chimed in.

Me= Majorly confused. I know its early in the morning, but I think I'd be confused after twelve hours of sleep.
I get the theory with the biting and being kissed. What I don't get is how someone could be bitten by a female vampire and not survive (even when the person is a male and was kissed). How would this make female vampires rare? Can female vampires only hunt other women? *totally and utterly confused*


every class together

I found this really unlikely. Last year I only had four classes where I wasn't with my best friend, and that was the most classes I shared with any of my friends. For the sake of realistic-ness maybe they have a couple of classes alone, or something. If this has happened to you or one of your friends then you have proven me wrong, but it just struck me as odd.

I accidentally deleted this part, I'm afraid. But there was a part where Conquet introduces Larara and Mrs. Smith. To me this is awkward because it makes it seem that Conquet knows Mrs. Smith better than she does and that Mrs. Smith is her best friend and everything seems way less formal. And also, wouldn't Mrs. Smith introduce herself? It seems really odd that she would just stand there, waiting to be introduced.

Her Dad. Still no word of him?
So I know that you really wouldn't be able to edit him in because I just critiqued your last part and said the same thing. I was hoping that there would be a little clue to what happened to him as we went later on. Is he a vampire and he disappeared? Did her mother barely escape with her mortality and wanted to get away from him so they divorced?
Yeah... Whether it pertains to the story or not, I'm curious.

Characters
I like your characters a lot! Especially Conquet who seems really awesome (I can't help but to point this out again.) You even paid attention to the lady at the front desk by giving her some really funny quirks.

Talking in the Classroom?
This was already pointed out, but you could just tell us that they were all talking or something so that I don't get this image of everyone-even the teacher- listening to their 'private' conversation, which happens during dead silence.

Description. With me and the waiter once more
Waiter: Here's the story, with more description.
Me: *skims through it* This simply will not do
Waiter:What do you mean? I took it directly to the author and said that a reader was not satisfied with the description. There is more description. Isn't that what you wanted?
Me:Why yes it was, but it still won't do.
Waiter: *confused look*
Me: The author did add description. Yes. I'm proud of her. Description is good. But the thing is, she described everyone except for the main character, the main character's mother, and (what i think will be) her best friend. Does she feel like she must take extra time and give the non main character a description so they feel special? The main character needs a description. Seriously. I'm beggining to wonder. Is the main characters hair color purple? Simple things like this make a book really good.
Waiter: Alright *takes book back*
~~
Yeah. I know. Odd way to say what I'm getting at. But its four now. I'm tired. But:
The one behind her had short blue hair and the other had long reddish-pink hair.

You described the other friends. The front desk lady. Even her teacher. But do you describe the more important characters? No. I think they want some description. Please (with sugar on top) give it to them?

Overall
I liked this part waaaay more than the first. I'm intrigued to see where your going with this. It really really is good and has a lot of potential.

Feel free to take my suggestions or leave them. PM me if you have any questions because I'm sure that this is really rambley and possibly hard to get what I'm trying to say.
~MidnightV
I realized that I said I'd be gone for only two weeks...but I was gone for much longer.I hope to stay on this time. :)




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Ok um vampire slayers :shock: <_< >_> I'll read on but <_< >_> ok. Though I must say its better and easier reading than most authors out there(I've said that so much on this site and its true).



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