She Follows

I am not really sure what to call this, the title may change depending...

Anywhoo it needs work, I know, this is a first draft, but I like the concept so far.

Ideas?

Bright colors all around her,
greens and pinks
and blues.
Glittering things,
swirling,
captivating,
enticing,
seducing her until she follows,
mesmerized by the beautiful show.
It is a dazzling show to be sure,
designed to charm her;
designed to trap her.

She follows
further and further down,
pretty whispers filling her head
telling her pretty tales.

How could you say no to this?
How could you turn back now?

She dances on tipped toes,
head thrown back,
arms wide open,
drinking it all in.
She does not look back.
Her eyes are closed.

Never look back,
never look back.

The colors fade to molten brown,
the glitters turn to mud.
Shallow beauty reveals
all that’s hidden underneath.
Thick green sludge,
six inches deep,
ensnaring,
oppressing,
holding her down.
High walls of a muck filled pit
she is in the center of.

No one can hear you,
you can’t turn back.

Surrounded by rotted corpses,
of all the others before her.
The stench of death and decay.
Her hands dig into slime,
desperate to escape.
The scramble of her limbs,
a futile attempt to free herself.

You pitiable fool,
you cannot escape.
You took this path,
it was pretty no doubt,
and now you can never
turn back.

I can't believe you said that this needs work. I mean it was awesome. Clearly, you are intending to do this. Just kidding.

Bright colors all around her,
greens and pinks (Cut the 'and' and put a comma there)
and blues.
Glittering things,
swirling,
captivating,
enticing,
seducing her until she follows, (Great words, they really caught my eyes)
mesmerized by the beautiful show.
It is a dazzling show to be sure,
designed to charm her;
designed to trap her.

She follows (A comma here)
further and further down,
pretty whispers filling her head
telling her pretty tales. (The two 'pretty' words doesn't do any good. Change either one of them.)

How could you say no to this?
How could you turn back now? (Wow, just wow.)

She dances on tipped toes,
head thrown back,
arms wide open,
drinking it all in.
She does not look back.
Her eyes are closed. (Change this to 'She closes her eyes')

Never look back,
never look back. (You can put this as the title)

The colors fade to molten brown,
the glitters turn to mud.
Shallow beauty reveals
all that’s hidden underneath.
Thick green sludge,
six inches deep,
ensnaring,
oppressing,
holding her down.
High walls of a muck filled pit
she is in the center of. (This line is a bit melodramatic. Maybe change this to 'She lies in the centre of it)

No one can hear you,
you can’t turn back.

Surrounded by rotted corpses,
of all the others before her.
The stench of death and decay.
Her hands dig into slime,
desperate to escape.
The scramble of her limbs,
a futile attempt to free herself.

You pitiable fool,
you cannot escape.
You took this path,
it was pretty no doubt,
and now you can never
turn back. (Oooh, scary. I like this ending)

Well, this was great and enveloping poem. I mean, your words caught me like a - a - er........I don't know, just caught me. It was great. Well done.

Good luck.

Hello! Er... I haven't critiqued in a while, so hopefully this isn't too harsh or too nice. I forgot how to write these things! Anyway, whatever it is, I hope it'll be helpful for your subsequent drafts. As always, if you have any questions, just bug me. ^_^

OverEasy wrote:Bright colors all around her,
greens and pinks
and blues.
Glittering things,
swirling,
captivating,
enticing,
seducing her until she follows,
mesmerized by the beautiful show.

You start off in the passive voice, and that really doesn't work, I think. Because then people wonder, "Well, what are they DOING around her?" So, to explain what they're doing, you list verbs (swirling, captivating, enticing, and seducing) but you do so too late and, by the time you actually list the verbs, it's too much. You missed your chance. Besides, the verbs are too showy and the don't really give you an idea of what is actually happening. Although I realize that this seems more like a drugged up fantasy and everything, you cannot wait that long for a hook. Choose one word that describes what you want. If that one word is an ill-fitting word, then it won't be powerful and you'll want to change it back to the four verbs you have already, but trust me and just keep looking for the right word. It'll be better that way.

For instance, and I know we have totally different styles and this won't work for you, but if I were to rewrite this, I would say something like this:

"A splash of pink tickles under her nose
while green globs and blue blobs glitter under the lights
and beg for the woman to dance."

And the reason for that is that I want to personify the colors and make the woman be a doll, so that even though she is the only "real" thing there, she is the one with the least say of what to do. She has all these actions done to her by these colors, so she is the object and the colors are the active doers. I've objectified her and, doing this, I continue on the poem, objectifying her even further as she "dances" and loses her soul to the various colors.

And I say "dance" because you said "show" and I wanted to be more specific. "Show" doesn't show much. Plus, you said the word "dance" further on and made her sound like a ballerina, so I figured I would tell the reader up front what she is and what the theme of the poem is.

And... that's the main problem with the poem. It doesn't have a theme. That is, it seems like a drug-induced tale of destruction, but it doesn't have any concrete metaphors that really stay solid throughout the course of the poem. It's almost like you're afraid to stick with one subject and talk about it completely. But really, some of the best poetry doesn't waver at all from its original image, yet it contains all of life. So pick an image and stick with it. If you want to make it a dance, then go ahead! That would be awesome. I like the imagery of dancing with colors. <3 If you want to make it falling down the rabbit hole and use Alice and Wonderland as an allusion, that would be great too. If you want to do something completely different, that would be awesome. But you shouldn't sidetrack. Right now, it sounds like you're not sure what you're talking about, and that's bad.

It is a dazzling show to be sure,
designed to charm her;
designed to trap her.

This totally ruins the suspense of the poem and tells us what's going to happen at the end. And you do this throughout the poem. But you really shouldn't. Show us the imagery, don't spoil it for us. Part of poetry is to let the imagination run wild. How can our imaginations run wild if you keep on telling us what we should think?

All right... um... I think I'm done.

Have fun editing! It looks to be a really fun poem. Dancing with colors? Falling down trapdoors? Awesome stuff here.