like any other mother would

two
whole
years

you didn't ring me every night to see if I was alright
like any other mother would

you didn't come around to see me every day
to check if I was still alive
like any other mother would

you didn't invite me to your precious wedding
with whom your husband I despise
like any other mother would

you weren't there at all while I was cutting, sobbing
like any other mother would

you didn't ask if I was dying inside
didn't question the tears in my eyes
like any other mother would

you didn't help me sort out my life
get me back on track
like any other mother would

you didn't make everything alright
you didn't think to call
to text
to contact me at all
you didn't sing me to sleep
like dad did
at least he got me through it
at least he kept me alive

like any other mother would

xGraceex wrote:two
whole
years

good, i like how you split it into each line to make emphasis. it sounds like she's saying each word heavily

you didn't ring me every night to see if I was alright
like any other mother would

you didn't come around to see me every day
to check if I was still alive
like any other mother would

this doesn't sound like a poem, this sounds like a bland letter. what's so poetic about it? there's no metaphor, fluidity, imagery...nothing.

you didn't invite me to your precious wedding
with whom your husband I despise
like any other mother would

see above

you weren't there at all while I was cutting, sobbing
like any other mother would

cutting is old, sorry. if you want to convey emotion dont do cutting. do something that will actually crack open the hearts of the readers. cutting doesnt have any effect because its cliched.

you didn't ask if I was dying inside
didn't question the tears in my eyes
like any other mother would

you didn't help me sort out my life
get me back on track
like any other mother would

you didn't make everything alright
you didn't think to call
to text
to contact me at all
you didn't sing me to sleep
like dad did
at least he got me through it
at least he kept me alive

like any other mother would

truthfully, i feel insulted b/cause you clearly think the reader is stupid. there is no depth to this poem. there is no style, no flow of writing (it sounds like a disjointed letter) and really nothing to make me picture the scenes in my head. while i was reading this, i literally had a blank screen in my mind. blank.

also, its okay to have repetition, but doing it in every single stanza for that many stanzas makes me, as a reader, feel a little queasy.

anyway, work on this. hope i helped.

Not really. your advise wasnt that helpful, you didnt tell me how i could improve just the things you found wrong with it. i thought this site was for youngsters only, not 58 year old men. your intitled to your opinion buti was surprised to see someone not a kid review my work. this poem is real, i didnt make it up, it was my life not so long ago. you may find it boring but if you had to live through it you would still feel upset about it.

Hey,
I really thought your poem was beautiful. Truly. It was clever, I thought. I had a lump in my throat after reading it and I'm sorry that it was true. I thought I could really relate to this poem. I felt what you meant, if you know what I mean. I liked the emphasis on the first three words too, real effective.
C.C

Haha, I'm not actually 58...I don't want to give my real age (i'm a teen, by the way) but i don't know how to bypass the age thing...so i made up an age.

yes, i'm entitled to my opinion which is why you posted this...you wanted other people's opinion, right?? so dont downplay the fact that its my opinion.

yes i did help. i said that the poem should be more lyrical and you need to use a greater depth of metaphor/symbolism in it if you want to impress the reader. i also said that the repetition is overused and you need to change it. is that not help or are you just mad that someone doesnt think your poem is perfect?

also: i accept that this may have really happened in your life, but isnt poetry about trying to convey meaning and themes to other people? be diplomatic; cutting doesnt work, so even if that happened to you, put it in poetic form or mention it in its essence, not concrete.

I enjoyed it. The lack of capitalization, I will not critique. Keeping it lower-cased throughout made it unfold through the eyes of a child - at least that's the impression I got. Hmm. I guess it's debatable whether or not to keep the I's lower-cased as well to keep continuity.

The repetition of "like any other mother would" would be a tad better if it were not in every single stanza. Every other, maybe.

"Cutting" may be 'cliched,' but it didn't come across as that when I read it. I had/have my own self-mutilation troubles, so I understood the impact of that more than others probably would.

Overall, I thought it was a good way for the "narrator" to express her feelings. Great job.

i think this is realy good and the only thing you need to work on is making the parts flow together a bit more and making the lines a bit less confusing and keeping the rhythm straight.

a very interesting poem. i really like the emotion that u displayed through ur use of words. u did an awesome job writing on such a 'subject". ur words flowed failry nicely and both ur begining and ending were VERY strong and powerful, they held together quit well. great peice of work!!!

Hey, great poem. I also felt a lump on my throat after reading it. Although, that might be because of my sore throat. You were like this? Awww, that's so sad, it's clear to me now, how you expressed your feelings in a poem. It depicted the sadness and loneliness.

two
whole
years (It would be better to capitalize each word to emphasise it)

you didn't ring me every night to see if I was alright
like any other mother would

you didn't come around to see me every day
to check if I was still alive
like any other mother would

you didn't invite me to your precious wedding
with whom your husband I despise
like any other mother would

you weren't there at all while I was cutting, sobbing (I think you better chsnge the word 'cutting' It's gives the meaning hurtful, I think. So, better find a word other than that)
like any other mother would

you didn't ask if I was dying inside
didn't question the tears in my eyes
like any other mother would

you didn't help me sort out my life
get me back on track (Put 'to' infront)
like any other mother would

you didn't make everything alright
you didn't think to call
to text (Connect this to the above part and make it 'You didn't think to call or text')
to contact me at all
you didn't sing me to sleep
like dad did
at least he got me through it (Through what?)
at least he kept me alive

like any other mother would (This doesn't connect with the above stanza, I mean you were talking about your father and suddenly, switches onto the mother again. So, change that.)

I ignored the punctuation marks and capitalizations. But be sure to put them. And another thing, it's really hard to rhyme a poem when you'er giving out your feelings. Only the most professional poets can do that. So, don't despire. Your poem was great.

Good luck.

I liked this and if it's true then I can't imagine how hard it was for you.

Just one thing:

you didn't invite me to your precious wedding
with whom your husband I despise
like any other mother would

The second line doesn't really make much sense (to me, anyway). I'd probably reword it because I had to read it over to understand it.

Good poem though, I really felt the emotion.