Summer Serenity Part 1

I'm writing this story about a camp that I am going to with my friend it's what I want to happen but I'm not sure if it will. So here it is, I hope you like it.

PART 1:

"Molly! It's nine in the morning. Wake up!" Molly opened the door of the hotel room her mother and her were sharing, in only her Michigan sweatshirt and rainbow sweatpants.
"I'm awake Jake."
"Well, your not dressed.."
"I know, I was watching cartoons!" she smiled at him laughing a little.
"Oh, just go get dressed." Jake leaned toward her, kissed her forehead lightly and whispered "hurry".
Molly smiled and lightly blushed.
She then turned and went back inside to change, while Jake leaned against the wall outside the door.
A few minutes later, the door opened again. Molly stepped out of the room in her black tank top, jeans, and favorite black Vans on.
"Okay Jake, why did you take me away from cartoons?"
"Oh, if you want you can go back and watch them..I just thought..you wanted your present.."
"Present? What present? I told you, I didn't want anything!"
Jake held up a little white box and smiled "You know I don't listen, want to see?"
Molly waited for a second and then sighed.
"Yea i want to see it" Jake chuckled and opened the box, pulling out a sparkling new chain.
Molly looked at him confused "Whats that?"
"Well, I heard your chain was rusty..." He lifted up the rusty chain, with Molly's mood ring strung onto it, "want the new one?"
"Sure" Jake smiled and took her necklace off her, restrung the mood ring onto the new chain, and put the new necklace on her.
Molly turned and smiled at her amazing new boyfriend. "Thanks Jakey"
"No problem Molly, now come on."
"What? Why? Where are we going?"
"Ha ha, you don't want to meet Julian and Miranda?"
"Oh..right..let's go.."
"You okay?"
"Yea I'm fine, let's go." She started to turn to go, but stopped and hugged Jake tight. "okay now I'm good" Jake chuckled again, took her hand, and they started off towards the stairs.

Hmm... okay, interesting. Just try adding some punctuation to the dialogue, to make it easier to read-

Molly it's nine in the morning wake up!" Molly opened the door of the hotel room her mother and her were sharing in her Michigan sweatshirt and rainbow sweatpants
"I'm awake Jake"
"Well your not dressed.."

"Molly, It's nine in the morning, wake up!"
Molly opened the door of the hotel room she and her mother were sharing, wearing only her michigan sweatshirt and rainbow sweatpants.
"I'm awake, Jake."
"Well... you're not dressed..."

Kinda thing, you know?

"I know, I was watching cartoons" she smiled big with her teeth showing

This is awkward to read.
Try "I know, I was watching cartoons." She flashed a smile, showing straight, white teeth.
Or crooked or stained or just teeth. Whatever.

Oh just go get dressed" Jake leaned toward her, kissed her forehead lightly and whispered "hurry" Molly smiled and lightly blushed turned and went back inside to change while Jake leaned against the wall outside the door.

Now this is a long sentence. I shall pass on something my father told me- A sentence is an idea. If you have two ideas in a sentence, then break it into two sentences.
So-
"Oh, just go get dressed." Jake leaned towards her, kissing her forehead lightly.
"Hurry." He whispered.
Molly smiled and blushed lightly. She turned and went back inside to change, leaving Jake leaning against the wall outside the door.

Jake held up a little white box and smiled "You know I don't listen, want to see?" Molly waited for a second and then sighed

Check your punctuation.
Jake held up a little white box and smiled. "You know I don't listen, want to see?"
Molly waited for a second and then sighed.

Just watch for punctuation throughout the piece.
The plot was cute. I don't usually read romantic pieces, but it wasn't too mushy for my taste. Just work on using sentences effectively and don't forget; commas are your friend! ^^

Improved, though now I can see a few things that don't quite work.

She didn't say thank you for her chain. She doesn't seem unpolite, so I would have thought it a natural part of the conversation.

Then, turned and went back inside to change, while Jake leaned against the wall outside the door.

This sentence sounds strange, now. Try what I do- I say each sentence aloud, and add commas where I naturally want to pause.
So I would write
"She then turned and went back inside to change, while Jake leaned against the wall outside the door."

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW You and jake! Tell jake i said hi Molls!

alyssa