Day at the store

It was mid September too hot for jackets and too cold for t-shirts. My dad and I were going to the local super-mart to pick up fishing supplies for the weekend camping trip. He was talking about something I half listened to so I could give him a half intelligent answer to any questions he might ask. I mostly stared out the window the whole ride. I really hated the place we were heading for. It was like a circus that never left town and switched performers every couple hours.

Upon our arrival to the Big Top I saw the first group of performers (low lives) standing at the corner of the building smoking and drinking from brown bags. What was so fascinating about being drunk at 11:00 in the morning I guess I'll never know. As we walked past the lot of them toothless smiles were flashed our way. I gave them a hateful look and I'm sure that my dad did the same. He has less tolerance for people than even I do.

As the automated doors opened I gazed upon two pairs of children no older than six climbing on one of the small cheap rides that are all over these kinds of places. We walked through the lobby and turned left down towards the outdoors section. If this place is a circus then we were in the rings now. A lady of about forty walked past and I almost choked on the perfume she had bathed in. The selection of the new fishing gear went by smoothly and we headed towards the front to pay and get out of there. A fat man with a pink and black button up shirt and what can only be described as a fedora hat was walking and laughing with two other feminine looking men. At this I had to laugh the outfit was just too weird. I laughed loud enough so they could hear me and continued walking.

My dad detoured to buy chicken from the deli area. In line ahead of us was a short lady around fifty, clothed in a black shirt and pants with bleached out frizzy hair. She kept pointing at the meat she wanted but the deli worker couldn't understand what was going on. "Hard salami". The lady repeated. But those were too many words for the dimwitted worker to comprehend. Another more able worker came and my dad got whatever it was that he wanted. We walked to the cashiers desk to pay and leave. Of course they had an old lady with a trainee badge on working this one and every other one was too filled son we reluctantly walked up and put down our items. The lady was as my dog Rex would say a "loony bird". She would have been better off sowing somewhere instead of elongating our day. After about ten tries to scan the same item another worker came and showed her how to work the scanner. Finally we were off to our car. The drunks were still there but I paid no attention to them. We were driving home and my dad was talking to me about something I was half listening to......



This is a revised edition of an old story with a new title. Please review me and enjoy

Hiya, player109! I see that you are new to YWS so I just want to say hi! lol

Okay, back to your review...

Comments will be in bold, corrections in red

It was mid September too hot for jackets and too cold for t-shirts. My dad and I were going to the local super-mart to pick up fishing supplies for the weekend camping trip. He was talking about something I half listened to so I could give him a half intelligent answer to any questions he might ask. All right, this last sentence is worded oddly. I would try to smooth it out by reading it out loud and see what corrections you can make. I mostly stared out the window the whole ride. I really hated the place we were heading for. [s]I[/s] It was like a circus that never left town and switched performers every couple hours. Start New Paragraph Upon our arrival to the Big Top i saw the first group of performers (low lives) standing at the corner of the building smoking and drinking from brown bags. What was so fascinating about being drunk at 11:00 in the morning i Capital "I" guess ill never know. Start New Paragraph As we walked past the lot of them toothless smiles were flashed our way. I gave them a hateful look and I'm sure that my dad did the same. He has less tolerance for people than even I do. Start New Paragraph As the automated doors opened I gazed upon two pairs of children no older than six climbing on one of the small cheap rides that are all over these kinds of places. We walked through the lobby and turned left down towards the outdoors section.If this place is a circus then we were in the rings now. A lady of about forty walked past and i almost choked on the perfume [s]the[/s] she had bathed in. We walked past the shoe department [s]were[/s] where a man with a cart had a baby in his arms. His eyes were watered up and he was saying stuff like "Your OK now" and "You will always be mine honey". Me and my dad traded looks. "I [s]wander[/s] wonder how long ago he stole that baby" my dad said. What?! Seriously, if you thought someone stole a baby, would you just let them walk right by? That is kind of unrealistic...try to get into your MC's shoes and see how they would react. Maybe he is heartless? The selection of the new fishing gear went by smoothly and we headed towards the front to pay and get out of [s]their[/s] there. A fat man with a pink and black button up shirt and what can only be described as a fedora hat was walking and laughing with two other feminine looking men. At this i had to laugh the outfit was just too weird.I laughed loud enough so they could hear me and continued walking. My dad detoured to buy chicken from the deli area. Start New Paragraph In line ahead of us was a short lady around fifty with a black shirt and pants on and bleached out frizzy hair. she kept pointing at the meat she wanted but the deli worker couldn't understand what was going on. "hard salami". the lady repeated. But those were too many words for the dimwitted worker to comprehend. Another more able worker came and my dad got whatever it was that he wanted. we walked to the cashiers desk to pay and leave. of course they had an old lady with a trainee badge on working this one and every other one was too filled son we reluctantly walked up and put down our items. The lady was as my dog Rex would say a "loony bird". She would have been better off sowing somewere instead of elongating our day. after about ten tries to scan the same item another worker came and showed her how to work the scanner. Finally we were off to our car. the drunks were still there but i paid no attention to them. We were driving home and my dad was talking to me about something i was half listening to......

First, you have a lot of spelling mistakes and missing capital letters. I would just go back and find all those because I didn't fix all of them.

Second, here on YWS, you need to over-exaggerate your paragraphs. It is really hard to read on the internet with this whole one-paragraph thing.

Third, this story has no...what's the word...element? I'm not sure but what you have is good but there is no plot, no problem. You need to make it so there is something going on that gets the reader's attention, you know? Like have the man-stealing-the-baby pull out a gun and try to rob the deli, but the MC's dad steps in and saves the day, or something of that sort. Give us some action! hehe

Other than that, I found this to be really rough. I don't mean that harshly but you just need to read through and try to find out what can be rewritten and what just needs to be deleted.

Hope this helps!

ashleylee,
Thank you for the feedback. The story should have gone into the non fiction category and I should have re read it a few more times. The paragraph thing also is a constant problem of mine and I'm going to fix it. the whole thing is more of a personal narrative than a story really. Is there any way to move it to nonfiction?

Yeah, there is. In my PM I sent you, you can ask any Administrator, and they'll be happy to move it for you. Just PM them and they'll do it

So you've reviewed someone's work once, and posted 12 times yourself - and you joined just today.

Here at YWS, we have this little policy, "One review to every two posts."

That over and done with, on to the critique.

Despite lack of formatting (it isn't that hard to strategically place a few enter spaces), capitalization, common spelling/grammar/wrong-word-usage mistakes, I surprisingly enjoyed this piece.

Ashleylee (above) has provided you with a more than decent fixer-uper, and I am at loath to trawl through your block of text for errors that you should have picked up through a spell-check [*shock horror* This site even provides a "Check Spelling" option] or through a simple reread.

I disliked the twice used scenario of a stupid worker - surely a workplace would fire them. And if that's not the case, I feel for the actual intelligent people trying to get jobs.

The random things you've interjected into the story to describe the mall are the only things that kept me reading, such as the kids riding those amusement rides, and the man who might've stolen the baby. Fantastic snippets.

Next step, I think, would be to write about those small tidbits, having this as the central idea, like. . . Your next piece could be about those drunks at 11 in the morning, or the new trainee.

Keep on writing, but read what you write. If you don't read it, what makes you think others will?

Cheers, Jai