The Coming of Vatalinos (Section 1)

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A grassy knoll sprouted a green lushness that only summers in Aireslertt could produce. The grass seemed to whisper with pleasure as the breeze that carried a touch of cool air drifted over the hill and washed across the two young women who lazed up it. One of the pair sighed in delight with the land when the breeze came to touch its cool tendrils upon her warm skin. All her dreams and all her pleasures were before her now, her children, husband and home. She turned her attention to the first, the three young children who scampered after butterflies always just out of reach. The youngest one found a small yellow butterfly sitting atop a fuzzy dandelion. Crouching low, the child snuck up then pounced at his prey. With hands cupped over his prize, the young boy sat back on his little bum and peered into the crack between his hands. A look of sheer disappointment swept across his face as he opened his hands to find them empty. It looked as if he was going to cry, but then another butterfly fluttered before him and he was off on the chase of the bigger bug. Mya started to laugh as her son Ernest waddled on legs that were still too small for such games.

Looking farther down the grassy slope to the tree line, Mya saw her husband, Lorcont, barter with Mefarr, one of the local farmers, for a portion of his flock of sheep. They had hoped they would be able to get their own flock started that spring, but after an unusually fierce winter, the potential sheep for buying went down in numbers as the price of them went up. Her husband was now trying not to let their dreams be damaged by the unfortunate turn of fate.

Mya then shifted her gaze higher to just past the slim forest that divided the grazing land from the town to their newly constructed home. She and Lorcont had not been married for more that four years and their little home seemed like the perfect place to start their growing family.

Not wanting her friend Laynah to miss this perfect picture, she turned to poke her but instead groaned. Laynah was already staring off into the distance, but not at the children or the men, not even at their village. Instead her young friend was longingly gazing beyond Aireslertt, and even beyond Testaille, the land just past Aireslertt, into the land of her dreams, Nidowabliss Leisaltec just called Nidowabliss by most. Ever since they were young, Laynah had wanted nothing else but to leave their little village of Thear to travel to the land where it is said that the mystical creatures of old still live protected by the Leisalteces, the people of Nidowabliss.

Hearing her friend’s groan and knowing its meaning, Laynah said, “Mya, you are a beautiful young woman who has attained all she has ever dreamed of. You have three healthy children and a wealthy husband who has built you a home. A lovely home that is situated in the village of your birthplace, a village that has remained dear to you despite its. . . peculiar people. I need not remind you I have neither dreamed of nor attained such contentment with this place nor with what it has to offer. Please do not begrudge me of my dreams simply because they do not resemble you own. I know that deep down, very deep down, even to the cockles of your heart, you could never want me to stay here and watch my dreams dissipate into long ago wishes. Besides, now is the perfect time for me to leave. I am sixteen, not married, a disgrace to my family, and at the peak of youth – the perfect time to go on an adventure. On top of that, Duleve of Felicrith is back and wants to make me another one of his many wives.” Laynah finished with an overdone players bow dramatically whispering her thanks to an imaginary crowed as Mya silently lamented the display.

“You’re right, I don’t want to hold you from your dreams, or send you to the doom that would come with Duleve as a husband, but I do want to keep you safe from harm, and that means to keep you from going alone. The road through Aireslertt and Testaille is a dangerous one even for the most trail hardened folk. I suppose that deep withing the very cockles of my heart– as you so elegantly put it– I have always known that you would leave me one day. That is why I wrote to my cousin who lives in Mlevoy. His family caravan travels into Testaille but once a year to trade with the people there. He wants to leave the caravan when they get to the border to travel to Nidowabliss by himself, but frankly such a trip is costly and – though he is no beggar– he can not afford to make the trip, not without some financial help. Now I know that because you are female, you have no income of your own, but your father....” Mya left her last hope hanging in the air, knowing if she was to finish it, it would sound too distasteful for Laynah’s proud ears.

Moments passed by as Laynah debated on the decision that would change the balance of her life forever. Knowing that she could not reach her dreams by herself put this new proposition in a new light. Even if you agree there is no telling if your father will, snapped the more sensible part of her. But I must try or I will never reach anything, retorted the larger part of her will. “How much time do I have?”

Mya finally let out her breath; it had worked. “He will be here within days!”




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:D VERY GOOD!!! I really like it!! I can't wait to find out what happens! I want Kate to give me the whole book!! Haha!! It is a very good start to a story!! Keep writing!!

Kat




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Amora wrote:A grassy knoll sprouted a green lushness that only summers in Aireslertt could produce. The grass seemed to whisper with pleasure as the breeze that carried a touch of cool air drifted over the hill and washed across the two young women who lazed up it. One of the pair sighed in delight with the land when the breeze came to touch its cool tendrils upon her warm skin. All her dreams and all her pleasures were before her now, her children, husband and home. She turned her attention to the first, the three young children who scampered after butterflies always just out of reach. The youngest one found a small yellow butterfly sitting atop a fuzzy dandelion. Crouching low, the child snuck up then pounced at his prey. With hands cupped over his prize, the young boy sat back on his little bum and peered into the crack between his hands. A look of sheer disappointment swept across his face as he opened his hands to find them empty. It looked as if he was going to cry, but then another butterfly fluttered before him and he was off on the chase of the bigger bug. Mya started to laugh as her son Ernest waddled on legs that were still too small for such games.


Positively descriptive. Really paints a picture in my head. Good use of imagery. However, this paragraph is a little long. I'm not saying you have to shorten it, but that you could seperate it into to two seperate paragraphs. There's two subjects here, so that would make this chapter be more organized.

Also:

Amora wrote:She turned her attention to the first, the three young children who scampered after butterflies always just out of reach.


Sounds kind of sloppy. Try: She turned her attention to the first, her three young children, who scampered after butterflies always just out of reach.

Amora wrote:She and Lorcont had not been married for more that four years and their little home seemed like the perfect place to start their growing family.


Just a little typo. That should be than.

Please do not begrudge me of my dreams simply because they do not resemble you own.


Another typo. You should be you're.

Laynah finished with an overdone players bow dramatically whispering her thanks to an imaginary crowed as Mya silently lamented the display.


Crowed should be crowd.

I suppose that deep withing the very cockles of my heart–


Within.

A good start for a story. Not too long and not too short. Also, I like Layna's character.



If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang