fall

I fall
I feel my hair whipping my face
The air rushes past my ears like a roar
I squeeze my eyes shut

The water hits me like a wall
I gasp
Then I fall through the barrier of water

My body jolts with the temperature of the water
I shudder, then slide
I open my eyes
Green
Blue
Black
Salt in my eyes, so I close them again

Through my eyelids I see rays of light
It shimmers in the freezing sea around me
I drop through the pressing water
I plummet through the currents
I fall through unbreathable air

My arms spread out either side of me
I want to fly
I want to die
I want... nothing

My mouth flies open
I swallow the salty water
It was a mistake, I shouldn't have jumped
I'm not ready
The sea shouldn't be my last resting place

Adrenaline pumps through me
I try to scramble through the water around me
Towards the light
But the stones in my pockets weigh me down
They are doing their job
They are killing me

My face crumbles
I realise that it was really happening
I was going to die
I knew I couldn't live...
But i couldn't die either
And yet it was happening...

I swirled through the water like a rag doll
Powerless
And for the first time in my life
I felt brave

I smiled as i fell further into darkness
And hugged my chest as my heart beat no more


Its actually my first poem so be nice!

Although you said don't comment on spelling or grammar, I think it's important that I point out that there is no punctuation in this poem. Just make sure to include it in your next poem.

The poem itself was pretty good. I liked your descriptions. They helped me envision the scene and imagine the sensations. It was interesting, but I would also have been interested in reading about why the narrator decided to throw (assuming) herself into the ocean (or sea?) and commit suicide.

This poem might also fit well in the Narrative Poetry section.

xGraceex wrote:
My body jolts with the temperature of the water
I shudder, then slide
I open my eyes
Green
Blue
Black
Salt in my eyes, so I close them again

I love this stanza. The rapid and short colour lines that precede "Salt in my eyes" made it read/sound good and kept the pace nicely (with also the repetition of "eyes").

I think it was a bit hazy though, the whole concept of it.

I would have liked a more internal description rather than an observatory description of the situation, and then you could have made an extended metaphor and weaved these two perspectives within each other (inner emotional turmoil and turmoil in the scenery and landscape externally).

The last section where it referenced "brave" was good, but I think you should have built that up at the start and linked that back to a circular ending to make it more impressionable (such as initial bravery at the start of the fall, then fear - or similiar emotions - and then bravery once more).

It could have been expressed better, but I thought it was very done and the images stuck in my mind. Thank you.

Although you said not to mention punctuation, I think it is fine to not have any punctuation. It could be your style :3

There was one little error I found.

Through my eyelids I see rays of light
It shimmers in the freezing sea around me

Since rays is plural, the it should be "they." Plural to plural, singular to singular.

I really loved reading this. You put great line breaks, and I liked the part where you said "I want to fly I want to die I want...nothing"

Nice work for a first poem! It was a pleasure to read.

- Summerless

Hey,
I really liked this poem. It was very descriptive. I nearly drowned once so you described it pretty well!.
It was really beautiful. You asked not to comment on grammar so I won't!.
The poem was sad yet not too depressing. I'm really bad at critiquing and explaining so I hope you know what I mean!. Well done. Keep writing.
C.C

I believe it was really beautiful it definitely got to me. I like telling stories through poetry as well, for your first time i think you did superb. Though if i may say i love big words that have a lot of meaning to them, maybe next time use better words. Although this poem is gorgeous with small words, ugh i am so bad at reviewing : P But i do hope you know what I'm getting at I look forward to see more pieces from you.
I'm glad i took my time to read this,
--mackenzie

This was very good for a first poem! I've written at least fifteen, and my last one didn't come close to this!

I think your way of separating the stanzas and lines was very smooth and contributed to the feeling of the poem. This is sometimes hard to do, especially in a free verse poem (which yours obviously is).
I've never drowned before, but I felt like this was a very realistic and accurate way to describe it. You threw the reader into the narrator's situation, making us emotionally attatched to your character in a very short amount of time.

I'm not sure that I agree with Stolen Hearts about the words. Sometimes, yes, you can add a few stronger words here and there, but you have to be cautious about being too wordy. Sometimes, more advanced words can confuse the reader and take away from the message of the poem.

I don't really have any helpful, critiques, so I'm sorry.

Great writing!!!

-Sea-

I loved this poem. Your descriptions formed a razor sharp image in my mind. I mean, you had clearly described the feelings, sensations, and even had illustrated the feelings felt by her five sensory organs. I can't belive you said this is your first poem. I mean, you have the art of poetry in you.

Well, although you said don't comment anything about the grammer or spellings, it's necessary to point out that you haven't put any punctuation marks in the poem. And you haven't capitalized some letters. The rhyme or the meaning in the poem is not the only thing that should be in poem. A good poem can ruin if you have forgotten the punctuations or spellings. So, keep in mind what I said.

I swirled through the water like a rag doll
Powerless
And for the first time in my life
I felt brave

I smiled as i fell further into darkness
And hugged my chest as my heart beat no more

This stanze was far better than others. The feelings in it was immensely realistic. I mean, first you get scared, then struggle, and lastly, feel that death is better. Wow.

I think I know when you wrote this. It was in the dark times of your life wasn't it. When you were so depressed.

Well, good luck.

First, let me tell you, try to stay away from subjects such as death, suicide, and overwhelming emotion. Why? Because, as a writer, you become too muddled with your own feelings that the poem becomes, sometimes, muddled. If you do write about said subject matter do it when you feel less like it.

Now to the poem, it was predictable.

Alright start. Try taking my advice. I'd say edit the poem more, later.

hi! i'm new here, but i've been writing poetry for awhile, and you are awesome! i felt everything you described and i felt as if it was happening to me. i literally thought that i was in the water and that i was fighting for my life only to realize that i didn't need to fight anymore. this is an awesome piece of literature. keep writing!

wow, intense and it was great. it was very impressive. i loved it. keep up the good work!!!!!

that was..interesting...it was a good poem but it was confusing....strange....i didnt understand it until you started talking about dying....try defining the begining a little more to make it a little more understandable. also (and i have a problem with this too) in order for people to read your poem the way you write it you have to add punctuation