Kept In

I wrote this for my school news paper. What do you guys think?



Raven watched the clock.
She closed her eyes and snapped them back open in hopes the big hand would have moved. Raven sighed with disappointment when it hadn’t. She laid her head on her school desk waiting impatiently.
Today was Halloween, her favorite holiday. She loved trick-or-treating as a child and the parties as she got older. The whole dressing up thing was some how refreshing for her.
And it just so happened to be her one month anniversary with her boyfriend, Brad. Just thinking about his long blond hair and his full smile gave Raven butterflies. Her breathing grew uneven as the second hand took its sweet time drifting around the clock.
Brad had told raven that they were going on a picnic in some park he knew. He said it was a surprise for her. Raven was so excited, she couldn’t help smiling.
When the bell rang, she popped out of her seat so fast, she almost toppled over.
Get a grip, she told herself.
Raven met up with Brad at his red pickup truck in the school parking lot. After a quick peck on the cheek, they drove off.
The entire drive, they talked about how much they loved each other. They teased each other about who loved whom more. By the end, of course, it was a tie. They laughed and held hands as if they were little kids, not a care in the world. Raven couldn’t think of one thing that could make her happier.
When Brad finally announced that they had arrived at their destination, the sun was setting behind the large oak trees. Raven quickly checked her hair and makeup in the rearview mirror. Her long black hair flowed behind her in soft curls. She had the most beautiful violet eyes at hers school
She looked around the park and realized where they really were.
“This is a cemetery,” Raven said to Brad as he retrieved a basket and radio from the bed of the truck.
He smiled at her. It was a new smile that was unfamiliar to her. This new smile that took over Brad’s sweet face was now wicked. IT was almost as if he was a different person.
Her heart skipped a beat. “This isn’t really a nice place, Brad.”
He rolled his eyes at her and turned to walk away. All signs of the scary smiled had suddenly melted away. Over his shoulder, he called to her. Hesitantly, she followed.
After they ate, he stood up. Brad reached out a hand to Raven and she mechanically took it.
Raven forced herself to relax. She was with Brad, nothing could hurt her. She gulped.
He would protect me, right? She asked herself.
Brad took Raven in his arms and started spinning her about. She never even noticed him turning the radio on. Soft music instantly put Raven in a trance.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, letting him lead her around the grave stones, becoming dizzier by the minute.
At first, they twirled to the music alone. Once Raven’s sight became fuzzy, she could see others among the grave stones.
The strange people where dancing along to the music, which has turned fast and it was harder for Raven to look around before Brad spun her again. But it wasn’t the dancing that caught Raven’s attention. The strangers were wearing the weirdest costumes.
A girl that was closest to Raven and Brad was wearing a long red tail on her back side that followed behind her as she moved. She wore red devilish horns on her forehead. When the stranger looked at Raven, her eyes glowed a fiery gold.
Raven gasped and tried to pull away from Brad, but he only held her tighter.
She knew that something wasn’t right about this. These strangers weren’t human. These thoughts terrified Raven to the core of her being.
“Brad,” she said, her voice cracking. “Let’s get out of here. These people are way freaky.”
Raven looked over at someone else dancing close to them. This guy had been painted from head to toe to look like a snake or some kind of lizard. Lizard guy smiled t Raven, his white teeth glistening. Raven’s heart was pounding against her ribs.
Brad finally let her go and held her away from his body. He looked her up and down and grinned wickedly again.
“You’re perfect,” he said.
Raven smiled before she realized there was a double meaning to his words. Her heart started racing as her breathing caught short and she backed away from him only to back into lizard guy.
She gasped and tried a different direction but Raven was surrounded.
The girl with the devil horns smiled at her. “You are perfect,” she agreed. “The perfect sacrifice to Memnoch.”
At that, the world started to quiver beneath Raven’s feet. Everything around her turned dark and she felt like she was falling.
Icy water burned Raven’s throat, splintering her ribs. Her ears filled with the demon’s cries. Cries of pain. Cries of fury.
She tried screaming, but her sobs where muffled by the mud.
This can’t be the end, she prayed to herself. Don’t let it be the end please.
She was in unfathomably freezing waters. Raven was being pulled into the dark abyss. Demons started roaring at her from all different directions. Mud flooded into her throat blocking any hopes for her to scream again.
Raven reached out, trying to tear down the dirt wall that was her only exit. However, the mud had turned into a plank, like the side of a rough coffin.
That’s when she knew it was real.
She clawed the wood until her fingers were raw with blood. The wood started to crumble in little rotting chunks. Raven gasped with fear as water shot between the boards with a scream.
Raven gasped and threw herself backwards in her seat. Classmates around her glared as they walked up the isle towards the door.
Raven laughed at herself and stood up, wiping the drool from her lip.
The End.

I know that since you've all ready turned it in, my punctuational point-outs (yay alliteration) are useless, but I shall say them anyway

The whole dressing up thing was some how refreshing for her.

"some how" should be one word.

Brad had told raven that they were going on a picnic in some park he knew.

Capitalise the name.

When the bell rang, she popped out of her seat so fast, she almost toppled over.

Comma splice.... try - "When the bell rang, she popped out of her seat so fast that she almost toppled over."

The entire drive, they talked about how much they loved each other. They teased each other about who loved whom more. By the end, of course, it was a tie. They laughed and held hands as if they were little kids, not a care in the world. Raven couldn’t think of one thing that could make her happier.

I didn't find anything wrong here, but do people actually do that? Lol. Also, good job on using "whom" correctly. Hardly anyone does that anymore

She had the most beautiful violet eyes at hers school

"hers" to "her" and period at the end.

IT was almost as if he was a different person.

Was "IT" supposed to be capitalised like that?

All signs of the scary smiled had suddenly melted away.

"smiled" to "smile"

Brad reached out a hand to Raven and she mechanically took it.

Comma after "Raven"

She was with Brad, nothing could hurt her.

Semicolon instead of a comma there - it's two complete sentences.

The strange people where dancing along to the music,

"where" to "were"

which has turned fast and it was harder for Raven to look around before Brad spun her again.

Comma after "fast"

Lizard guy smiled t Raven,

"t" - "at"?

Everything around her turned dark and she felt like she was falling.

Comma after "dark" - it's a run-on

This can’t be the end, she prayed to herself. Don’t let it be the end please.

Unspoken quotes - such as thoughts - should be italicized

Mud flooded into her throat blocking any hopes for her to scream again.

Comma after "throat" - it sets off the phrase

Raven reached out, trying to tear down the dirt wall that was her only exit. However, the mud had turned into a plank, like the side of a rough coffin.

If you're going to use "however" like that, combine the two sentences so it will be like "...that was her only exit; however, the mud..."

That’s when she knew it was real.

A few contractions here and there are not bad, but there have been quite a lot here. I would separate "That's" in this sentence.

Classmates around her glared as they walked up the isle towards the door.

"isle" to "aisle" Aisle means a lane or pathway; isle means an island.

---

All in all, this was really great! The ending was very predictable, however I liked it though

JosephDean has provided you with some excellent advice, and I don't think he's missed anything at all.

I thought the descriptions throughout this were excellent, and this was a pleasure to read. I found myself wanting to actually read the ending.

And then of course, I was overwhelmed with disappointment. Another "It was all a dream" endings?

Rule # of all stories: Don't end it with "IT WAS ALL A DREAM"

Could you imagine if Harry Potter ended up with someone waking up and declaring, "Ah, that was a frightful dream! Now to brush my teeth!"

Or, Lord of the Rings with such an ending?

It's just not a nice thing to do to readers. . . I'd have rather her (as in the main character) die than her waking up. . .

Alas, you cannot change this though.

Well done, overall. Just remember to reread your pieces so that you can pick up on the smaller mistakes. If all else fails, read out aloud your story - that's probably the quickest way to find holes.

Cheers, Jai

To be perfectly honest with you, I didn't enjoy this. It was written very simple, with almost no description or feeling, but you ended it with the worst possible story ending any piece of writing can end with.

As seeminglymeaningless has already pointed out, no story should EVER end with 'And it was all a dream'. It makes the reader angry and ruins the entire story.

As for the rest of it, I thought it moved too fast. You need to slow down. Write it once, and then go through it and extend everything as much as you can. Then you can cut bits away, but there still needs to be more than what you have here. Its way too quick. There's no suspense, no fear, no feeling.

Also, I would avoid using the name Raven- it's cliche and you really don't need to put a lot of effort into finding a different name. Calling her Raven pretty much screams 'Cliche character that something bad will happen to over here!'

Good luck!

Okay, this is reallly good! I really liked it and it pulled me in.

What i think is that you should change this up a bit and make expand on it. What you wrote is dieing to become something more!

Now, you don't have to listen to me but, this could be something so good and interesting!

Anyway, I really liked this! You are a really good writer!

All I keep reading today are predictable storylines!!!! Lol, not impressed!

This didn't have much to recommend it I'm afraid...

It lacked any character definition, description, emotive language...the clauses seemed stunted in parts and the storyline was ridiculously predictable....

Sorry if this seems harsh!