Runaway

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and then she was gone

She chose to walk alone.
The others watched in a distance.
She wished she were a bird ,
So she can fly away.

The others whispered about her,
Some claimed she was already dead.
One said she wanted to die.
The last said she wanted free,
To fly away,

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.

But one autumn day,
They woke,
And found,
That she was gone.

The trees stand witness.
The sky would never tell.
The grass didn't move.
And the ones who witnessed it said.....

At the break of dawn,
She walked outside,
Opened her arms to the breeze.
And we closed out eyes,
And then she was gone,

One autumn day,
She left us all alone.

Blood shed tears and pained memories.

No one had ever guessed the reason she has left.
But one autumn day she opened our eyes .
And taught us how to see.
What was right in front of us.
Last edited by Sincerly_I_Write on Mon Nov 03, 2008 10:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Wow that was pretty good! It is so emotional, and it has a hidden message within it.. the only part i can critique is:

"Some say she wished to hard"

"Some say she wished to long"

The too's are wrong.. you said to, but its too..

other than that, its great!
I came into this world wrinkled and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world wrinkled and ugly. So I enjoy life.




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Hello! I think that your poem tells a wonderful story! There were a few minor spelling errors, but other than that, i think it could be one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read!

Keep Writing!
Serena Shaw,
SDG




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Reviews 80
She chose to walk alone
the others watched in a distance
she wished she were a bird
so she can fly away
the others whispered about her
some claimed she was already dead
one said she wanted to die
the third said she wanted free
to fly away

<Need Punctuation>

some say she wished to hard
some say she wished to long

<'to' should be 'too'

but one autumn day
they woke
and found
that she was gone

<Punctuation>

the trees stand witness
the sky would never tell
the grass didn't move
and the ones who witnessed it said.....

<Punctuation>

at the break of dawn
she walked outside
opened her arms to the breeze
and we closed out eyes
and then she was gone

<Punctuation>

one autumn day
she left us all alone

<Punctation>

blood shed tears and pained memories

<Odd?>

no one had ever guessed the reason she has left
but one autumn day she opened our eyes
and taught us how to see
what was right in front of us

<Punctuation>


Unless you couldn't tell, you NEED punctuation, capitalization, and spelling! Please, go back and edit this. Without proper grammar, your poem seems sloppy. I can't even comment on the content of the poem which I found to be interesting. Please, go back and edit this. It will do you and it a great amount of good.




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Yayness, Poetry! XD

Anyway, the only thing that I could spot that nobody mentioned was that you need to work on you stanza spacing. For example,

She chose to walk alone

the others watched in a distance

she wished she were a bird

so she can fly away

the others whispered about her

some claimed she was already dead

one said she wanted to die

the third said she wanted free

to fly away
seems a bit too long compared to the rest of the poem. Asides from that, good job!

Oh, and welcome to The YWS!

Edit: You also need to capitalize the first word in each line.




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Hey! Awesome job! There's only two little things that I would suggest,

[quote="Sincerly_I_Write"][u][b]and then she was gone[/b][/u]

the others whispered about her
some claimed she was already dead
one said she wanted to die
the third said she wanted free
to fly away[/quote]

For that little part I got a little confused, so maybe instead of "the thirded said she wanted free" maybe "then another said she wanted to be free"
I'm not sure how you meant it, but theres that.

Another thing is maybe a little more punctuation, as in comas. But that's it, everything else is really good!
~M
TWILIGHT MOVIE 11*21*08
~Molly and Jake~




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I honestly liked it....
It sounds like something that most people are ready to do...or am I the only one? I think that it is very serious and the fact that you gave the tree's, the sky, and the grass personification made the poem very good. The way that it just reached out to me made me want to break down and cry. I read through the whole thing and you kept me into it the whole time. You did have a few typos and you were in the need of some punctuation, but that doesn't really matter. It is the group of words that matter. Are you telling them about the punctuation? Besides, it is better that the people read it in their own way, they can interpret it better. You are a very talented writer. Keep it up!
This is a story about a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world.

In every single letter. In every single word. There will be a hidden message about a boy who loves a girl.




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That was absolutly superb! Utter brilliance and genius. Congratulations!

It sounded so pretty yet there was a touch of sadness shall I say, about it. All round, a beautiful piece.
The opposite of courage is not cowardice but conformity

Bee is in the house bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta