Awakening

The night was cold and bright with stars, the moon gazing down at the earth, its eerie glistening light pouring over the surrounding countryside. All was still, no wind rustled through the trees, no whisper swept past the branches. Everything was frozen like a black and silver picture. It was also silent, deathly silent, and if any human was nearby even they would feel the anticipation in the air. But no one was around, it was deserted in the large gardens of Amber cottage, its residences moved on not so long ago.
After many hours of prickling silence a small sound rustled through the air, and was heard by an owl sitting in one of the high trees. It looked down at the large stone with a beady eye and waited. The sound came again, a soft scratching that was barely a sound at all, though the owls sharp hearing could pick it up in the eerie silence. The scratching slowly began to grow loader as the minutes ticked by, coming from under the giant stone that was placed in the middle of the lawns of the old garden. Something then stirred, and the owl ruffled its feathers slightly and leaned forwards on its perch, its eyes fixed on the stone.
Then the owl narrowed its eyes. No, its not possible, he thought, how could she be alive? He lent forward even closer and suddenly jumped in shock as a blood curdling scream pierced the night, coming from beneath the stone. Suddenly the grass around it trembled and the earth was suddenly torn away, it collapsed inwards so all was left was a very small hole, pitch black and at the edge of the stone. Then, slowly, a white finger crawled out of the hole, only for a second, before disappearing back again into darkness. The owl was quivering with fear and excitement as he watched in wonder. The finger appeared again, and it slithered out the hole and tugged at more of the earth, making the hole wider. Soon an entire hand appeared, then a wrist, then a long and bony arm. The hole widened and soon it was large enough for two thin arms to appear, the face of the woman still in darkness.
The owl couldn't wait a moment longer and leapt off its branch and swirled towards the earth, landing softly on the grass. It watching as the woman hungrily scratched away at the moist earth. Soon she had made the hole big enough, and with a great gasping breath she pulled herself into the moonlight, gripping the grass with her long pale fingers to pull herself out of the darkness.
The young woman lay on the grass for a moment, shaking uncontrollably. The owl stepped closer and gazed at her painfully thin frame, the whiteness of her skin and her long black hair, lank and covered in dirt. Her sharp fingernails leapt up, and she scratched her white cheek, digging into the flesh. But no blood was drawn.
"It is done," the owl said, and the woman sighed again, her head rolling with exhaustion.
"Sleep, my child," the owl said in its whispering voice, and she shivered and closed her blood red eyes, falling completely still again. Her mouth fell slightly open, and revealed a row of razor sharp teeth, newly grown and pearly white. The owl nodded gravely and launched into the air, glancing at the sleeping woman with his yellow eyes before disappearing into the night.

I can't believe nobody has reviewed this yetQ!
Very capturing! You mention that her fingers are thin and pale a little too much. Just once or twice is fine.

The night was cold and bright with stars, the moon gazing down at the earth, its eerie glistening light pouring over the surrounding countryside.

You're wandering a little bit into run-on land here. I think that "...its eerie glistening light..." should be separated as its own sentence, or put a semicolon between "earth" and "its". Nice opening, though.

All was still, no wind rustled through the trees, no whisper swept past the branches.

There should either be a colon after "all was still" or a semicolon. I'm not sure. I'll have to look it up.

The sound came again, a soft scratching that was barely a sound at all, though the owls sharp hearing could pick it up in the eerie silence.

I'm pretty sure you need a hyphen between "came again" and "a soft scratching" and then another after "all" and before "though the owls." I wouldn't suggest using the word "eerie" again here since you had just used it in the first paragraph. I would probably say "...int the chilling silence." Also, you need to make "owls" possessive, not plural(owl's).

No, its not possible, he thought, how could she be alive?

I think his thought should either be in italics or single quotations.

He lent forward even closer and suddenly jumped in shock as a blood curdling scream pierced the night, coming from beneath the stone.

May I just say that I love this sentence! I don't think I've ever heard the word "lent" used that way. Do you mean "leaned?" Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Suddenly the grass around it trembled and the earth was suddenly torn away, it collapsed inwards so all was left was a very small hole, pitch black and at the edge of the stone

Run-on land again. Period after "away" and befor "it collapsed." This sentence is a little too wordy for me and didn't flow well. I would say, "It collapsed inwards, leaving nothing but a very small, pitch-black hole at the edge of the stone." That's entirely your decision, though.

It watching as the woman hungrily scratched away at the moist earth

Watching should be watched.

Soon she had made the hole big enough, and with a great gasping breath she pulled herself into the moonlight,

You need another comma after "gasping breath"

Her sharp fingernails leapt up, and she scratched her white cheek, digging into the flesh. But no blood was drawn.

Ummm. Why did she claw herself in the face? Ouch!

[/quote]"Sleep, my child," the owl said in its whispering voice, and she shivered and closed her blood red eyes

Oooo. Creepy eye color! I would say, "... and she shivered, closing her blood red eyes and fell completely still again." to make the sentence smoother.

Her mouth fell slightly open, and revealed a row of razor sharp teeth, newly grown and pearly white

If you must leave the sentence like this, lose the commas. I think it sounds better to say "Her mouth fell slightly open, revealing a row of razor-sharp teeth, newly grown and pearly white." That's just me, though.

Sometimes your sentences get to long and hard to read.

OOOOOOO!!! I'm very confused at this point, but I'm intrigued! I want to know who this scary lady is and how the owl knows her.

Great work! Let me know when/if you post more!!!

-Sea-

Very nice!! I had started to list things for my critique, but Searria H. beat me to them all!! Lol.

All was still, no wind rustled through the trees, no whisper swept past the branches.

There should either be a colon after "all was still" or a semicolon. I'm not sure. Confused I'll have to look it up.

Yeah, it should be a colon. She's listing the things that made it "still."

The night was cold and bright with stars, the moon gazing down at the earth, its eerie glistening light pouring over the surrounding countryside.

Searria's right about the run-on's here. From "The night was cold" to "at the earth" is fine for one sentence. The part "the moon gazing down at the earth," is some kind of phrase (I forget what the name is), but it adds information. I do it all the time. "It's eerie glistening..." should start a new sentence, and it should read "poured" instead of "pouring."

Everything else, like I said, she already mentioned, so all I can say is, "Great job!!"

I'm looking forward to the next part.

PS: This reminded me of the scene in Kill Bill Vol. 2 when The Bride is crawling out from her grave

Gracee,

Hello! How are you on this horribly lovely day? I hope that well (:

Anyway, the line-by-line crit’s been already done, and I won’t repeat what’s already been said. What I will say, however, is that I don’t like the numerous “the owl, the owl, the owl” - at the end, there’s this paragraph that starts like that. The next one does, too, and so does the next (and shouldn’t those two not be spaceed?

As to the story - wll, that was interesting. Interesting, well written and all that, but also really short, so it’s hard for me to whip up any kind of more in-depth review, you know? (Let’s leave it on that ^^)

I don’t think I like the beginning, though. Oh, it was all right, grammatically and etc., but just wasn’t interesting, you know? Didn’t draw me in. It was - okay. But that’s all. It was a description that was supposed to start a mood, I suppose, and fine, but not as an intro.

Cheers,
Esme

P.S. You know that you’re my second blue star?

Thankyou so much! i love nice reviews and your advise gave me alot to think about. i thnk i did put "the owl" too often!

Nicely done, I especially like how you see everything from the perspective of the owl. Although I don't quite get how it can talk. Maybe you should have it speak into her mind instead, it would seem less strange, lol.

I'm assuming that the girl is a vampire or zombie, some kind of undead. You should start the part slightly earlier, like when she's being buried, it would have a lot more drama that way. I'm not much into the vampire scene, I prefer werewolves and shifters. Even though I'm biased this seem like the start of a very interesting story.

Keep it up, and PM me if you post the next part.

very descriptive, I liked it it gave me a wonderful picturein my head. I noticed a
few spelling mistakes in this but nothing else. Keep writing. You are very talented.

oooh nice very nice I like it, especially the title it fits the story perfectly.

Hey, Gracee!

I saw this and the title caught my attention right away.

I decided to copy/paste. All comments are in bold, all corrections in red.

The night was cold and bright with stars, the moon gazing down at the earth, its eerie glistening light pouring over the surrounding countryside. All was still, no wind rustled through the trees, no [s]whisper[/s] whispers swept past the branches. Everything was frozen like a black and silver picture. Describe this picture more. What does a black and silver picture look like? It was also silent, deathly silent, and if any human was nearby even they would feel the anticipation in the air. Anticipation of what? Go into more detail there about that, or at least describe what that would feel like. But no one was around, it was deserted in the large gardens of Amber cottage, its residences moved on not so long ago.

After many hours of prickling silence a small sound rustled through the air, and was heard by an owl sitting in one of the high trees. It looked down at the large stone with a beady eye and waited. The sound came again, a soft scratching that was barely a sound at all, though the owls sharp hearing could pick it up in the eerie silence. The scratching slowly began to grow loader as the minutes ticked by, coming from under the giant stone that was placed in the middle of the lawns of the old garden. Something then stirred, and the owl ruffled its feathers slightly and leaned forwards on its perch, its eyes fixed on the stone.

Then the owl narrowed its eyes. No, its not possible, he thought, how could she be alive? He lent forward even closer and suddenly jumped in shock as a blood curdling scream pierced the night, coming from beneath the stone. Suddenly the grass around it trembled and the earth was suddenly You use suddenly twice in one sentence. Use something else like "abruptly" torn away, it collapsed inwards so all was left was a very small hole, pitch black and at the edge of the stone. Then, slowly, a white finger crawled out of the hole, only for a second, before disappearing back again into darkness. The owl was quivering with fear and excitement as he watched in wonder. The finger appeared again, and it slithered out the hole and tugged at more of the earth, making the hole wider. Soon an entire hand appeared, then a wrist, then a long and bony arm. The hole widened and soon it was large enough for two thin arms to appear, the face of the woman still in darkness. All right, this is oddly worded with the one finger thing. I get the image of a lone finger doing all this work so try to make this more clear...unless that is what you are aiming for.

The owl couldn't wait a moment longer and leapt off its branch and swirled towards the earth, landing softly on the grass. It watching as the woman hungrily scratched away at the moist earth. Soon she had made the hole big enough, and with a great gasping breath she pulled herself into the moonlight, gripping the grass with her long pale fingers to pull herself out of the darkness.

The young woman lay on the grass for a moment, shaking uncontrollably. The owl stepped closer and gazed at her painfully thin frame, the whiteness of her skin and her long black hair, lank and covered in dirt. Her sharp fingernails leapt up, and she scratched her white cheek, digging into the flesh. But no blood was drawn.

"It is done," the owl said, and the woman sighed again, her head rolling with exhaustion.

"Sleep, my child," the owl said in its whispering voice, and she shivered and closed her blood red eyes, falling completely still again. Her mouth fell slightly open, and revealed a row of razor sharp teeth, newly grown and pearly white. The owl nodded gravely and launched into the air, glancing at the sleeping woman with his yellow eyes before disappearing into the night.

Woah, that's intense! I feel like I'm watching a horror moving. Your descriptions were amazing!

I really found nothing of real importance to worry about except that I hope you write more of this. If you do, PM me

Incredible! everyone else already pointed out some of my grammar critiques, and now for idea. I thought it was stupendous! it's not like any other vampire story (I'm assuming she is a vampire), and I loved how it was shown threw the owl's eyes! very creative, I can't wait to read more!

Alrighty, i hate gramar checks, leaves a biter taste on my tongue, so i'm just going to skip that. My favorite thing to do is ideas, so i'm going to take a whack at it!

The night was cold and bright with stars, the moon gazing down at the earth, its eerie glistening light pouring over the surrounding countryside. All was still, no wind rustled through the trees, no whisper swept past the branches. Everything was frozen like a black and silver picture. It was also silent, deathly silent, and if any human was nearby even they would feel the anticipation in the air.

I love this, and how you used gazing was creative. However, i know how irritating it can be when trying to describe somthing, and this paragraph needs a little more describing. If i was to write it, i would say this:

The sky hung over the forest like a tight blanket that was dotted with sullen stars, the only light coming from the huge, bloated moon gazing down at a small cottage ensconced in a small clearing. The cottage was humble and ramshackle from disuse, the forest reclaiming the lost space. Weeds encroached in the clearing like a huge disorganized army, and the once orderly stones where now falling out of the weathered walls.

The scene, despite its seeming calm, was unnaturally still. The trees withheld any noise like petrified fools, the wind held it’s breath as if it was anticipating some event. The tense atmosphere was stifling, making every creature poise itself for something.

try and whip yourself to aknowledge every mundane aspect of a forest, and i would suggest taking a walk to observe your surroundings.

After many hours of prickling silence a small sound rustled through the air, and was heard by an owl sitting in one of the high trees. It looked down at the large stone with a beady eye and waited.

Try describing the owl.

Perhaps what you need is some inspiration. Maybe it's just me, but music usually help give me ideas. I made a playlist just for this reason for one of my fantasy stories, and you can listen to some of them.

http://view.playlist.com/8814698763

http://view.playlist.com/9289072395 -- I would suggest this one because it has outlandish, creative songs that get your imagination.

I think that's all i have to offer at the momment, and i might just keep posted!!

OMG!!! that music you put up was amazing! love them
thanks for your nice review - wow your so descrptive! i loved you describing the house and sky, thankyou again

I have to say I liked this story, and this kind of story really isn't my cup of tea. However, I did like it.

However ... The first paragraph is too "poem-esque." Make it sound less lyrical.

I suggest trying simpler sentence structures. Because, in a lot of sentences I got distracted by commas, etc. Again, this goes back to it being too lyrical.

Your descriptions were kind of nice. I enjoyed the description of the owl. The woman's description could use some tweaking. It was a little too "zombie/vampire" cliche. Though, the entire digging out of the earth narrative worked nicely.

A solid start. Edit!

Adrian

Hey. Long time no see. First nice part of a story ... now the review My comments will be normal and my adds and rewrites in bold.

All was still, no wind rustled through the trees, no whisper swept past the branches. Everything was frozen like a black and silver picture. It was also silent, deathly silent, and if any human was nearby even they would feel the anticipation in the air.

- Ok you say "no wind rustled through the trees, no whisper swept past the branches" and "It was also silent, deathly silent," - You say the same thing only in other way.
- All was still, no wind rustled through the trees, no whisper swept past the branches. Everything was frozen like a black and silver picture of a dream. In the deathly silence even the humans would feel the anticipation in the air.

I don't know what to say more ... The actually writing is good, needs a little more description (night, owl, moon maybe?)
Luck!

-Akayl

Hello! The comments that I make here are simply to push you further as a writer, not to offend you.

The night was cold and bright with stars, the moon gazing down at the earth, its eerie glistening light pouring over the surrounding countryside.

This isn't really effective as an opening sentence. It's just too blatantly simple. I mean I think just about anyone knows that the moon glistens and gazes down to Earth. As a writer, you should be aiming to create a new image or a new way to view the moon and stars.

All was still, no wind rustled through the trees, no whisper swept past the branches.

It's common for writers to follow the eerie night sky descriptions with that of wind as an attempt to create a suspensful environment. This could probably be due to the wind being quite an obvious thing about a silent night.

Overall impressions:

What you have here is technically correct, but that's because the actual complexity of the writing is at a low level. It is something that I would expect from a primary student. You follow horror conventions too closely (moon, absence of wind, owl and deranged women), making your piece feel a rehash of an idea that is commonly known in society. It is bland to read as a result, because as a writer, you are to bring new ideas and perspective to tired conventions. This piece doesn't do that and hence that's why I didn't like it.

Another problem is your piece isn't coherent. I was reading this and asking myself "Why is the owl waiting? Why is the owl talking? Heck, what is this deranged woman doing there in the first place?" Yes, this is fantasy, but fantasy deals with making the inpausible convincing for the reader. This isn't convincing because what happens in the piece lacks reasoning and logic. Also, please don't give me the excuse that it will be revealed in a later chapter. It's just a simple way to make your audience read more into the narrative to get this plot point. You must understand that readers read more than just to find out what happens. They read for what the author has to say on certain themes/ideas and how it is presented. That ultimately is what seperates a good book from the rest.

I hope you will consider what I've said and try to express yourself in your writing instead of using standard conventions.

Andy.