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How it begun


Once thier lived young couple.The frist was Yadoma ,a twelve year old girl.And the second named Yavain a twelelve year old boy.Thay both loved each other so much that thay decided when thay were children that thay would marry each other.After a few years of beeing toghther Yavain wanted to give Yadoma a precent for her sixteenth birthday.So ,he tooked off into the woods were he would find something to make her smile with happiness.He searched for hours intill he found it shining in the light of the moon.A small golden crystal that shined in the moonlight.His heart raced as he tooked the crystal and lefted to Yadoma's party.He was the frist to give his present that day but, should have wished to gone last.As her present was given the crystal begun to change colers.From a light white to a dark black.When she touched the crystal the surroding area started to change.With that last touch Yadoma was changed into a evil creature.Yavain tried to slay the dragon but was helpless by the power of the accient evil.His only wish was to create a reincranation of himself to defeat this evil as he knew that it would survive for many years.As he was slowley tooken over by the power from the beast he tooked his watch and tossed it onto a small dresser.While the evil was weaken it would return in one millon years.

But now ,one million years from that day,the rencarnation has been born and he or she is about to have an amazeing quest filled of good times,bad times,and heartbreaks this is the story of the amazeing angel from heaven.

It's "vulnerable".

How it begun

"Began" and needs a colon or at least a period at the end. It is an introductory sentence, after all.

Once thier lived young couple.

"There" and you need to put "a" between "lived" and "young".

The frist was Yadoma ,a twelve year old girl.

"First". The comma needs to come directly after "Yadoma" and a space before "a". You make it sound like Yadoma is their child. Why not write that "She was Yadoma" instead of "the first"?

And the second named Yavain a twelelve year old boy.

"Twelve".

Thay both loved each other so much that thay decided when thay were children that thay would marry each other.

"They".

After a few years of beeing toghther Yavain wanted to give Yadoma a precent for her sixteenth birthday.

"Being", "together", "present".

So ,he tooked off into the woods were he would find something to make her smile with happiness.

Comma comes after the word, space comes after the comma. When you smile, it's usually with happiness. "Smiling with happiness" is excessive.

He searched for hours intill he found it shining in the light of the moon.

"Until" and you need a comma after "it".

A small golden crystal that shined in the moonlight.

"Shone". "Shined" means "to shine" (as in cleaning) in the past tense.

His heart raced as he tooked the crystal and lefted to Yadoma's party.

"Took", "left for".

He was the frist to give his present that day but, should have wished to gone last.

"First" and the comma goes after "day", not "but".

As her present was given the crystal begun to change colers.

"Began" and it's "colours" or, as you Americans spell it, "colors".

From a light white to a dark black.

White is the ultimate in light and black is the ultimate in dark and therefore you cannot have light white or dark black.

When she touched the crystal the surroding area started to change.

"Surrounding".

Yavain tried to slay the dragon but was helpless by the power of the accient evil.

"Ancient". Woah, what dragon?

His only wish was to create a reincranation of himself to defeat this evil as he knew that it would survive for many years.

"Reincarnation" and that's a dumb wish! He should have wished for a sword!

As he was slowley tooken over by the power from the beast he tooked his watch and tossed it onto a small dresser.

"Slowly", "taken", "the power of the beast", "took".

While the evil was weaken it would return in one millon years.

"Weakened".

But now ,one million years from that day,the rencarnation has been born and he or she is about to have an amazeing quest filled of good times,bad times,and heartbreaks this is the story of the amazeing angel from heaven.

Commas come after the word, spaces come after the commas. "Reincarnation", "amazing", "filled with", you need a space after all commas, you need a pause, comma or period, after "heartbreaks", "amazing". What angel?!

This sounds like a cheap movie blurb, I'm sorry to say. Do you have spell check on your computer? If not, there's one on this site! Let me also remind you that you are supposed to have a 2:1 ratio of reviews and stories. That means 2 reviews, 1 story. Not 1 story, 0 reviews. You have to actually contribute to the community.

The story lacks description, emotion and feeling. I don't know anything about these people except that they decided to get married at twelve (what did their parents have to say about this?) and the girl turned into a dragon who the guy was too wimpy to kill. This story could easily be three times as long. I don't know any scenery AT ALL. You need to reconsider this story and rewrite it. Repost if you wish.

And remember! Two reviews, ONE post. It's for the good of YWS!