fall away.

I got one thing to say to ya'll. If you can't handle my faith, don't review. Cry about it somewhere else but not in my topic.
thanks&hugs.
-jade.



Fall away sweet child
Fall away from this world
With its hatred
With its violence
With its uncertain future
Fall away from the disasters
Fall away from the jealousy
Fall away from the greed and the spite and the horror
This imperfect world
You do not deserve
You deserve to float
In the clouds
And fall in the rain
You deserve to walk hand in hand
With Jesus
Fall away from your pain
Sweet child of God’s
This may seem like the end
But tomorrow you will live
With flying colors

wow, this poem is really good. it's so sad, but at the same time it is so encouraging and hopefull my favorite part is the last four lines:

"Sweet child of God's
This may seem like the end
But tomorrow you will live
With flying colors"

That just sticks out to me, becuase it is such a blessed truth, and it's a statement that's simply bursting with hope, which is perfect after a poem full of the awful things we'll leave behind.

I hope you meant everything the way I'm getting it, otherwise this post won't make much sense. But thanks for this poem, it was really encouraging to read. Good work.

Fall away sweet child
Fall away from this world
With its hatred
With its violence
With its uncertain future
Fall away from the disasters
Fall away from the jealousy
Fall away from the greed and the spite and the horror
This imperfect world
You do not deserve
You deserve to float
In the clouds
And fall in the rain
You deserve to walk hand in hand
With Jesus
Fall away from your pain
Sweet child of God’s
This may seem like the end
But tomorrow you will live
With flying colors

that is great,dark and morbid perhaps but though provoking none the less, thanks

that was so beautiful, like a hym, i loved it. It was so sweet, i could imagen god taking the childs hand and they being together

I feel so sad after reading this. It was so sad.

Fall away sweet child
Fall away from this world
With its hatred
With its violence
With its uncertain future
Fall away from the disasters
Fall away from the jealousy
Fall away from the greed and the spite and the horror
This imperfect world
You do not deserve
You deserve to float
In the clouds
And fall in the rain
You deserve to walk hand in hand
With Jesus
Fall away from your pain
Sweet child of God’s
This may seem like the end
But tomorrow you will live
With flying colors

Firstly, your repetition of 'Fall away' was a bit dry. It would be better to have 'Fall away' on the first two lines but after that cut the 'Fall away'

This imperfect world
You do not deserve
You deserve to float
In the clouds
And fall in the rain
You deserve to walk hand in hand
With Jesus
Fall away from your pain
Sweet child of God’s
This may seem like the end
But tomorrow you will live
With flying colors

This could be broken from the poem and made as the second verse.

I don't see any mistakes, so it was good.

Good luck.

I thought this poem was really meaningful and deep.
I think a bit of punctuation could add to it, though I am unable to say where, so maybe it wouldn't. hehe.
I know this is short, I just wasnted to let you know I really enjoyed reading it.

Good Luck!

I really enjoyed this poem. I also like how firm you are with your faith.

As Chirantha has already mentioned, I would cut out some of the "Fall Away"s. Maybe you could just say something like,
"With its uncertain future,
the disasters,
the jealousy
the greed, and the spite...." I don't know. I'm not very good at poetry.

I'm not sure I like the polysyndeton. It sort of sticks out. Although, it does emphasize that part so...

You deserve to walk hand in hand

I'm not absolutely certain, but I think it should be "hand-in-hand"

Other than that, I didn't find any mistakes or anything, other than you didn't capitalize your name.

Great Poem!

-Sea-

silverSUNLIGHTx wrote:Fall away from this world
With its hatred
With its violence
With its uncertain future
Fall away from the disasters
Fall away from the jealousy
Fall away from the greed and the spite and the horror

Wow, for so long I didn't see or hear anybody with such faith... These lines are my wish for the closest people to me... I've always thought how can I wish this to them without saying it directly, but in the end it appears that the best ways is the direct wish.
Liked it!


Aust.

This poem was so sweet! It reflects how strong you are in your faith perfectly! I loved the part that goes:

You deserve to float

In the clouds

And fall in the rain

You deserve to walk hand in hand

With Jesus

Fall away from your pain

Sweet child of God’s

This may seem like the end

But tomorrow you will live

With flying colors

It is so meaningful and deep and I could imagine everything.

This is a really sad and beautiful poem. I enjoyed reading this. It really touched the heart. Just add some punctuation, that will help your poem flow better.

Overall, great work. Keep it up!