The Birth of the War Age

Can you please comment on my story. I worked really hard on it, but I don't think its really good.




This story is about a game called War Hammer 40000 but the story was written by me.






Hermanin journal or last memories in his mined of the Beginning of the War Age:


It was a couple hours before New Years. The year was 39,999. It should have been a celebration for Earth. Nobody could not wait to celebrate our planets 40,000 birthday; but couple weeks ago something happened.


Their was a little group of people called the “Brainy Boys.” They created something glorious at first. In time it started to swell in a hole. The creation was an “Ork.” That could repair almost anything and could fight like a Spartan. The Orks got so smart that they decided to take over Earth.


As I said it was couple ours before New Years, I and the last squad of Space Marines (special unit) were getting ready for the last battle of London not knowing this will be our actual last battle. Our mission was to get to the top of the highest mountains in London and make a huge explosion in the center of the city to give a signal to the US Imperial Guards (ordinary soldiers) for an assault on London( in fact we were more then half way up).


We were commanded by Sgt. Leo. As soon we got to the city on top of the mountain. It was quiet, too quiet… there was nothing but dead bodies of fallen humans and orks. As my friend knelled down he started to pray for the poor people that died. All of a sudden my friend Tilden and I heard a movement behind a small blown up Ork chopper as we both slowly walked up behind the vehicle our eyes got stuck on a grenade. “Run!!!” I yelled.

As the grenade blew up I could feel metal and dust flying on top of my head, but that was not the worst part; a huge army of Orks ran out of the buildings. I could hear shouts of dying orks. I grabbed my chain sword and ran looking for Tilden next thing I saw was him getting back on his feet ”Thank you God.” I whispered. I ran up to him, but it was too late an ork came up to him first from the back and sliced him in two with his axe. Their was pause in my life for a momentary my tears started oozing out of my eyes I felt like screaming and that’s what happened I rushed to him fast as I can his 3 comrades tried to save him but I dogged them, as one of the orks tried to shoot me from the back, but I turned around too quickly and punched him in the face with my metal fist. I grabbed his gone that flew in the air, stuck it to his belly button and pressed the trigger. Next thing I new their was a platoon of orks coming at me. I and some other space marines fired at them. Just when I turned to my left side I saw orks jumping in the air, but their luck flew away next second they were all on fire running around and screaming in agony. I look back and saw one of my troops with the flame thrower. He winked at me and I did the same back. I continued to fire but they were getting closer and closer the space marines were pulled down to the ground by the bullets. I saw one of them running on fire as well. Then I remembered the soldier that was burning in flames was that soldier that just saved my life. I came up to him and shot him in the head to get him out of his pain. All of a sudden I felt something strange within myself I was weak and I felt pain in my chest, it felt like something was spilling out of me (blood) I looked behind and…….. Life ended.


Sgt. Leo journal or last memories in his mined of the Beginning of the War Age:


Their was no time. My men were blown away by the orks. I ran to a little half wiped out building with my last men.

” How much troops do we have left?”

“10 Sgt. Leo.”

“We won’t make it !” one of them yelled in a horrified voice.

“I have to get to the center of city and give our men a signal!” I yelled tying to over scream the explosions of shells.

One of them came up to me and said” I will fight on you side sir.”

It was time to finish the mission that we have started.

I and my men ran out the door. I could feel blood spraying all over me from the other comrades. I grabbed two chain swords and ran at a squad of orks well soldiers my other men covered me as they got shot as well. When I got write in front of the group I rolled between an 9 feet tall ork lags and stabbed between him and cut him in half from the middle. Then I jumped in the air and stabbed another ork on the top of his head. As I dropped my twp swords I kicked one of them in the gut and grabbed the machine gun that he was holding. Then I stuck it under an orks chin and fired. The street was cleared I had only 3 soldiers left. We skipped down the street somewhere a mile. I did not exactly understand what happened but I was pushed to the ground by my own war brother. ‘What the…” but something made me stop finishing my sentence. Something hard fell on me it was the soldier. He risked his life, he ran in front of me to get shot by the ork sniper, but before he fell he had in of strength to throw a grenade at the ork. I and my last 2 space marines got to the center of the village on the top of the mountain in London. The two men started to cover well I turned on the bomb. The entire sudden one of them got shot in the heart, so he decided to run at the ork squad holding a grenade the explosion was so huge that I could not hear a thing my ears were covered in blood. I and the last soldier got to cover behind a truck.

“I am dieing sir.” He said in a whisper

“‘What are you talking about?” he slowly pointed to a whole in his neck. Seeing this I started to cry. “I wan to kick some ork ass!” he yelled with his last strength.

I nodded at him and we ran in the same time. Bullets were flying everywhere I knew that I am going to die so I programmed the boom on 3 sec, so I and you young boy would die faster as I looked at my watch it was 2 sec before New Year I cried from joy….. I will be remembered.


As soon the soldiers died Earth was 40,000 years old. It was called the War Age.

Ok so, its really late and I only got a tiny fraction of critique done! There will be more to come, so be ready! I just wanted to let you know that I'm not trying to sound harsh here! Promise! I'm just doing my best to help you out! I put a lot of 'This is what I would write' in there. One more thing.......YOU MUST ADD DETAILS!!!!!!! Lol

As I said it was couple ours before New Years, I and the last squad of Space Marines (special unit) were getting ready for the last battle of London not knowing this will be our actual last battle.

Comma after said; ‘ours’ is supposed to be ‘hours’; I noticed that you put I in front of other people. I mean, put other people and then I. (Example: I and my friend (WRONG!) My friend and I (RIGHT!) Take out the parenthesis that have special unit inside them. If you desperately want to note that they are a special unit, add it in somewhere else. Comma after London. It would sound better if you took out actual. And if you’re main character doesn’t know if this will be their last battle, make sure you put ‘not knowing if this will be…’

It was quiet, too quiet… their was noting but dead bodies of fallen humans and orks.

Wrong form of ‘their’. You did this quite a lot in your story. The correct form here is ‘there’. Change ‘noting’ to ‘nothing’. Be more descriptive about the surrounding area. Lead up to the dead bodies instead of just saying it like that.

All of a sudden I and my friend Tilden heard a movement behind a small blown up Ork chopper as I and Tilden walked up behind the vehicle our eyes got stuck on a grenade.

I would write it like this; My friend, Tilden, and I heard some movement behind a small, blown up ork chopper. As Tilden and I walked up to the vehicle, our eyes froze at the sight of a grenade.

As the grenade blew up I could feel metal flying on top of my head, but that was not the worst part; a huge army of Orks ran out of the buildings

This is how I’d write it; As the grenade blew up, I felt pieces of metal hit the top of my head, each piece tearing through my skin like a freshly sharpened knife. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the worst to come. As I skidded to a stop on the cold, rocky ground, a huge army of Orks began flooding out of the buildings. Or at least something like that. ADD MORE DETAILS! DETAILS ARE YOUR FRIENDS! THEY ARE IMPORTANT! Lol.

I could hear shouts of dying orks.

It seems just put there. Try saying that they were coming from inside the building or be a little more detailed. Or maybe even put this sentence before you’re previous one!

I grabbed my chain sword and ran looking for Tilden next thing I saw was him getting back on his feet ”Thank you God.” I whispered.

This is how I’d rewrite it; I grabbed my chain sword and hysterically began looking around for Tilden. I was relieved when I found him. He seemed to be in pretty good condition as he struggled to his feet. “Thank you, God,” I whispered.

I ran up to him, but it was too late an ork came up to him first from the back and sliced him in two with his axe. Their was pause in my life for a momentary my tears started oozing out of my eyes I felt like screaming and that’s what happened I rushed to him fast as I can his 3 comrades tried to save him but I dogged them, as one of the orks tried to shoot me from the back but I turned around to quickly and punched him in the face with my metal fist.

This is how I’d rewrite it; I ran up to him, ready to ask if he was ok enough to go back into the battle. I never got my chance. An ork holding an axe which shined in the sun’s light, came up from behind and sliced his body in half. There was a pause in my life for a moment as tears began trickling from the sides of my eyes. (Oozing is kind of a weird adjective when describing tears) His body fell limply to the ground, both halves literally gushing blood. A scream formed in my throat as I raced toward the ork, ready to kill him. Three of his comrades jumped out at me from behind rocks and bushes, attempting to stop me. I easily dodged them. One of the orks tried to shoot me in the back, but I was fast enough to turn around and punch him in the face with my metal fist before he could do any damage to my body.

I grabbed his gone that flew in the air, stuck it to his belly button and pressed the trigger.

This is how I’d write it; I grabbed his gun which he had thrown into the air and held it at his belly button. With an evil smirk, I pulled the trigger.

Next thing I new their was a platoon of orks coming at me.

Wrong form of new. Correct form ‘knew’. Comma after knew. Wrong form of their. Correct form ‘there’

I and some other space marines fired at them.

‘Some of the space marines and I’. Idk if space marines should be capitalized or not. I think it should……but I’m not sure…..





*Takes a huge breath* Ok, so I think this might be an interesting story. Just add details. Like I said DETAILS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!!! It's a little confusing too, try to fix that with more details and better word choice. Don't use such bland words. Try spicing things up! Look in a thesaurus of you need help. or go to Thesaurus.com. Whatever you do, be ready for my next critique! This ain't the only one!

P.S. I noticed you jump around with tenses. Sometime you talk about the situation as a part event and sometimes you talk about it as if it's a present event. Fix that!

I did a lot what you said and thankyou.