Clandestine Grave [Edited.]

Clandestine Grave

Cradled aloft in an alcove of archives,
grey fingers clutch black through the sand-storm of dust.
Deceptive particles glimmer, distantly floating
in a slant of moonlight;
pixies hovering over box after box.

Forgotten secrets tucked out of sight:
there hides the veil shredded by moths
and lurking in this box with its lid open and its lids open
is a cat gnawed to bone by deserter's hooks.

Sweet perpetrator didn't run far,
sealed within by her own guilty heart.
Look: there's the latch and the lock but no luck;
lost is the key amidst these pixie's wings.

So here lays the brittle skeleton that smells of decay,
her putrid stench pressing through rotten eye sockets
where spiders and wasps live in tentative harmony.
Hear the thrum of wasp wings and the spiders will gossip
as they spin silver webs
to catch the light and the dust (and occasional wasp)
as their host watches on;
silently.

_____________________

Okay, there we go. I've added in a few more lines to smooth it out and I think I'm quite pleased with the result =)

I'm not against short poems, but this one seems a little jumpy, like a few pieces are missing. Post some more of it, since you have it. I love these lines in particular:
"There's the thrum of wasp wings and the spiders will gossip

as they spin silver webs

to catch the light and the dust"

The ending seemed a little sudden, and you need to work on the punctuation. Keep writing!

Hey Heather, how is life treating you?

I love this! It's making me wish it was Halloween already. Spectacularly spooky. I like the way you don't oversimplify your work, some people really do take readers for idiots. This is refreshing in the sense that I had to re-read it a few times to really understand where you were coming from.

The atmosphere is definitely the winning point in this. Especially in these descriptions:

grey fingers clutch black through the sand-storm of dust.

'Sand-storm' seems to suggest that the mostly 'dead' image of dust is in fact moving, and fast at that. It's a bit of an oxymoron I think. If it's just my interpretation please correct me.

in a slant of moonlight;

pixies hovering over box after box.

In this you took showing to a new level. At once, with the beautiful yet simple image of the 'slant of moonlight' I took the time to be midnight, and the concept of the pixies is creative and magical. It's almost like a child's fairy tale with a twist. Fantastic. Do I take the 'box after box' to be graves? I'm not sure- this baffled me somewhat. But the element of mystery is great too. Though to be honest, it's probably very clear, just me being slow!

her putrid stench pressing through rotten eye sockets

This is gruesome and awesome. At once I thought of the type of menace that's in Dicken's novels. I loved it- even the 'putrid stench pressing' alliteration. A lot of thought has gone into this and its very intelligent and creative as a result. Writing at its best.

spiders will gossip

This is interesting. The concept of spiders talking, never mind gossiping is unusual. Nevertheless, I liked it. Sorry if I'm totally useless at nit-picking this!

as their host watches on;

silently.

I loved the ending. Really brought the piece to a mysterious ending. You don't like it? I think the title is fine as it is, sorry I don't have any suggestions, I'm rubbish at titles even for myself!

Love,

Eimear xx

I don't think it was too short atall, I think it was just right, and I love the imagery it creates.

I do however feel that there is something missing but I can't quite put my finger on it and I'm not one to correct or suggest with poetry as I am offically terrible at it!

Like Eimar, I loved the ending aswell, it ended perfectly creating mystery, it worked really well, well done!

Meevs

Vox: thank you. I can see what you mean about it being a little jumpy but trust me, the lines I removed are staying gone. However, I'll see if I can add another few just to smooth it out a little.

Eimear: Life's treating me pretty good lately, how about you? It seems an age since we've talked! And thank you so much for the review, all comments are helpful and yours are very encouraging =)

Miya: Thank you! I think I've solved the problem of what it's missing =)

Wow, this wasn't really what I was expecting at all! I've gotten used to (and even begun to like) the sob-story type poems so many post, and that's what I expected.

And who doesn't like surprises?

How convenient...a "surprised" emoticon!

Okay. On to the critique!

It was exceedingly creepy, great job on that! So many nasty adjectives.
Other than that, I'm not really sure what to make of it(possibly because it's past 12AM).

I'm reminded of a hypothetical experiment involving cats and cyanide...but I doubt that's what the poem's about. Anyways, interpretation is always fun, so thank you for the opportunity to do so.

Good poem. *thumb's up(even though it really should be down)*