Heartache's Victim

Hi! I wasn't sure about this at first because of its structure (lots of questions!), but there are elements that could make a good poem.

Why is Cupid
So cruel as to take you away from me?
Why does Fate
Think that I can live without you?
Why does Spite
Laugh cruelly in my face?
Why are the happy couples
So unaware of my misery?

From the first two lines we know the tone is going to be slightly melodramatic. (Please don't be offended!) This might put some readers off - I wasn't keen on it at first - but I like the 'Spite' image, and how you capitalise it and 'Fate' and 'Cupid' to almost turn them into characters. I think the happy couples image could be cut. Also, the line breaks jar a little. You could simply structure it:

Why is Cupid so cruel as to take you away from me?
Why does Fate think that I can live without you?
Why does Spite laugh cruelly in my face?

After a couple of reads I can appreciate this first stanza more, but I'm not entirely sure if it's original enough to capture a reader's attention immediately.

Why do I breathe
When there is nobody to breathe for?
Why does my heart beat
When it has forgotten how to love?

The speaker seems still very much in love with this person, so I'd either work on the tone of the poem or cut those last two lines.

Why does my blood flow
When I feel dead?
Why do I wake up
When there is no one beside me?

I don't like the first two lines there, though I can't put my finger on why. They don't have much impact on me.

Why do I mourn you
When you are still alive?
Why do I cry
When I have no more tears to give?
Why can't I sleep
When the sun has abandoned me?
Why am I alone
When all I ever did was love you?

Your strongest stanza by a mile. This would actually work well as an ironic poem, mocking 'traditional' love poetry, even if that's not how you intended it. The reason I say so, is that you take traditional images (the sun disappearing, can't sleep, cried so many tears) and manage to change them a little. (Except for the 'tears' section - it's not very strong.) You link the sun and sleep images, which is great. I love the first two lines there, and also quite like the last two lines on reflection, despite the fact that they have been heard before.

If you were going to edit this, I would suggest taking the more original elements of your poem, cutting the clichés and refining it a little.

Keep writing!

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