The Life We Live ~ Part One

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ALERT! New story!

I know, for those who know me, I should be working on my other main story but I just can't help but post these new ones that pop into my head.

Hope you like this and Happy Reading!

Also, if you have any title suggestions for me, that would be great! :wink:
______________________________________

PART ONE

The floorboards creaked as he walked the air heavy with moisture as if a soggy blanket had been thrown over the area. He tugged at his collar, sniffing with distaste. His parents walked a few paces ahead of him, nodding solemnly as his aunt chattered receptively. Coughing when he bumped his elbow against an elderly tapestry as clouds of dust are inhaled up his nose. His mother shot him a glare when his coughing grew loud, echoing in the cavernous hall. Swallowing to silence the hacking, he turned away and headed back the way they came to wait out the stay in the parlor.
Easing back into a leather chair with antique décor, he sighed in irritation. His head felt like it weighed ten pounds more than normal and his chest constricted as if iron bands were being thrown across his body. Why they even brought him along is a mystery to him. It was his great-great-uncle, a man he had never met in his entire life. He died of lung cancer and now they were here on his behalf to help console his grieving wife.
What a load of bull, he thought menacingly, gazing up at the dusty ceiling. Cobwebs swung precariously from the chandelier, making the light appear ghostly. “What the hell? Don’t they clean this place,” he whispered harshly.
“Can I get you anything?” a sharp voice came from the hall opposite. Sitting up straighter, his eyes landed on an elderly woman with a severe face and pinched nose.
He rolled his eyes when he saw the familiar maid outfit he had seen in the family photos lining the walls. “No,” he said rudely, sniffing with an air of someone better. The woman forced a smile and exited swiftly, her one-inch heels clanking loudly on the wood floors. He cringed at the noise.
“It’s amazing how much history I have missed,” his father’s voice was heard from the hall.
“Yes, Frederick was quite the explorer in his youth,” his aunt said in her high-pitched squeak, sending his eardrums twanging.
They entered the room then. His aunt was a stout woman with a plump face and ashy-blonde hair that lay in wisps around her pale head. His father was at her elbow, his head reaching towards the ceiling, his lanky frame oddly mimicking the family pictures on the walls. His mother was near his aunt’s height with thick black hair that she always wore in a low bun at the base of her neck. “William, won’t you come and join us for lunch?”
He resisted the urge to decline, standing and plastering a smile on his face. “Of course.” Leaving the parlor behind, they entered the dinning room. It was slightly cleaner than the rest of the house with high-arched entryways and various maids running around. He spotted the pinched-nose woman and grinned at her, winking coyly. She frowned severely and kept walking, making him laugh.
Once they were all seated and enjoying a meal deprived of meat, his aunt being a full-blooded vegetarian, his parents announced the worst news Will had ever heard. “We have thought about it a lot, Ruby, and I think it would be wonderful to stay the summer with you.”
Nearly choking on his asparagus, Will gazed at his parents as if they had just lost their minds. “Excuse me?” he said with raised eyebrows.
His mother glowered. “You heard us, William. We’re staying here to keep Ruby company.” Ruby flashed him a welcoming smile but it did nothing to ease the pounding of his heart. This couldn’t be happening. First, they dragged him out of the city to his hick town with people who don’t clean their houses. Now, they plan to lock him in this hellhole for a whole three months.
Well, we’ll see about that.
“But you can’t? You know how I have those college trips set up and I can’t cancel them.”
“You can still go to them,” his father insisted.
Will breathed deeply, struggling to keep his feelings in-check. “What about Blair? Her party’s next Saturday?”

“You’ll just have to miss it. Blair will have other birthday parties. Our minds are made up. We’ll move in next weekend.”
And so the conversation was done.

- - -

All Veronica knew was the earth between her horse’s hooves and the sound of the animal breathing beneath her. Her body was hunched, pulled close to the horse’s body for added speed. She anticipated the moment, waited carefully, and then straightened, bending, flowing with the horse. She felt the muscles contract, expand, and contract again as they hit the earth, trampling the few strands of grass poking through the black dirt.
“That was good, but it could be better. Your landing is still off. Also, you have to ease Quin’s mind. He’s too jumpy and hesitates before the vault.” Veronica nodded towards her trainer, a young David Green. She patted Quin’s neck and he snorted up at her, perking up his ears when David approached.
“I’m not sure how to get him to stop fearing the jump. He was doing so good until…”
“You have to train that out of him. Make him strong. Maybe take him for a ride through the woods.”
“Yeah.” Veronica clicked her tongue, heading back in the direction of the barn. “See you later, David,” she threw over her shoulder as an afterthought.
David just grunted in reply, mounting his own black mare and heading off in the other direction towards his own farm.
In the barn, she laid out a fresh pallet of hay and a pail of oats for Quin to munch on before leading him into his pen. “Be good, boy,” she cooed, patting his nose before locking him up for the night. Stretching out her tried and stiff muscles, she removed her helmet and riding boots and returned to the house barefoot.
“How was training?” her mother asked upon entrance. There was a bowl of fresh chili laid out for her with a side of cornbread.
“Fine. David still says I have a long way to go.”
“You looked good to me.”
“Thanks, mom.” Digging enthusiastically into her chili, her mother took a seat opposite her. “I’m just letting you know now that Mrs. Robinson has a few guests staying at her house this summer so I’ll be working overtime at the shop.”
“Guests? The Robinson’s never have guests.”
“Well, after Mr. Robinson died, family is staying with her to ease her mind.”
Veronica snorted. “Yeah, right. More like waiting for her to pass and then they get the cash.”
“Veronica!” her mother admonished, her face wide in shock at her oldest daughter’s statement.
“What? You know it’s true.”
“All the same, I want nothing but kindness from you. No rude comments. Besides, that boy of theirs that they brought along is going to be working right along side of you.”
“Great.” Veronica pushed away her unfinished chili, no longer feeling hungry. “I’m just going to go to bed now, mom. I’m bushed.”
“All right, dear. Sweet dreams.”
“Yeah, sweet dreams.”
Up in her room, Veronica thought long and hard about the news of a family staying at the Robinson’s house. She had never heard of relatives coming and going from there. The house was a ghost in itself. Mr. and Mrs. Robinson never even left the house. Always locked up, scared of their own shadows. She wondered what the family was going to say when they found out about that.
Smiling to herself, she slipped into a heavy slumber.


**Not to be continued...
Last edited by ashleylee on Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Interesting...Your descriptions of the settings are very vivid and I like how the house is dirty even with maids bustling everywhere. However, I have no idea what time period this is set in. If it is modern time, which by the dialouage, it sounds like it is maybe instead of having a bunch of maids running around you could have one housekeeper. Also you switch tenses a lot and it made it hard to read the first few paragraphs. Here are a few other little nitpicks I picked up:


The floorboards creaked as he walked, the air heavy with moisture as if a soggy blanket had been thrown over the area.


Put a comma in there in bold.

Why they even brought him along [s]is[/s] was a mystery to him.


Was instead of is. Really watch those tenses.

He had died of lung cancer and now they were [s]here[/s] there on his behalf to help console his grieving [s]why[/s] wife.


Just little spelling errors.

The woman forced a smile and [s]excited[/s] exited swiftly, her one-inch heels [s]clanking[/s] loudly on the wood floors.


When I think of high heels I don't think of them clanking. When I think of clanking I think more of metal hitting metal. Perhaps clicking fits better.

His aunt was a stout woman with a plump face and ashy-blonde hair that lay in wisps around her pale head. His father was at her elbow, his head reaching towards the ceiling, his lanky frame oddly mimicking the family pictures on the walls. His mother was near his aunt’s height with thick black hair that she always wore in a low bun at the base of her neck.


This is a total info dump. I know you want to describe your characters to us, but it feels like you are just listing off pyhsical descriptions here. And to be brutally honest some of them don't make much sense (like the sentence describing William's father). His body is mimicking photos in what way? Does he look like his family? If so why is that odd? You could keep the description of William's father in this paragraph. Then later on, when they are having the discussion at the table you can describe Ruby and William's mother.

He spotted the pinched-nose woman and grinned at her, winking coyly.


This doesn't really make sense since earlier William acted like he was better than this housekeeper and now he is flirting with her.

Once they were all seated and [s]enjoy[/s] enjoying a meal deprived of meat, his aunt being a full-blooded vegetarian, his parents announced the worst news Will had ever heard.


First, they dragged him out of the city to this hick town with people who [s]don’t[/s] didn't clean their houses. Now, they plan to lock him in this hellhole for a whole three months.


But you can’t? You know how I have those college trips set up and I can’t cancel them.”


The question mark is unnecessary, this isn't a question.

Will breathed deeply, struggling to keep his feelings in-check. “What about Blair? Her party’s next Saturday?”


Another unnecessary question mark.

And so the conversation was done.


Personally, this ending is bland and weak. Maybe you could write something like:
William's mother pressed her lips together, signaling the end of the conversation. Idk.

In the barn, she laid out a fresh pallet of hay and a pail of oats for Quin to munch on before leading him into his pen. “Be good, boy,” she cooed, patting his nose before locking him up for the night. Stretching out her [s]tried[/s] tired and stiff muscles, she removed her helmet and riding boots and returned to the house barefoot.


The problem with this paragraph is that this horse was just doing hard exercise. After a work-out like that you need to walk the horse to help cool it down. And you never mentioned taking off his saddle, which you would need to do. Also you would typically rub him down or brush the horse while feeding the horse. Just very minor details, but they make your story much more realistic.

I like the plot so far, eager to see William meet this girl and how they react to each other. Your writing has great potential, keep it up!




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Moriah Leila:

Thanks! :D

Yeah, I like wrote this up in less than five minutes so thanks for pointing out all of those things!

I'm glad you liked it!

To answer your question about the time period, it is set in modern time, yes. I wanted to give it an old feel within the house but outside, it's modern, you know?

Well, thanks again! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore