You have one new message from Joanna

Automated message: Your call has been forwarded to an automated messaging service. ‘Jon Bryant’ is not available to take your call. At the tone, record your message. After you have finished, hang up, or stay on the line to hear more options.

Joanna: Hi Jon, it’s Joanna. I… well, I heard what happened. I just wanted to ask how you’re doing… which I suppose is a pretty useless question in cases like this, huh? So what can I say? I know you’re really close with your family, and I know this is hard, but no one who hasn’t gone through it can know just how hard… I’m completely fudging things now. Just remember I’m always, always here for you. If you need anything at all—and you know I’m not just saying this, I want you to come to me first for anything you want, from cupcakes to drugs. Give me a call if you want to talk.
And Jon—I am so sorry. No one should ever be put through this.


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Note passed, through Joanna, from Missie to Colby: Are you taking notes on the lesson? Mrs. P is such a boring teacher.

Note passed, through Joanna, from Colby to Missie: no kidding, and u can copy my notes l8tr

Note passed, through Joanna, from Missie to Colby: Thnx. Did you hear about what happened, from Melissa?

Note passed, through Joanna, from Colby to Missie: Yeah, through Kris. I was having such a good day, until she txted me

Note passed, through Joanna, from Missie to Colby: I feel so horrible for him

Note passed, through Joanna, from Colby to Missie: makes me wanna buy him one of those big turtles

Note passed, through Joanna, from Missie to Colby: do you know if he’s gonna come back to work?

Note passed, through Joanna, from Colby to Missie: at least not for a while I’m sure. He hates his job though, ya know

Note passed from Joanna to Missie: who’re you guys talking about?

Note passed from Missie to Joanna: Jon B.

Note passed, though Joanna, from Colby to Missie: Don’t Read This One Joa!
What’s the matter with Joa, Miss?

Note passed, though Joanna, from Missie to Colby: Or This One
idk, she just asked who we were talking about, and I told her

Note passed, through Joanna from Colby to Missie: it’s just too awful though. He was always so close with his family

Note passed, though Joanna, from Missie to Colby: I know did you ever see it on the news?

Note passed, through Joanna, from Colby to Missie: I might have and not realized it. cause stuff like this happens all the time, ya know?

Note passed, through Joanna, from Missie to Colby: He lives on my street. I saw the police cars and ambulances and stuff, but I didn’t know what was going on, not then

*Bell rings*


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Text from Jon to Joanna: Please come by when u can. I rly need some1 2 talk 2. I love my family but I jst need 2 talk w/ some1 who isnt part of it if u wouldnt mind

* * * * *

To: perry-mfwln@gmail.com

From: Joanna Priest

Subject: Jon

Hey Perry.
Have you talked to Jon yet? I had a long conversation with him the other day, and this is just so, so rough on him… of course. I think he’ll pull through in the end, but you never know when things could take a turn for the worst.
I’ve been txting him every day, and if he doesn’t answer within a couple hours, I call him, then I call his house. I’m not worried he’ll follow his father’s example. The problem is, like I said, you never know.
Get back to me soon, please?

~Jo

* * * * *

To: ijoa66@hotmail.com

From: Perry Jonas

Subject: Re: Jon

I see what yer saying, JP, and yer right. I talked to him Monday, but not since. Gonna call him tonight. I might ‘remind’ a couple more people to send him a message or a hundred.
Let me know if anything important comes up.

Yours,
Perry

P.S. Chillax, I’m not gonna go overboard


To: perry-mfwln@gmail.com

From: Joanna Priest

Subject: Jon

Hey Perry.
Have you talked to Jon yet? I had a long conversation with him the other day, and this is just so, so rough on him… of course. I think he’ll pull through in the end, but you never know when things could take a turn for the worst.
I’ve been txting him every day, and if he doesn’t answer within a couple hours, I call him, then I call his house. I’m not worried he’ll follow his father’s example. The problem is, like I said, you never know.
Get back to me soon, please?

~Jo


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Text from Joanna to Melissa: I was talking w/ the othr grls from wrk. whats going on w/ Jon? I figure u wud know since u do the schedule


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Automated message: Your call has been forwarded to an automated messaging service. ‘Jon Bryant’ is not available to take your call. At the tone, record your message. After you have finished, hang up, or stay on the line to hear more options.

Joanna: Hey Jon. Call me when you get this, let me know what’s going on. Always love you hon. Talk to you soon.



Jon –

I knocked on the door a few times and no one came, so I’m leaving this. I left a message on your cell and home phone. I’m getting a little worried, love, not hearing from you. I understand if you’d rather not talk for a while, but just let me know you’re okay. We all care so much about you.

~Joanna

* * * * *

Joanna: Hey, this is JP—Joanna—Jo Priest, whatever. Leave a message.

Jon: Hey, it’s Jon. I hope you weren’t freaking out that I didn’t call you sooner. Sorry. I’m doing a little better today. I’m far from alright, still, but I guess when you go through something as traumatic as I did losing my dad—this is one of the first times I’ve been able to refer to it even that openly. After you go through that, even the slightest changes for the better are obvious. It was such a shock for like the first week… and a half. And after that wore off, well—you saw what a wreck I was. I’m not such a wreck now.
And I know it’s all because of you. I just wanted to thank you so much for being there for me, and I love you. You’re my best friend.
Call me.

* * * * *

Text from Tina to Joanna: H1 grl! ju$t 1dr1ng wut$ up w/ Jon B, n0t Bing 1n sk00l. d1d he get xpeld er smthng? lol or mayb hez s1k sch a dr@m@ k1ng. but 1 frgot, u l1ke <3 him d0nt u? lol

Text from Joanna to Tina: His dad died u stupid ditz.

Text from Tina to Joanna: @wwwww, por k1d! 1 $#ud bI h1m @ tedE bare. gess wut 1 jst b@wt th1$ l1ke k1llr dre$$.

Text from Joanna to Tina: stop texting me if u know whats good for u. I know where u live and u might not be happy with your fake suicide note if I wrote it.


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Text from Melissa to Joanna: u didnt hear? I thawt u wud b 1st 2 no snce u guys r so close. His dad killed himself.

Ooh... That was interesting. I like how it was all wrote in either texts, e-mails, or notes. I got a little confused at first when they were passing notes, but that's it. ^_^ I don't really know what else to say about it other than that. It was amazing.

I thought the ending was a little odd though because you already used that sentence in the story before, but without the suicide of couse. There wasn't any grammar errors (that wasn't intentional) that I could find so, I guess...

That's it.

-kittykat

This was good. I liked the message thing, I've been reading the entries from that contest.

a couple things I found:

To: perry-mfwln@gmail.com


From: Joanna Priest


Subject: Jon


Hey Perry.

Have you talked to Jon yet? I had a long conversation with him the other day, and this is just so, so rough on him… of course. I think he’ll pull through in the end, but you never know when things could take a turn for the worst.

I’ve been txting him every day, and if he doesn’t answer within a couple hours, I call him, then I call his house. I’m not worried he’ll follow his father’s example. The problem is, like I said, you never know.

Get back to me soon, please?


~Jo

You put this email twice. Did you mean to?

H1 grl! ju$t 1dr1ng wut$ up w/ Jon B, n0t Bing 1n sk00l. d1d he get xpeld er smthng? lol or mayb hez s1k sch a dr@m@ k1ng. but 1 frgot, u l1ke <3 him d0nt u? lol

This was difficult to understand at first, but then I got it. I don't know anyone who writes like that, even in texts. I think that's a little exaggerated.

Text from Joanna to Tina: stop texting me if u know whats good for u. I know where u live and u might not be happy with your fake suicide note if I wrote it.



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Text from Melissa to Joanna: u didnt hear? I thawt u wud b 1st 2 no snce u guys r so close. His dad killed himself.

was there supposed to be a connection here? because if she already knew his dad killed himself, I would think she would be sensitive on that subject and wouldn't joke about it.

all over, though, I thought it was pretty good, and good luck in the contest!

Is this character named after me?

haha

Anyway i have no time to give it a proper crit, however i liked it!

I May be back to give it a crit later. Plus it seems everything is taken care of anyway!


Good work


---Jon---

whoa. you have a great story coming along here. KailaMarie got all of the grammar, so there isn't much to say here except: great story, like your writing, and keep on writing!

and I know this is hard, but no one who hasn’t gone through it can know just how hard

Um, I lost you there, sorry. This sentence makes no sense to me.

I love the Idea of everyone talking through messages. It's really origonal. Good job.

H1 grl! ju$t 1dr1ng wut$ up w/ Jon B, n0t Bing 1n sk00l. d1d he get xpeld er smthng? lol or mayb hez s1k sch a dr@m@ k1ng. but 1 frgot, u l1ke <3 him d0nt u? lol

I know this is supposed to be a text, but I think you went a little over board with the IM talk. I can barely read it.

@wwwww, por k1d! 1 $#ud bI h1m @ tedE bare. gess wut 1 jst b@wt th1$ l1ke k1llr dre$$.

same here

WOW, the ending was so unexpected, god work.

I liked the story.

Adnamarie,

Hello, darling! I’m here on account of the contest that you entered!

Well, I have to say that your main problem is realism here. Nothing in here seems real. It doesn’t seem like what real people would say. I’ve marked stuff in the attatchment below, detailing some stuff that really bugged me.

Another problem that you also have is overdoing things. When the kids were passing notes during school, that part was SO confusing, mostly because I was acting as a reader, and skimming over who was passing it to who. We could really care less, unless they’re essential to the plot, and they’re not.

I’m gonna be honest. I didn’t like this all too much. It wasn’t very deep, like a sensitive story like this should be. It lacked the right emotions, and the end with the girl typing in leet bugged the crap out of me. That’s really overdoing it.

So, I’m going to grade you now.

Characterization: 4/10

Plot Idea: 5/10

Follows Rules: 9/10 >> See the attachment. You have two incidents when you don’t follow the ‘message only’ rule.

Spelling and Grammar: 9/10

‘Cool’ meter: 6/10

Total: 33/50

Decent job! Keep it up.

-Jared