The Werewolf's Bite

Please Tell me what you really think of the beginning :]



Prologue

-----------

She felt hands grasp her neck. Unable to move, breathe or scream. Her heart was pounding rapidly in her ears. A face leaned forward, one of which had not been there before. It was not a face of a human but one of a beast. Its fur coat was shaggy and full with such a beautiful golden brown tint to it that she was mesmerized. Its sweet eyes didn't look dangerous. No, they looked mournful, as though they did not want to hurt her. Its eyes were beautiful blue, almost like sea glass. She had never seen any eyes like them before.
The face continued to become closer and closer to hers. Closing her eyes, she heard a low growl than a high pitched yelp, as though someone or something was in pain. Her eyes opened and saw that there was no longer a beast in front of her, but a young man. His hair was the same mesmerizing color, yet now they looked more like silk then they had before.
She was frightened. She wanted to run away, far away but there was something holding her back. Maybe it was that fact that she felt as though the man before her did not want to hurt her or maybe because she had an overwhelming feeling of safety as she stood by the man, but no matter what the reasoning was, she felt compelled to remain where she stood.
The young man continued to lean towards her, just as the beast had done. He released his hands from around her neck and proceeded to try to tuck a strand of her dark brown hair behind her ear. Before he could succeed she reached her hand up and stopped him.
Instead of stopping, he moved his hand to cup her chin. Softly he kissed her on the lips. She was surprised at how soft his lips were.
He pulled away from the kiss and smiled. He started to walked backwards, away from her but not before grabbing her hand and lightly kissing it.
He started to disintegrate, right before her eyes until no trace of him remained except the lingering memory that stained her mind.

Hey, its me again!

I saw your profile and I just thought that I'd check this out. Here's one thing that I found that needs to be fixed immediately.

Its sweet eyes didn't not look dangerous.

Double negative, dear. Either have did not or didn't but not 'didn't not'

Now for the insane compliments:

This was great! I was hooked to the beginning to the end. Now I'm curious so could you pretty please post the next part if you wrote it. I love romantic stories and the way you described the guy turning from wolf to man was good. You're a great writer and I look forward to reading more of your stuff as time progresses. Hope you're enjoying this site.
Good job and keep writing,
~Angel

Angel Of Death:


Thank you so much!
I just fixed that double negitive
and I'm so glad you liked it so much
XD

I really really really like this! I going to read chapter one in a minute after i say that I LOVE THIS! THIS IS REALLY GOOD I REALLY LIKE THIS! Haha =D

WOW! I AM NOW UNDER YOUR SPELL! You HAVE to add more to this! I absolutely loved it! I really love the way the young man transformed from a beast to a human! The title is very catching also! Well it was catching to me anyway because I am into that kind of mythylogical stuff like vampires and werewolves! This is great! I also love the kiss! I think that was the best part of the prologue! You absolutely, positively, must add more! Because if you don't then it will kill me because as I said before I am now under your spell! You are an excellent writer and I look forward to see more of this story! As Angel said before you did have the double negative, but besides that it is GREAT! Good job! KEEP WRITING! I AM BEGGING YOU!

pshhxhoney:
thanks so much!!!
haha
XD

Kiss of life:
thank you so muchh!!!
I will write more soon
and just to tell you
i have chapter 1 up too
XD

WOW!!!!!! I HAVE TO AGREE WITH EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS! IT'S REALLY SOMETHING! I LOVE THE USE OF WORD CHOICE AND ALSO THE GREAT DETAILS. There were a few mistakes, but nothing major. IT'S REALLY VERY INTERESTING THOUGH! I'LL DEFINETALY READ MORE OF THIS!

Oh my goodness!!! This is amazing you must keep working on it, I am so in love with it already. It's so original and out of the ordinary, so much story in such little words. The choice of words is fantastic and the detail pulled me in from the beginning. I am so into the whole werewolf idea! Please I'm on my knees. WRITE MORE!!!I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT AND WHOEVER DOESN'T AGREE NEEDS TO GO TO THE DOCTORS!!!LOL
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy i took my time to read this good luck with future pieces and inform me if you write more!

with all due respect,

Mackenzie

It was a good prolouge that makes you want to know what led up to this moment. Keep the story coming. Now to the critique.

Comma use in the beginning "She couldn't breath, move nor scream." Needs to be a comma after move.

I think you use "he" too much. Broaden your word choice when describing what the young man is doing.

That's about it. Good story.

Hey Ally,

This is my frist review of your work so I will try to be gentle.


I found a looooot of redundancies with word usage.


ie:

Its sweet eyes didn't look dangerous. No, they looked mournful, as though they did not want to hurt her. Its eyes were beautiful blue, almost like sea glass. She had never seen any eyes like them before.

The face continued to become closer and closer to hers. Closing her eyes, she heard a low growl than a high pitched yelp, as though someone or something was in pain. Her eyes opened and saw that there was no longer a beast in front of her, but a young man. His hair was the same mesmerizing color, as were his eyes.

Ok, in the first two paragraphs you used 'eyes' about six times. If you find yourself faced with a situation where you want to describe something, avoid using the same word over and over and over. It gets repetitive, boring and a little exasperating.

Think of other ways to say the same thing.

Your line: Its eyes were beautiful blue, almost like sea glass. She had never seen any eyes like them before.

My version: the pale, blue colored depths of his gaze was enchanting and unlike anything she'd ever seen before.

The transition from beast to man was waaay to quick and unrealistic. Wouldn't she have been freaking out if a massive wolf was on her about to sink its teeth in, and now its suddenly a man? I'd think she'd be screaming - kicking, fighting back, sobbing, anything. Not just laying there noticing his eyes.


The rest of it just got kind of wierd to me. One minute he was ready to rip her throat out, next he's kissing her. It all feels unrealistic and entirely too brief in the description. There's no real thought or feeling explained or shown. Nor was there any description of the surroundings. Is it day or night? Summer or winter? Are they in the middle of the woods? A park? How old is she? What is she doing there?

You don't need to answer all of these, but at least give us more to chew on. Yes, its a prologue, and yes prologues are meant to be more of a teaser, but right now this feels like it is lacking a lot of substance.

He started to disintegrate, right before her eyes until no trace of him remained except the lingering memory that stained her mind.

I liked this line. It was the strongest part of this whole piece.

All in all, not bad but it needs a lot more for it to stand on its own entirely. Keep at it. I look forward to seeing how this will progress.

Cheers,

Sorsha.

Wow! This was really good! For a moment there, I forgot that it was only the prologue! It has so much detail and so much info (in a good way) that it's all a story on its own! The title is very catchy as well. I loved how you described his eyes, 'almost like sea glass.' It creates such a vivid picture and helps the reader better understand not only what his eyes look like, but what she's seeing as she looks into them. You didn't overuse the descriptive words, but you had just enough in there to let the reader know exactly what your talking about. The whole thing was like a movie in my head. Great work, very very good!

Wow, really good!

And that's from someone that doesn't read about werewolves or vampires, or things like that

Sorry, I know I'm a bit late reviewing this. I was just looking through my inbox and saw I was supposed to review this. o_O

Anyway, keep up the good work this is really good!