Vampires are not scary!

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Points 300
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"Yuki, sweetie open your present from us," she spoke smooth as always.
"Okay," I yawned and saw something dark, like a shadow with no one to claim it. I slowly put my arms down as my father handed me a present. It was cubed wrapped in a Gothic wrapping. The black bats danced upon the wrapping.

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That's what I remember from it I'll write more once my teacher gives me back my notebook.
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Gender Female
Points 926
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Well...I can't really give you any feedback on this because it is only 5 sentences. Maybe you should have waited for your teacher to give you your notebook back before you posted it, but that is just my opinion.

If you'd like, I will critique the rest when you post it. PM me when the rest is posted.

-Venom
A friend will take you to CVS to buy a pregnancy test...

A best friend will stand outside the bathroom screaming, "NAME IT AFTER ME!"




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You should make it longer. Edit it. You are 15 years old you shouldn't be that lazy. I mean, I am 13 and I am writeing more then 10 page story. This is only a little introduction.
Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you




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Oh that was a burn.......geeze thats gotta hurt the ego. Anyway I thought the five lines you gave were fine. I'm gonna have to go with the first person that commented, though. I really can't go on anything to review with. Oh well, it sounds like it might be something nice.....
If I can impact one person, just one, with my writing before I die, then I've lived a great life




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make sure you do reviews before you post!!!

2 Reviews per story/pic post

Enjoy YWS

Hey In_the_Moonlight we seem to be following each other
Searching For An Explanations...
http://www.realityhitchhiker.blogspot.com/




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Gender Male
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Dude, this is a VERY short piece of work and doesn't exactly give me much to review or critique at all. It is, as the others before me have all pointed out, only five lines long and shows nothing of the plot. You're wasting your points here. I mean, it takes 150 points to make a post of any length (usually) so you might as well make it longer!
The corpses are piled high around. Blood carpets the floor and flames scorch away the last remnants of humanity. The screams of the damned echo in my head. I smile. I am home.




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Points 1122
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There's not much to say. I will be looking for this when you've re-written it. Tell your teacher to zip up the man-pants and hurry up!
I would CHANGE THE TITLE. "Vampires Are Not Scary" is really weak, cause they are, hate to bust your bubble. So I would change it to fit your storyline. :D



No, it's not that you didn't succeed. You accomplished a lot, but, if you want to touch people, don't concentrate so much on rhyme and metre. Think more about what you want to say instead of how you're saying it.
— LCDR Geordi La Forge