Young Writers Society

DELETED

Hey KJ!!!

I liked this chapter. It described High School well and yet it also showed Rebecca's life more clearly. Now the reader knows exactly what she goes through and now I can kinda see what happened. You have a great writing voice and this just flowed so easily. If this were a book, people would feel comfortable reading it because its something teenagers can relate to and its very vivid and its not surreal.
There was one sentence that just didn't sit right with me. I just didn't think it went right when I was reading it.

Why would you return to a place you hated?

Before this sentence you talk about the teachers and their jobs. You also mention that they all grew up in Pleasant View but you don't actually portray their dislike for the neighborhood. So it wouldn't be right to have that sentence there...I would either nix this sentence and elaborate more or add a couple of sentences before this one to clear up what's trying to be said. Other than that, keep writing. Can't wait to read more.
~Angel

KJ,

Hello once again.


Quote:
He probably knew everything about me, as I did him.
“as I did him”?


Quote:
Uncertain, I didn’t react, and after another second, ducked my head.
Last comma needed? Looks choppy with all of them.


***

Er, yes. Another uber-short line-by-line. And what’s worse (well, the first is very, very good, but never mind that now), I don’t think I have much to say.

See, I liked this. I read it very, very fast and had trouble with concentrating on any grammar issues because of that. The chapter flowed very well, and I don’t think I have anything to criticize. Hmm. The MC has depth, and is three-dimensional.

Just - post the next one? Fast?


Cheers,
Esme

Very nice chapter three but I have to say I do frefer chapter 3... everything i would have otherwise picked up on hs ben covered so kudos to the other critiquers and for you for being so faultless in your work! Haha!

I look fowarrd immensely to reading chapter four! Hope it comes soon because I don't like waiting!

PM me if you feel you need any help!

I really liked this chapter. It was good and definitely explains the trouble that some rumors make for people, whether they're true or not. It's no fun to be left out.

Once again, great writing.

I'm gonna go read chapter 4 now!!

Aw. I truly felt sorry for the main character. Though, I am rather tough so if I was in her position, a fight would probably breakout.

Again, I didn't see any mistakes. Keep writing these great stories.

-Venom

Awww. This chapter is really sad, but I think it was necessary to make the other chapters.......better.

There were the popular, blonde girls. The boasting, big jocks. The glasses-wearing, thin computer geeks. And then there were the people in between. No one knew what to call them. Middle-class? [quote]

This was my favorite quote from the entire chapter. I don't know why but something with the whole clique thing just draws my attention. Plus, I totally liked the whole Vick Dawson thing. I hope he becomes more of a major character. Me likey........

Chapter Three review coming right up

Pleasant View High had about hundred kids in each grade. Each class was mostly a combination of all of them. They had freshmen in the junior classes, and seniors in the sophomore classes. This is really unclear about what you mean? How can freshmen be in the junior class and vis versa?? Try to explain more here.

It was the smallest place I had ever been to, and I knew almost all the names of the kids in my class before the first day was over.

The teachers were mostly the same, and all seemed to hate their jobs. I found out later that most of the teachers had grown up in Pleasant View. Why would you return to a place you hated? Add more to her thoughts here.

Despite the tiny population, the kids managed to divide into their little cliques. There were the popular, blonde girls. The boasting, big jocks. The glasses-wearing, thin computer geeks. And then there were the people in between. No one knew what to call them. Middle-class?

We were allowed outside for lunch every day, seeing as the cafeteria was always being used as a gym. I chose a spot under a tiny tree. The sun was scorching, and the leaves were too few to really provide me any shade, but I liked the feeling of hiding. I watched the others from beneath my tree, and their activities distracted me from my own disquieting thoughts.

There was a boy who sat away from all the rest. He didn’t hide, like I did. No, he sat right in the center of the green lawn, eating his lunch unabashedly, looking around just like I did. He never looked at me, though. He probably knew everything about me, as I did him.

His name was Vick Dawson. He was a junior, like me. His nose was crooked, as if he had broken it once, but otherwise he was cute. Pouty lips, high cheekbones. Light brown hair fell over his forehead in a thick, stubborn lock. He wore mostly black, with a red logo on the front of his t-shirt, and his lip was pierced in a way that was independent, not rebellious. He could pull it off.

He was the only kid that I really found interesting. All the others I was able to shove into the familiar categories. But Vick Dawson was different—a significant thing to say. He didn’t seem to care what anyone else thought, and yet he still exuded an easy confidence that I admired.

If Vick ever felt my gaze, he didn’t bother looking up. Two girls walked up to him, said something. From the shy, appreciative expressions on their faces, I could guess what their motives were for approaching the boy.

“No, thanks,” I heard Vick say. But he added a smile to soften his words, and the girls beamed back. They walked away, still smiling.

I watched them go, then turned my attention back to Vick. To my surprise, he was staring right back at me. I started, and his lips quirked, as if he was trying to suppress a grin. He cocked his head at me, as if he’d asked a question and expected an answer.

Uncertain, I didn’t react, and after another second, ducked my head. I took a drink of my pop to do something with my hands. I dared another glance at him from under my lashes one last time. He was lying back on the grass, listening to an iPod that rested on his stomach.

After that, in the days that followed, I was careful not to look at Vick Dawson anymore. He probably didn’t appreciate being stared at, and I knew the feeling. I bet her and Vick will be friends, right?

My grades were excellent, my parents assured. But I knew that I would eventually have to bring someone home with me, to prove to Mom that I was doing fine. Otherwise, she would schedule another session with the counselor. And I didn’t want to sit in that mint-green room anymore.

One day at lunch, I began to head for my tree, like every other day. But when I was mere steps away, I remembered. Friends. I have to make some friends.

Though my legs itched to go to the tree, as all my instincts were screaming at me to, I forced them to turn away. Lunch bag hanging limply from my hand, I surveyed the courtyard.

There were four large groups of girls, and two other groups that both consisted of only two girls. I rooted for the pair that wasn’t wearing black lipstick, and started toward them.

One of the girls, clad in a dainty pink sweater, and face covered in acne, leaned over and muttered something to her friend. The other glanced at me, and nodded. In unison, they both stood and walked away, going in the direction of the bathroom. I stopped. I wasn’t put out or anything—I had to care to be that—but I sighed. This was going to take more effort than I thought.

Deciding beggars couldn’t be choosers, I turned to the gothic girls. They remained where they were when they saw me approaching, but didn’t say a thing when I stood before them.

“Do you mind if I sit with you?” I asked, looking down at my feet. Seeing their hostility made me a tad uncomfortable.

“Why don’t you go fuck Mr. Wilson?” one of them snarled.

I cringed. “No, then.”

Her companion sneered. “You got it. No. But the teachers eat lunch in the library, if you want to go join them. I hear Mr. Bist likes students, too.”

She was referring to Will, in a subtle way. Unexpectedly, resentment flared. They didn’t know him. They had no right to…

Shit. My line of thinking was all wrong. And Will? Even when he had asked me to, I had refused to call him anything but Mr. Sheldon. What was happening to me?

“You’re disgusting,” the gothic girl on the left added.

My shoulders drooped, and I turned away again. Their glares bored into my back.

“You’re probably right,” I whispered.

Wow, girls are b#!#$!, aren't they? Gosh, I feel so bad for her but I guess when you go out with a teacher whose obsessed with you, what do you expect?

Well, Kels, I can't praise you enough on this! Good job!

KJ wrote: We were allowed outside for lunch every day, seeing as the cafeteria was always being used as a gym.

Really good sentence, but the 'seeing' doesn't appeal to me and seems a little random. Why don't you try 'since'?

KJ wrote: He didn’t seem to care what anyone else thought, and yet he still exuded an easy confidence that I admired.

Whoa. Gotta love that sentence. *hug* Very descriptive and very well structured.

KJ wrote:“You’re disgusting,” the gothic girl on the left added.
My shoulders drooped, and I turned away again. Their glares bored into my back.
“You’re probably right,” I whispered.

*cries for her* How mean of them! I feel like I need to beat them for her. You have done a very, very, very, good job making me sympathize with the main character.

Moving onto chapter 4, then.

Ahhhh I'm getting too much absorbed into this story... I'm gonna go to bed tonight in a fit over what happens next =_=

KJ-
Man, she does have a hard time at school. Especially with those two girls and those Gothic girls. Ouch.

Now, there's something about Vick that wants me to know about him. What's his history or his story?

Anyway, when those goths said that about Mr. Sheldon, was that after everyone found her secret? Or whatever her secret may be.

Again, another amazing chapter! I have no more questions, so I'm off for four.

-Merry

Pleasant View High had about hundred kids in each grade.

Generally, you would say students, as opposed to kids. Kids makes it sound young. Or maybe that's just a personal preference.

Each class was mostly a combination of all of them. They had freshmen in the junior classes, and seniors in the sophomore classes.

The first sentence is very awkwardly worded, and without the sentence after it, wouldn't make any sense at all. I think it would do better to take it out entirely and explain it in the second sentence.

The teachers were mostly the same, and all seemed to hate their jobs. I found out later that most of the teachers had grown up in Pleasant View. Why would you return to a place you hated?

Watch out for the word "mostly". From what I've seen, you use it quite a bit. Just be aware and mix up the words a bit. And as for this section, it seems a little awkward. Either take it out, or explain it in a way that has action. You're doing a lot of telling here, and it's not flowing from one fact to another.

There were the popular, blonde girls. The boasting, big jocks. The glasses-wearing, thin computer geeks

You've managed to name every stereotype there is...which can be slightly off putting to say...a blonde girl who wears glasses and likes computers. Or a small jock. In general try to avoid stereotyping.

I have to make some friends.

Tense. Everything else is past-tense.
_______________________________
Characters:
You've gone back to having a very developed character, and you've introduced a few more good characters here with Vick. I love the way you portrayed the side characters here. Especially the goths.

Plot:
I don't have much to say in this category. I mean, you seem to be moving forward, which is good. Although you do seem to be following a slight trend here. A loner girl sees a cute, rebellious guy who doesn't follow traditional standards and is able to look past everything she's done and they fall in love or become friends, etc. Just try to avoid the cliches in that.

Overall:
At first it was a little confusing. I wasn't sure if you were in the past or present and it took until the goth girls came for me to be completely sure. I suggest you find a way to define what is past and what is present. That way the reader doesn't have to wonder the entire time.

Other than that, very good. I think the parts that are in the present have a better, more developed vibe to them, which if incorporated into every chapter would make for quite a captivating read.

Keep up the good work!
-JC

*Edited yet again*

Thank you for the top-notch suggestions

Wow. I have nothing else to say. I'm going ot be gone over teh next efw weeks and I won't be able to get on, but I'm goign to print these out and read them. I'll review um when I et back! Keep it coming.

I really should hurry up and get to the newer chapters, because all I really have to say about this chapter was that it is awesome. I've seen parts of the originals and this is much improved.

The story continues to be interesting and I like how your character goes back to the present after leaving us hanging from the brief glance into her past. I like how we're given a look at her school, as well as the town in one glance.

The teachers were generally the same, and all seemed to hate their jobs. The kids pretty much did what they wanted in class, so long as they were at least pretending to pay attention.

It's only because I'm fishing for something to comment on that I'm going to say that you could add another sentence to this one. Keyword, could, because this is great without it, but I think it might also fit to mention how the teachers didn't care about the students doing what they want. Yes, I am reduced to nitpicks and making things up on the spot,

There was a boy who sat away from all the rest. He didn’t hide, like I did. No, he sat right in the center of the green lawn, eating his lunch unabashedly, looking around just like I did. He never looked at me, though. He probably knew everything about me, just like everyone else.

I absolute love this paragraph, as well as this character. He's just so original, within this whole school of groups. I love how bold he is, sitting right in the middle of the grass lawn and watching the people around them. You can tell how bold he is, as he doesn't do the things that the others do, including looking at your character. He is so original that he doesn't have to worry about her. (Yay, literature classes? )

I love how you show that she thinks she's fine, in the beginning of the story, but then she realizes that her world isn't as perfect as she likes. She can't just exist on her own, but she can't approach anyone else. Though, I have to throw my lot in with the others, Vick seems like the perfect person to bring home to her parents. He doesn't seem like he would mind it, but it also seems like he would worm his way into her life. And, of course, I should be reading and reviewing the other chapters, instead of speculating moot things.

Shit. My line of thinking was all wrong. And Will? Even when he had asked me to, I had refused to call him anything but Mr. Sheldon. What was happening to me?

I love how almost normal she seems to be, even as she's searching for people to bring home to her parents. Not for friends, people to bring home to her parents. But, here we get to see how twisted this male character has made her. How broken she really is, I love this part. I feel sorry for her, though, poor girl.

Okay, I'll be back tomorrow to read over the next chapter, since it's midnight where I am right now. I do hope that my ramblings at least amused you, if not gave you some sense of who your characters appear to be in the beginning, again? I'll go for amusement, .

Off to read the next chapter, so I'll hopefully have something more helpful for you when I review tomorrow!

- Tatra