LeMar Chapter 1

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Chapter One

The dry pages rustled as the class turned to another page in history.

More than one pair of eyes was staring out the window to the clear blue sky. The last class of the day was far from over. A whispered collective sigh echoed throughout the classroom. With its black chalkboard and white walls, there was very little to distract the students from the nice day and the daydreams that drifted through their minds. Outside, a single butterfly fluttered by the window.

A shot. A gunshot echoed through the building.

Five seconds later, the lockdown alarm blared throughout the school. The teacher closed the door, locked it and turned off the lights. Some students ran to the windows and pulled down the blinds. The rest scrambled to the corner of the room that was on the same wall as the door. Within another five seconds, the room was completely silent, but the air was full of invisible tension that ran like electricity among the students.

A bang erupted as something slammed into the locked door of the classroom. The noise startled each person, and a girl let out a miniscule squeak. There was a pause, silence flooding in again.

Without warning, there came a second bang, and the door toppled to the floor like a felled tree. In stormed a lone figure, the face obscured by the dark room. Whoever it was held some sort of weapon, a strange, curving, bulky object that despite these features resembled a gun. No one else came into the room.

The figure observed the frightened huddle in the corner. Then the person raised the gun-like object.

The teacher moved in front of the students, hands trembling. “Don’t you dare hurt any of these students.”

The gun tilted to the teacher’s left side, pointing to one student. It was a boy who was kneeling, looking intently into the face of death.

“I only need the one.” said the figure, using an oddly calm female voice.

The shot was straight and true, the bullet embedding itself in the boy’s chest. He fell forward with a sigh. The strange woman caught him and picked him up, cradling him in her arms.

“What are you going to do with Milan?” the teacher challenged feebly.

“His name’s not Milan.” the woman answered.
At this, the boy opened his eyes. He looked up at the person who held him. He smiled. “It’s about time you got here.”

Then the two of them suddenly vanished.


The next time the boy opened his eyes, he was looking up at the lush branches of tall trees. He felt spongy moss that was slightly damp pressing against his back. He sighed, closing his eyes and breathing in the cool air.

A sharp pain erupted in his lungs, causing his eyes to snap open. He coughed, tasting blood on his tongue. The boy looked down and saw the red liquid still flowing from his chest wound.

“That’s just like her.” he muttered, groaning.

“Just like who now?” asked a voice.

The boy looked to the sound’s direction and found Kris, his best friend, walking toward him. He had blonde hair, pale skin, and was wearing glasses. When Kris reached the boy, he seemed to tower high above him.

Kris sat beside his friend. “I don’t think she’s completely comfortable around you yet, Mirran.” he said, a bit gravely.

Mirran let his head fall back onto the moss, feeling less pained by his wound but more pained by something else. He was starting to feel cold and light-headed.

“I think we’d better get you into the pond.” Kris grabbed Mirran’s arm and gently slung it over his shoulder. Carefully, he helped Mirran to his feet and walked him to the edge of the pond before them.

Mirran stepped down fully-clothed into the water, letting himself float even though he knew his feet could touch the bottom. Large lily pads floated around him, their buds having yet to bloom. It was early spring in the land, almost a year since Mirran had been there last.

“I’ll get you a towel.” Kris left him, giving some privacy.

The cool water washed into the wound as Mirran drifted to the middle of the pond. He ducked under the water for a moment. The long roots of the lily pads anchored each pad to the round stones that lay on the bottom of the lake. The lakebed itself was also made of stone.

Then he broke through the surface before breathing deeply in and out. Then Mirran recited, “O LeMar, land of my ancestors, grant unto me the power of your earth and return this body to the form in which it is meant to be.”

The light glowed around Mirran, as it always did when he was healed. He closed his eyes and thought of clouds in the sky, trying to ignore the strange stretching feeling in his chest as the wound healed. The sky was bright, like in late spring, and the clouds drifted lazily along. Mirran breathed in and out slowly as the piece of LeMar inside him, the “bullet,” dissolved in the glowing water.

The sky behind Mirran’s clouds turned blood red. He cried out and opened his eyes, feeling as though he had been struck by lightning. A man was by the pool, his hand in the water. Something there glowed an evil red, and the man smiled devilishly at Mirran. The boy stared back at the man, shocked, angry, and in more pain than ever.

No one else was ever to touch the water during a healing. Absolutely no one. The water would become…contaminated.

“Hurry! The Prince is inside!” shouted a voice. The crowd of footsteps could be heard thundering closer to the pond.

“Until next time, my prince.” The stranger’s smile widened. Mirran blinked, and the man was gone.

The pain in his chest was almost overwhelming him. Mirran gritted his teeth, not wanting to cry out again. He slowly made his way to the edge of the pond and heaved his torso onto the mossy ground. What energy was left in his arms disappeared then, and Mirran breathed heavily, his face and eyes turned toward the entrance of the clearing.

“Help…” he called out weakly, not only for himself, but for the pond too. It was one of the main healing sites and one of the few left. Once contaminated, it could take years to restore the pond, and sometimes it was permanently poisoned.

Footsteps and fuzzy images blurred in his head and vision. Mirran heard someone call his name. The boy’s sky turned midnight black, empty of stars.

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I'll probably add more. I know it's a bit lacking. :oops:
Note: This is intended to be a novel sort of thing. :)




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This suprised me, I thought at the beginning it was going t obe from the point of view from someone at the Columbine High School shootings or something. Either way it is basically the same topic at the beginning and I don't really think you captured the fear of a situation like that. Wouldn't they have tried to barracade the door with tables and chairs? Or hid under tables in more of an attempt to hide from the person who is shooting in the school?

Also I got that Mirran was the prince? Why would they have had to do a school shooting do get him back? Surely they could have thought of a more humane way to get their Prince back, and I dunno if someone really would want to shoot a prince. Also, almost every sentence had the characters name in, it got very repetative and seemed a little too simple.

You had a lot happen within the opening, he suddenly goes from a school shooting to a healing pond which is then contaminated. I think you should let it pace out a little more, it seemed rushed, tell us more about the characters, I know nothing about Mirran, no explanation as to why he was in that school in the first place, it was all a little odd.

There were good points though, I like the idea of the healing pond, and the description you used when he called forth the spirit (was it a spirit??) to heal him.

I would consider going over this opening, I hope I didnt sound too mean!

Good luck,

Meevs

*flys away*




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Aloha. I'm Rubric and I'll be your reviewer today. i would first warn you that I am rather cold in my reviewing, but hope that you will take some useful hints from my critique.

page in history

page *of* history

whispered collective sigh echoed

bad turn of phrase. whispers seldom echo and they certainly don't do so in classrooms (no vaulted ceilings for a start :P. I would lose the *collective*, as it sounds a tad cheap.

A shot. A gunshot echoed through the building.

The simplicity of the first sentence is designed for shock, which is then defined by the second sentence in a more understandable kind of way. I get that. However, if you differentiate *shot* and *gunshot* into less...similar words it would certainly flow far better. Go for something even more basic than *shot*, describing what the shot actually sounds like, then define it as a gunshot.

Some students ran to the windows and pulled down the blind

this is where is gets a bit unrealistic for me. There would be some level of panic, at the very least it would be subdued by the teacher, but even so the kids would react with more than a
a girl let out a miniscule squeak
to someone busting in with a weapon.

No one else came into the room.

*They were alone.* would suffice.

The teacher moved in front of the students, hands trembling

this is the only shard of character development we get from anyone in this scene. Even if the characters dont show up again, you need a lot more just to help the scene flow well. Have you considered putting the entire scene from the point of view of the teacher?

using an oddly calm female voice

replace *using* with *with*

He fell forward with a sigh

He was just shot in the chest at close range. Unless this gun-like object is a harpoon (albeit a magic harpoon that pulls him into a magic world) he's going to fall backwards.

Milan

This kid is named after an italian city. why?

suddenly vanished

it goes without saying that the vanishing was sudden. please let it go without saying.

and breathing in the cool air

*breathed*

grant unto me

old english does not lend style or elegance, or *omg it's old*. What it lends is cringe.

become…contaminated.

lose the ellipses, he doesn't hesitate when he thinks this, even if you do when writing it.

“Hurry! The Prince is inside!”

fair enough. But why doesn't anyone try to stop this other bloke? He's attacking the prince for no reason....and yes they want to save their prince, but generally the assassin t least gets noticed.

“Until next time, my prince.” The stranger’s smile widened. Mirran blinked, and the man was gone.


Cheap narrative technique. The odds of the prince happening to blink just as this guys dissappears is...kind of gimmicky. I would suggest a blinding flash, it has style.

The pain in his chest was almost overwhelming him

lose the *him*, it goes without saying

his torso

this makes it sound like his torso is disembodied from the rest of him....

Once contaminated, it could take years to restore the pond, and sometimes it was permanently poisoned.

Clearly an important line (also characterises your protagonist a bit). however I would replace everything that comes after the second comma with *if it could be restored at all.*

Footsteps and fuzzy images blurred in his head and vision.

hmm, I would think, since footsteps would be perceived by the ears, that you might want to replace "head" with *ears*? This isn't certain though, jsut a matter of personal preference.

Alrighty then.
This is a good start, it actually comes from an angle I'd been hoping to see on this site for a while. Am I right in thinking the first shot brings Kris to LeMar? Because there is certainly an element of "are they shooting up a school to get their prince?"

This lends itself to my next point. Did I miss a prologue? If not, I would hope for an infodump or exposition in the next few pages as the reader is feeling very much uninformed (uninformed readers are either curious or grouchy, this kind of uninformed is grouchy).

A little more characterisation would be nice as you only have two(?) named characters so far, with a few secondary, faceless charcters muddling around doing the grunt-plot work.

Also I have to say that the villain turning up is very...cliche in a "black cape and maniacal laugh" kind of way. He ineffectually attacks the prince, when I assume he could try to do a bit more damage, if his heart was in it. To me it seems like this is an "oh look I can introduce the *evil villain* character.

Maybe I'm wrong.

But anyway, this critique comes over very harsh because I offer attention to only the worst bits, and ignore a rather original take on the *journey to magic land* approach. Good luck on fleshing out what I do think is a very promising piece.


Oh and I tend to get a little vague at points. If there was anything in my review that was too ambiguous, please pm me and I'd be happy to clarify (or argue for my point of view if you disagree with me :P).

Tschuss,
Rubric
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


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It was good, i so wanted to read more but it seemed to be over so fast! i thought aswell that it was a high school shooting thing, but i was really surprised by what happened next. It needed some editing though, i dont think it was full enough. Everyone seemed to be emotionless, the teacher when one of her students was shot didnt seem to have noticed, and i would have thought that the rest of the class might have done something but they didnt. But i like the twist of the healing pond, i so want to find out what happens next! keep me posted :D
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I suppose I'll go back and write a version 2 of chapter 1 before I do anything else.

Thanks so much for the tough critiques! I never get them when I let my friends read my stuff. :)



I would rather die of passion than of boredom.
— Émile Zola